Swept under d rug
Where vision weeps in cold soaked tears
wet slashing rain to sting the pores.
Raw elements in force conspire
to trick the eye along the years.
Adorn more scars to mark those times
still burning barely bated breaths.
Will hold a moment’s silent peace
for innocence forlorn upon release.
Life held for keeps finds darker place
devoid of love and meeting times.
Same fiddle plays with slow lament
another time just cries for weeping.
To close those lids that hide the eyes
much longer needle waits this time.
Go float among the many dreams
give life a miss, that’s all it ever means.
.
Swept under d rug
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Kilravluis
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:04 pm
I like the title - very good. I had to look twice before it clicked.
Adorn more scars to mark those times
still burning barely bated breaths. - As a verb adorn needs a subject (unless it's imperative and the subject is inferred). The same goes for will in the next couplet -
Will hold a moment’s silent peace
for innocence forlorn upon release. - What will hold a moment's silent peace?
Talking of drugs, have you heard 'Needle of Death' by Bert Jansch? - It reminded me of that song
Kilthatdealer
Adorn more scars to mark those times
still burning barely bated breaths. - As a verb adorn needs a subject (unless it's imperative and the subject is inferred). The same goes for will in the next couplet -
Will hold a moment’s silent peace
for innocence forlorn upon release. - What will hold a moment's silent peace?
Talking of drugs, have you heard 'Needle of Death' by Bert Jansch? - It reminded me of that song
Kilthatdealer
Kilravluis
Thanks for reading and offering your thoughts. Sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees. I think the poem
works a little better with the tweaks below.
Many thanks.
Danté
Swept under d rug
Where vision weeps in cold soaked tears
wet slashing rain to sting the pores.
Raw elements in force conspire
to trick the eye along the years.
Adorned with scars to mark those times
still burning barely bated breaths.
Withhold a moment’s silent peace
for innocence forlorn upon release.
Life held for keeps finds darker place
devoid of love and meeting times.
Same fiddle plays with slow lament
another time just cries for weeping.
To close those lids that hide the eyes
much longer needle waits this time.
Go float among the many dreams
give life a miss, that’s all it ever means.
.
Thanks for reading and offering your thoughts. Sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees. I think the poem
works a little better with the tweaks below.
Many thanks.
Danté
Swept under d rug
Where vision weeps in cold soaked tears
wet slashing rain to sting the pores.
Raw elements in force conspire
to trick the eye along the years.
Adorned with scars to mark those times
still burning barely bated breaths.
Withhold a moment’s silent peace
for innocence forlorn upon release.
Life held for keeps finds darker place
devoid of love and meeting times.
Same fiddle plays with slow lament
another time just cries for weeping.
To close those lids that hide the eyes
much longer needle waits this time.
Go float among the many dreams
give life a miss, that’s all it ever means.
.
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Nice one D. I loved the image of eyes. Enjoyed.
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Kilravluis
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:04 pm
Why not post up your edited version above the original as version II, instead of part the thread - I suspect that not everyone reads all the comments, so it could be missed.
That verse makes much more sense now you've turned the opening into an adjective phrase.
nice one
That verse makes much more sense now you've turned the opening into an adjective phrase.
nice one