Edited:-
sun slips behind
mangrove community,
our ferry boat
tastes salty waters -
green sea turtle on my lap
Original:-
sun slips behind
mangrove community,
on my lap
a green sea turtle -
ferry tastes salty waters
Sundarban : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sundarbans
Sundarban Tanka
Last edited by arunansu on Sat Jan 17, 2009 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Thanks Karalma. I have edited.
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I like the rewrite, the ferry tasting the waters is a great line, brings to mind images of lapping water against the bows of the boat. Great images.
Aru,
Yes, the re-write is a definite improvement.
Very well put together images that deliver enough to fill the mind with an entire landscape.
And there is something very endearing about a green turtle on one's lap, I hope it was not the snapping
variety.
all the best
Danté
Yes, the re-write is a definite improvement.
Very well put together images that deliver enough to fill the mind with an entire landscape.
And there is something very endearing about a green turtle on one's lap, I hope it was not the snapping
variety.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch