The Fact of Magic (revised)

[William Xel Ray]

Just something I've been working on for a bit. A bit long yes, yet hope you enjoy it.\

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(Revision) The Fact of Magic

In awe, people wondered about its start
Where it began, how it came to be
Physically impossible, Mentally unsound
By all means out of ones grasp
Always un-replicable by the viewer's vision,
Even though found by some.

Like hounds most searched
The elusive imp is perched out of reach
Laughing down at them, awaiting its time.
For its end, and its capture
Not by pitchfork or torch,
But by creativity and luck.
In inspiration people looked for its acceptance.

While Roaming around unknown
And only preached to its own presence
And like nature, started brazen,
Self-created chaotic birth
Leading an introverted existence.
The cunning tamer, a swift and inquisitive mind
Wherever they may be, will seduce
Binding the once immortal entity
Wrapping a noose around it's now mortal neck
The new tool, once used and old, drifts away.

Once the power is tapped, and word leaked-
Words no longer exuberant or excited
The defeated beast roams those solemn winds
Since magic's killer is fact,
And magic isn't Magic once known.

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The Fact of Magic

What is magic, except for the unimaginable?
When something seems;
Physically impossible, Mentally unsound
Incomprehensible by a fool's thought
Unattainable by most minds.
By all means out of ones grasp
And always un-replicable by the viewer's vision.

In awe, people wonder about its start
Where it began, how it came to be
Even though found by some.
Like hounds most search
As the elusive spirit is perched out of reach
Laughing down at them, the soul awaits its time.
For its end, and its capture
Not by blinding torch or pitchfork,
But by unearthed luck and creativity.
In inspiration people started to look for its acceptance.

While Roaming unknown to the masses
And only preached amongst its own presence
For magic (at some time) is only known by its wielder
And like nature, started brazen and its own force
Self-created chaotic birth leading to an introverted existence.
The cunning tamer however, a swift and inquisitive mind
Wherever they may be, will seduce and bind the once immortal entity
Wrapping collar, choker, a noose around it's un-aged neck
The now new tool, once used and old, drifts away.

Once the power is tapped, and word leaked-
Words no longer exuberant or excited
The defeated beast roams those solemn winds
Exploits return no reward, tamer no longer thought of.
Since magic's killer is fact,
And magic isn't Magic once known.

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~Xel

[barrie]

Welcome to the forum, Xel.

I think you can cut this back. I would lose the first verse and begin with -

In awe, people ponder its birth,
how it came to be....

Maybe use imp instead of spirit. It sounds as if the magic you're describing is natural phenomena that have been gradually unmasked by science, or man-made illusions designed to confound - not the stuff of demons and manifestations.

As the elusive imp is perched out of reach
laughing down at them, awaiting its time.
its end, and its capture.
Not by .....

Wrapping collar, choker, a noose around it's un-aged neck - Just choose one. 'un-aged neck' doesn't sound too good. How about - 'a slip knot round the throat'?

There are one or two phrases that you could pare down and you need to re-check your punctuation too.

You have a good foundation here but don't over embellish. In parts, it was in danger of sounding like an eighteenth century essay -

While Roaming unknown to the masses
And only preached amongst its own presence
For magic (at some time) is only known by its wielder
And like nature, started brazen and its own force
Self-created chaotic birth leading to an introverted existence.
The cunning tamer however, a swift and inquisitive mind
Wherever they may be, will seduce and bind the once immortal entity
Wrapping collar, choker, a noose around it's un-aged neck
The now new tool, once used and old, drifts away.

I liked the idea behind this but I think you need to work on it a little more. I first read this last night and the funny thing thing was I'd just finished watching Prestige, a film about two stage magicians trying to 'outmagic' each other.

nice one

Barrie

[William Xel Ray]

I usually don't write longer things, and I see what you are saying. The first part is probably just for audience knowledge, usually on Sundays I read some of myself, and some people were saying my writings are a bit short, so I tried to expand.

One of my hardest things with a longer piece, is when referring to a subject, I hate repeating what I said before, and wording was one of my big things with this. Yet with that opinion of yours, I see another little sea of words opening up.

And also, I like that word better by far since it gives a much more happy look image.

The wrapping sentence I was trying to say something to the likes of, a collar, but its acting as much more. Tried to cut down on words there, but it didn't work out. Un-aged came from "an immortal being" Putting forth the idea of once captured, no longer immortal, which I will work on a bit.

My Punc. Usually doesn't fit normally. I read my stuff outline and just put in a comma when I pause, and a period when I stop. But I should follow a more set punc. set, I agree totally.

I'll come back after a few more revisions. Thanks for the feedback, I'll take consideration on the points that were highlighted by comments.

Thanks again.

[Gene van Troyer]

I second Barrie's comments. You're onto something, but need to draw back from the portions that tend to sound like you're expounding in an essay—something of a poetic "expository lump"—and let the reader do the work of understanding the sense of wonder that we often describe as being magic.

Interestingly, while reading this, I immediately though of close to Barrie's comments made to Bren's "Ezra Pound in China:"

They ask me where's the sense
on jasper mountains.
I laugh and don't reply,
in heart's own quiet:

peach petals float their streams
away in secret
to other skies and earths
than those of mortals.

Magic, from another view.

[William Xel Ray]

Thanks for the replies, I have messed with it a bit, I just took some bulk out, since longer stuff, I just can't get all the words in right, heh.

Anyway, I'll edit the first post I guess and you can take another look.

I'll be around a lot more tomorrow, Saturdays are busy for me, so I'll check out some more of others poems which I read, or read some new things.

[Elphin]

Xel - welcome

You have an interesting idea here and the previous crits have pointed in the right direction. In terms of paring back and dropping the bits that are more essay like I would go even further than you have. I would focus on the imp being the metaphor for magic so for example s1 and s2 would be

In awe, people wondered about its birth
Where it began, how it came to be
Physically impossible, Mentally unsound
The elusive imp is perched out of reach
....etc

Maybe also end on

Since magic's killer is fact

In between make sure every word counts. I think punctuation would help and as a personal choice perhaps lose the capitals at the beginning of each line.

Hope there is something in these thoughts for you

elphin