A more light hearted one for your perusal
--------------------------
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest.
I sat down and I pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow, how the colours did teem.
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me - sort of - spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And although I tried to look further I couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, I came back with a bump,
To the top of the hill - which was now more like a hump.
Hump
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Brotherfergus
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:42 am
Yeah, I liked that! Its well rounded, cyclical like. Not usually a rhymer but (and since your last post) its growing on me, I think I might have a bash myself. Anyway, I'm keeping things breif today as I'm horribly hungover, just one alteration I can suggest at the moment;
"To the top of the hill - which was now(...) more like a hump."
Just a little pause before you deliver that last phrase would be great, a comma, a dash or something.
"To the top of the hill - which was now(...) more like a hump."
Just a little pause before you deliver that last phrase would be great, a comma, a dash or something.
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud
Nice images W. I agree with what Bro suggested. That would be great.
"I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me - sort of - spread out on a page." - Lovely.
"I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me - sort of - spread out on a page." - Lovely.
Thanks for your comments guys
Tweak1
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest.
I sat down and I pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow, how the colours did teem.
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me - sort of - spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And although I tried to look further I couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, I came back with a bump,
To the top of the hill - which was now ... more like a hump.
Tweak1
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest.
I sat down and I pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow, how the colours did teem.
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me - sort of - spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And although I tried to look further I couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, I came back with a bump,
To the top of the hill - which was now ... more like a hump.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
That was an enjoyable read, wabbit: easy to understand and relate to, some very nice lines and on the whole good metre and rhymes. I liked the And there at that point where the blue met the green, / Was the arc of a rainbow particularly much although the 'teem'-rhyme and the inversion has a bit of a forced feeling to it. But the 'blue'-'green'-bit is really beautiful.
In the second verse the metre is a bit rough, I find. The thought is very nice here, but I think I would change it to this:
I gazed at the light for what seemed like an age
And my life was before me: spread out on a page.
Also in the last stanza I find you did not manage to form the words as smooth as before. If I may be so presumptuous, I'd suggest this slightly different version:
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill - which was now ... more like a hump
The last line still has too many syllables for my taste but I guess you deliberately wanted it like that - with the '...' and so on, right? In that case I needn't find a different version for that as you had a clear message in mind.
On the whole, as I said a very enjoyable poem. I hope you don't mind my suggestions - I'd be happy to read more of your work...
In the second verse the metre is a bit rough, I find. The thought is very nice here, but I think I would change it to this:
I gazed at the light for what seemed like an age
And my life was before me: spread out on a page.
Also in the last stanza I find you did not manage to form the words as smooth as before. If I may be so presumptuous, I'd suggest this slightly different version:
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill - which was now ... more like a hump
The last line still has too many syllables for my taste but I guess you deliberately wanted it like that - with the '...' and so on, right? In that case I needn't find a different version for that as you had a clear message in mind.
On the whole, as I said a very enjoyable poem. I hope you don't mind my suggestions - I'd be happy to read more of your work...
It's a bit diddly-diddly, but you keep that up pretty well throughout - although I think you should accept Dublin's suggestion for And my life was before me: spread out on a page - and it's a fun read, with a neat ending, so I think we could call this one a Hit. Yes?
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
Thanks guys for your comments I like your suggestions and have embodied them below with a slight change to the end as I get your point about "too many syllables" maybe this will be slightly better.
Tweak2
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest.
I sat down and I pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow, how the colours did teem.
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me, spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill, which was now ... just a hump.
In fact Im mulling over two endings now. The above and the below
To the top of the hill, now ... just a hump.
Dublin - I thank you for your comments but could you explain "'teem'-rhyme and the inversion has a bit of a forced feeling to it." Im not quite getting what you mean by "forced feeling". Your obviously knowledgable and I would like to understand your meaning...Thanks in advance.
Ha Ha
...David - I thank you also for your comments, you are also obviously knowledgable, so I apologise but could you explain your "It's a bit diddly-diddly" comment a bit more.... thanks in advance.
Cheers
W
Tweak2
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest.
I sat down and I pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow, how the colours did teem.
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age
And my life was before me, spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill, which was now ... just a hump.
In fact Im mulling over two endings now. The above and the below
To the top of the hill, now ... just a hump.
Dublin - I thank you for your comments but could you explain "'teem'-rhyme and the inversion has a bit of a forced feeling to it." Im not quite getting what you mean by "forced feeling". Your obviously knowledgable and I would like to understand your meaning...Thanks in advance.
Ha Ha
...David - I thank you also for your comments, you are also obviously knowledgable, so I apologise but could you explain your "It's a bit diddly-diddly" comment a bit more.... thanks in advance.Cheers
W
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Wabbit, it's a bit difficult to explain exactly what I mean, but let me try anyway:
As I said, the And there at that point where the blue met the green, / Was the arc of a rainbow sounds really good, very picturesque use of language and I like the image of the 'arc'. That's very well written.
After that, however, comes the how the colours did teem. which sounds unnatural in the way that it doesn't quite fit into the picture. 'How the colours did teem!' sounds more like an exclamation and I find that is a bit unsuitable in this context. Ideally you should expand the 'arc'-bit a little, illustrate it somehow! I'm thinking of something along the line Was the arc of a rainbow with its beautiful gleam. Obviously you could put in umpteen words to replace 'glamorous', whatever you like best: 'picturesque', 'powerful', 'colourful' or 'glamorous' - endless options!
As to the inversion, it just sounds a bit forced because you usually wouldn't say 'How the colours did teem!' - I do it myself in poems to get the rhyme work, but 'How the colours teemed.' is just more the way you'd say it. Does that make sense?
Finally, if you want to keep the line after all, I'd suggest to separate the thoughts a little, for example like this:
Was the arc of a rainbow - how the colours did teem!
As I said, the And there at that point where the blue met the green, / Was the arc of a rainbow sounds really good, very picturesque use of language and I like the image of the 'arc'. That's very well written.
After that, however, comes the how the colours did teem. which sounds unnatural in the way that it doesn't quite fit into the picture. 'How the colours did teem!' sounds more like an exclamation and I find that is a bit unsuitable in this context. Ideally you should expand the 'arc'-bit a little, illustrate it somehow! I'm thinking of something along the line Was the arc of a rainbow with its beautiful gleam. Obviously you could put in umpteen words to replace 'glamorous', whatever you like best: 'picturesque', 'powerful', 'colourful' or 'glamorous' - endless options!
As to the inversion, it just sounds a bit forced because you usually wouldn't say 'How the colours did teem!' - I do it myself in poems to get the rhyme work, but 'How the colours teemed.' is just more the way you'd say it. Does that make sense?
Finally, if you want to keep the line after all, I'd suggest to separate the thoughts a little, for example like this:
Was the arc of a rainbow - how the colours did teem!
Dublin - Thank you very much for taking the trouble to explain. Yes Im with you now and see where your coming from.
Im relooking at that bit
Im relooking at that bit
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Wabbit, first of all, I liked it - did I get that across okay?
Anyway, the diddly-diddly comment (there is a more academic word, I'm sure) is just in relation to the rhythm - try saying reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest (or almost any other line) - REACHED a tall HILL top and STOPPED for a REST - that's the diddly-diddly rhythm. Nothing wrong with it, but it does tend toward a sort of comic effect. Fine here, I think, but not what you'd want in, say, a funeral eulogy. Which this, of course, is not, so what the heck am I on about? I dunno.
That's all!
Cheers
David
Anyway, the diddly-diddly comment (there is a more academic word, I'm sure) is just in relation to the rhythm - try saying reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest (or almost any other line) - REACHED a tall HILL top and STOPPED for a REST - that's the diddly-diddly rhythm. Nothing wrong with it, but it does tend toward a sort of comic effect. Fine here, I think, but not what you'd want in, say, a funeral eulogy. Which this, of course, is not, so what the heck am I on about? I dunno.
That's all!
Cheers
David
David - yes you did get across that you liked it. And I thank you for taking the trouble to explain. I loved the diddly diddly comment I just wanted to be sure what it meant, I kinda got irish jig from it and it looks like I wasnt far wrong.
Sorry to be a pain guys but I went through school not asking questions and found later in life that you learn more by asking them, especially if you dont understand something that someone has taken the trouble to say. The best way Ive found to learn is to ask questions of people more knowledgable than yourself.
Cheers
W
Sorry to be a pain guys but I went through school not asking questions and found later in life that you learn more by asking them, especially if you dont understand something that someone has taken the trouble to say. The best way Ive found to learn is to ask questions of people more knowledgable than yourself.
Cheers
W
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
Just needs a few illustrations and it's a kiddies' book.
Fun style to write and sometimes hard to pull off. I think it gets there.
Just needs a few illustrations and it's a kiddies' book.
Fun style to write and sometimes hard to pull off. I think it gets there.
Cheers
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Dave
"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
" [Tom]
Ok guys, thank you, thank you for all your suggestions. I think I'm going to submit this as the final version. Of course any further comments/crits are very welcome.
I have embodied some suggestions and some I havn't. Although all were good, some just diddnt sit right with the picture the words painted in my mind.
Dublin - I've agonised over the 'colours did teem' line and as I havn't been able to come up with another word that paints the same picture to me (I'm being selfish here) I have decided to keep it. My only defence (a weak one I admit) is that if its good enough for shakespear then sod it! "If that the earth could teem with woman's tears," Othello: IV, i
Final Tweak3
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long ... a bit of a quest.
I sat down and pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt.
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow - how the colours did teem!
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age,
And my life was before me, spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure,
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill, which was now ... just a hump.
I have embodied some suggestions and some I havn't. Although all were good, some just diddnt sit right with the picture the words painted in my mind.
Dublin - I've agonised over the 'colours did teem' line and as I havn't been able to come up with another word that paints the same picture to me (I'm being selfish here) I have decided to keep it. My only defence (a weak one I admit) is that if its good enough for shakespear then sod it! "If that the earth could teem with woman's tears," Othello: IV, i
Final Tweak3
I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest,
The climb had been long ... a bit of a quest.
I sat down and pondered about life on my own,
Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam.
The fields down below stretched out like a quilt,
Away to the distance - where the horizon did tilt.
And there at that point where the blue met the green,
Was the arc of a rainbow - how the colours did teem!
I gazed at the light for what seemed an age,
And my life was before me, spread out on a page.
A colourful life with nothing that dull,
Just a few ups and downs over which I could mull.
But the future looked good - of that I was sure,
And I tried to look further but couldn’t see more.
Then all of a sudden, coming back with a bump,
To the top of the hill, which was now ... just a hump.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.