The reflection of a girl
appears only fleetingly
between streaks of green
on the wall by the track.
The light changes.
The pane flashes black
and I see her, there,
on the dark tunnel wall.
Not as beautiful
as the scene that revealed her;
hair a bit straight and
no life 'round her eyes.
(She looked better outside
in the grass by the track.)
She flickers and fades
as the light changes back.
It's safe again to
gaze out and dream
of a girl whose appearance,
in any light,
would dazzle.
in a train (tweaked)
I liked this , Sam…..
Fraid I cant help you much with structure or anything techie…as I am a complete novice myself (trying to learn as I go along)…
Sure some of the other guys will help you out
…..i will read a few more times, if I spot something I will return 
Fraid I cant help you much with structure or anything techie…as I am a complete novice myself (trying to learn as I go along)…
Sure some of the other guys will help you out
…..i will read a few more times, if I spot something I will return -
Jack Cloverfield
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 152
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:56 pm
- Location: Oxfordshire
This is good Sam. I think the structure you've used works fine. It could be tweeked and I can only suggest that you play around with the format if your not happy with it. Otherwise, it reads fine.
Good one
Jack
Good one
Jack
Hi Sam,
On the whole it's a good poem.
I try catching the reflection
of a girl who sits opposite me - you don't need the "me"
as it appears only fleetingly
in the streaking green of the grass
that grows on the wall
by the track.
Now, as we enter a tunnel, The "now" seems a bit odd, and isn't necessary
the light from the sun is blocked,
inside the carriage glows yellow
and i see her; there and real,
on the dark tunnel wall;
Not as beautiful as the scene
that built toward her revelation;
hair a bit straight and no life
'round her eyes.
(But that's beside the point). this line is unecessary imo
She looked better outside;
where she mingled with the grass and stone. again, I would leave out the "where she"
I lower my eyes
and wait 'til we leave the tunnel;
when I'll again look through the window
and dream of a pretty girl
whose appearance, in any light,
would dazzle me.
I have suggested a couple of minor trims - and the punctuation could do with looking at - I like semi colons, but I don't think you need that many. It's good though.
On the whole it's a good poem.
I try catching the reflection
of a girl who sits opposite me - you don't need the "me"
as it appears only fleetingly
in the streaking green of the grass
that grows on the wall
by the track.
Now, as we enter a tunnel, The "now" seems a bit odd, and isn't necessary
the light from the sun is blocked,
inside the carriage glows yellow
and i see her; there and real,
on the dark tunnel wall;
Not as beautiful as the scene
that built toward her revelation;
hair a bit straight and no life
'round her eyes.
(But that's beside the point). this line is unecessary imo
She looked better outside;
where she mingled with the grass and stone. again, I would leave out the "where she"
I lower my eyes
and wait 'til we leave the tunnel;
when I'll again look through the window
and dream of a pretty girl
whose appearance, in any light,
would dazzle me.
I have suggested a couple of minor trims - and the punctuation could do with looking at - I like semi colons, but I don't think you need that many. It's good though.
Lexi
Hi Sam,
Read this again....
Found it very ¨James Blunt¨ the second time round....
Sometimes, I don’t think it’s as easy as it seems trying to poetically show something as simple as a train journey…think you have the basis of something good though…
One thing – perhaps consider this line: in the streaking green of the grass change to - streaking green grass…
Is this based on a real or an imaginary experience?
Its clearly the story of shattered illusions….
My ex-wife always looked better in the dark, too…
Read this again....
Found it very ¨James Blunt¨ the second time round....
Sometimes, I don’t think it’s as easy as it seems trying to poetically show something as simple as a train journey…think you have the basis of something good though…
One thing – perhaps consider this line: in the streaking green of the grass change to - streaking green grass…
Is this based on a real or an imaginary experience?
Its clearly the story of shattered illusions….
My ex-wife always looked better in the dark, too… -
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi Sam,
The ending is ,I feel, quite strong but the rest of it could perhaps be pared down a little e.g
try catching the reflection
of a girl who sits opposite me
could simply become
try catching the reflection
of the girl opposite
Good read
Geoff
The ending is ,I feel, quite strong but the rest of it could perhaps be pared down a little e.g
try catching the reflection
of a girl who sits opposite me
could simply become
try catching the reflection
of the girl opposite
Good read
Geoff
sam wrote:Merlin u swine!! James blunt! whyioughtta.
no, you were right. especially the bit about light from the sun blocked and the carriage lighting up.
i have twiddled it a bit, tried to skim off some fat.
cheers
gareth
I knew you would like the comparison.....Ga.....winding you up mate...