I twirl with a newfound breeze. Let me airdrop
a few crumbs of my infatuation
on your bald terrace. You’d munch through
a humdrum breakfast, I shall kiss the snows
of Mt. Kiliminjaro.
You might get the news of a rainfall in Sahara.
The note left by a cloud
I liked the overall feel of this. I love the way you say so much in a few lines. "Bald" didn't seem quite right to me but not sure why. "You'd munch through a humdrum breakfast" also seemed out of place but maybe I'm missing something.
Thanks for sharing. My aim is to try and tighten up what I say as you are so good at it.
Thanks for sharing. My aim is to try and tighten up what I say as you are so good at it.
Aru
You have a lot going on here.
I also pondered "bald" and wondered if sprinkle might add to the, I sounds that are present when
reading the poem aloud. "bare" would then act as a hook the swing the vowell sound and lead well
in to the, U sounds that occur afterwards. I really enjoyed the relation between kissing the snows
and the rainfall in Sahara, very good. I took the humdrum to imply that N, feels that the recipient
has some profound quality that is shown by that contrast, albeit in a very subtle, understated way.
great read
thanks
Danté
You have a lot going on here.
I also pondered "bald" and wondered if sprinkle might add to the, I sounds that are present when
reading the poem aloud. "bare" would then act as a hook the swing the vowell sound and lead well
in to the, U sounds that occur afterwards. I really enjoyed the relation between kissing the snows
and the rainfall in Sahara, very good. I took the humdrum to imply that N, feels that the recipient
has some profound quality that is shown by that contrast, albeit in a very subtle, understated way.
great read
thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Thanks dear Tim and Karalma.
I feel sprinkle doesn't go well with "crumbs". I also thought the word "airdrop" may sound better, specially with a title like this. Regarding the "bald terrace" or "bare terrace" , I would say there is a sense of loss (smiles!) with "bald"!!! A nice polished surface, perfect for landing !
I feel sprinkle doesn't go well with "crumbs". I also thought the word "airdrop" may sound better, specially with a title like this. Regarding the "bald terrace" or "bare terrace" , I would say there is a sense of loss (smiles!) with "bald"!!! A nice polished surface, perfect for landing !
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Aru,
I liked the light feel of this. I pictured a bald terrace as you described so that worked for me. I also liked the contrast of the snow kiss and the rainfall. Very nice.
Suzanne
I liked the light feel of this. I pictured a bald terrace as you described so that worked for me. I also liked the contrast of the snow kiss and the rainfall. Very nice.
Suzanne
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aru
what a vision you conjured up for me. Bald brings in the masculine (mostly, except for one poor lady hairdresser I once knew!) and that is what I believe your intention was (?) to ground the poem the take us back up to the summit...anyways I ramble save to say I so enjoyed this.
thanks for the read
mes
what a vision you conjured up for me. Bald brings in the masculine (mostly, except for one poor lady hairdresser I once knew!) and that is what I believe your intention was (?) to ground the poem the take us back up to the summit...anyways I ramble save to say I so enjoyed this.
thanks for the read
mes