Departure

[Transparent]

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[barrie]

I thought this was a terrific bit of writing - intense and gripping. It grabbed my attention immediately and held it until the end.

I enjoyed reading this - well done

Barrie

[Lake]

Usually I don't have the patience to read such a long piece, but this time it kept me reading from the beginning to the end. The girl in this prose gained my sympathy and I felt I held my breath as I read along. It has a very detailed description of the characters' appearance as well as their inner activities. It also showed me the variations of sentence structures and the ending echoes the beginning. Great write.

I have a small question:

My mind is playing tricks on me. The fog – that’s it. The fog is making me see things.

The personal pronoun switched from "she" to "me", a bit confusing to me. If it is what the girl thought in her mind, would quotation marks help?

Thanks for the good work.

Lake

[Amadeus]

Very intense piece of writing which I thoroughly enjoyed.

My mind is playing tricks on me. The fog – that’s it. The fog is making me see things.

The personal pronoun switched from "she" to "me", a bit confusing to me. If it is what the girl thought in her mind, would quotation marks help?

I agree with this though. It's kind of like an attempt at free indirect discourse whch doesn't work. Speach marks will clear it up.

Gaz

[thefallofRome]

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I really enjoyed this-- I agree with previous responses in that it definitely kept me interested throughout the entire piece.

However, I disagree with what Amadeus and Lake said about adding quotation marks; to me, the change of pronouns didn't hinder the flow of the piece at all-- it was obvious that who was speaking/thinking those words.

It's up to you. *shrugs.*

Great job, though :]

[Brotherfergus]

Really beautiful. I don't know if this is part of a book or not but I think it works well just as an extract. Its such an intense little window to peer through. After reading it I sat back and exhaled unaware that my face had been creeping closer to the computer screen, especially during that meeting scene, you really got a very effective climax out of that, I was completely taken.

I am by no means an authority on this kind of thing but there are a couple of bits that read to me a little like a bump in the road. But do to take this as a slur on the piece it just personal opinion.

"Like her life." Every image created seems to naturally lean itself toward this idea and therefore I'm not sure if it needs to be written.

Also, the line;

"To be honest..." That seemed to clog up a great section and again is something that comes to me without it needing to be said. It's good to let a reader ponder on the character rather than give them every detail I think.

And...

"In reality it had been..."

Would really like to know what you think. I eagerly await you next post!

Cheerio!

Brotherfergus.

[juggles]

I loved this, and can't wait to read more. it keeps one gripped throughout.