Behind a nimbus of sticky reveries(earlier:forgotten words)

[arunansu]

Fourth Edit:

That night, one candle flickered
in the dark room. The blind chandelier
looked like a weed bundle. A storm had raised
its voice, and I struggled to open
an obstinate window.

I watch a lush meadow today, speckled
with dandelions. But dormant years have a rotten
smell. Creaking joints of a door reminds
it was April when she left.



Third Edit:

The candle flame kept flickering. A chandelier,
blinded by age, was silent. A storm had raised
its voice that day, and I was struggling to open
an obstinate window.

Now I watch a lush meadow in front, speckled
with dandelions. But dormant years have a rotten
smell. Creaking joints of a door reminds,
it was April when she left.



Second Edit:

A candle flame flickers. Miniature castles,
heavy with age, hangs from the roof.
Dormant years have a rotten smell.
As a storm raises its voice, I struggle to open
an obstinate window. I yearn to see the lively
meadow, speckled with dandelions.

It was an April when she disappeared
behind a nimbus.


Edit:

Slow, creaking joints of the door
usher me into darkness. Air inside
has a rotten smell. The candle flame
shows me my former years, draped
in a blanket. I can sense a storm
building up outside. I break open
a window on the farthest wall.
Fierce winds rush in, sweeping out
tons of unused poems and sticky reveries.

The breeze dies. I see dandelions
waving in a lively meadow, and recall
one April.



Original:

Slow, creaking joints of the door
ushered me into darkness. Air inside
had a rotten smell. A shaky candle flame
showed me blanketed years. I could
sense the voice of a storm building up
outside. I broke open the only window
on the farthest wall. Fierce winds
rushed in, swept out tons of unused
poems and sticky reveries.

When the breeze died, I saw dandelions
waving in a lively meadow, and recalled
one April.

[Suzanne]

Aru,

This feels like something different from you, atleast in structure.
It is a great mood and I enjoyed the "unused poems and sticky reveries." very much.

It would be good to write this again and try to jostle the words around a bit and see if the flow works better when spoken aloud. As it is now, it seems to be a bit jumpy... stop and go. I hope you know what I mean. I am tempted to rewrite it for you and show you but where is the fun in that? lol. It is a good poem idea and I would love to see you just change the sentence structure. It has everything there already.... give it a try?

Warmly,
Suzanne

[arunansu]

Definitely I would rework on this. Let's see if I can make any improvements. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

[brianedwards]

Interesting draft Aru. Hope you don't mind me having a play. I tried to spice the language up a little and root out the heart of the piece.

Of course, this is a very different poem, but hopefully will give you something to think about in terms of syntax and disparate imagery.





Door joints creak me into rotten air
and darkness. Candle flame flicker
of former years draped in blankets.

Gales blast in and ransack stacks
of unused poems, sticky reveries.

Breeze fades out, leaves me waving
dandelions in an April meadow.






Best regards

B.

[arunansu]

Dear Brainedwords,

Your revision is too good to be mine! I mean, your revision sparkles, you have made it shine, but with 'your' brilliance. It reads great. You took it to a level which I WANT TO REACH. Thanks. Hope you'd understand. Smiles.

[bodkin]

Hi Aru,

The first thing that struck me here was to tighten a few words to make it flow a little more smoothly:

The door, slow, joints creaking, <-- because it is the door more than the joints which ushers and I've lost the "of the" which flows better
ushers me into darkness. The air inside <-- scans better with the "the" and more gramatical
has a rotten smell. The candle flame
shows [me my] former years, draped "me my" was a mouthful but we know what you mean...
in a blanket. I [can] sense the storm
that builds [ing up] outside. I smash [break open] "building up" scanned OK, but felt a little like a cliche. "break open" was a little weak for a line ending.
a window on the farthest wall.
Fierce winds rush in, sweeping out I think here you could really use a metaphor or some striking phrasing. It is the summit of the poem and could do with some showing off...
tons of unused poems and sticky reveries.

HTH

Ian

[arunansu]

Thank you Ian for pointing me the weak portions. I wish to re-write the poem all over again. That'll be tough, but, the only way for me. Anyway, I thank you for spending the time and effort on this one. Smiles.

[arunansu]

This is another edit. It would be nice to get some fresh feedback.

[Suzanne]

Aru,
I love to see that a poem in the works. I think that we all go through this sort of editing and rewriting, I appreciate you showing us this. I will add my comments below, it feels difficult to make them in a smooth reply... little things about different points.

"Creaking joints" would be a good name, dropping off the "of the door".

Bring back a word about the door! and then the candle flickers when it is opened?


Miniature castles,----------- the introduction to a castle brings another image to the poem for the reader to process, I don't think it adds to what you already have here but takes the mind away from the visuals already created.

heavy with age, hangs from the roof. --- something would hang from the roof it is it outside and hang from the ceiling if it is inside. I could not grasp what was hanging and where it was hanging.


Dormant years have a rotten smell.----- I love dormant years having a smell. I love it. It is a great idea. another smelling word somewhere would be good... "musty" could work in this poem somewhere?

As a storm raises its voice, I struggle to open
an obstinate window. I yearn to see the lively
meadow, speckled with dandelions.

the above phrase does not flow as well as it could, it is a bit choppy with the periods and the "I"s I love obstinate window, yearn and lively meadow, speckled.. just the flow, switch up the words in this little section but leave it all there!

It was an April when she disappeared
behind a nimbus ( of unused poems and sticky reveries. ) how about keeping this lovely phrase in and slipping it here?


I encourage you ( because I want to see it!!! ) to try it once more today or tomorrow and see what takes shape. then, I would let it sit for a while, let it breath... and take a look with fresh eyes.

You are doing good work here, Aru, again, I say thanks for sharing it!

Warmly,
Suzanne

[arunansu]

Yeah you are right. This is not working. Better to write it afresh later. Thanks for penning down your thoughts. 'Shall try again.

[Suzanne]

Aru!


Try once more and then! let is rest. This, of course is my very humble, what-do-I-know opinion...
but I say once more right away, while the momentum is good.

Go! do it once more, yes! please.
Suzanne

[arunansu]

Okay Ma'am!Oops, I did it again!

[Suzanne]

This is getting better every time!

Now, let it sit and look again after a day or so.
This is pretty exciting, Aru. I think so.

I'll comment again on monday night!
Suzanne

[arunansu]

Changed again.

[Suzanne]

Aru,

I said I would get back to you tonight, and you have edited again! There is so much material here in this poem now!

I love the idea and am inspired by your enthusiasm. I do not have time to go through it all as well as I would like to tonight and will come back tomorrow. I will tell you all of the parts that are the most appealing to me!

Again, thank you for sharing the progress as you have written it, what fun!

warmly,
Suzanne

[bodkin]

Interesting how this is evolving...

Maybe you could trim it even more, make it sharp, e.g. almost disconnected ideas...

Fourth Edit:

One candle flame
in a dark room. The blind chandelier --
a weed bundle. Storm raised
voices, and my struggle
to open a window.

A lush meadow today,
dandelions. Dormant years have rotted.
The smell. The door creaks --
it was April when she left.

Just a suggestion.

HTH

Ian

[arunansu]

Thanks Ian, but isn't this "too sharp" like the teeth of a shark, eh?

[bodkin]

Maybe, it was just the idea that I got reading your latest.

We're getting down to stylistic choice here, go with what works best for you.

Ian

[Suzanne]

Aru,

I have enjoyed watching this move on. I will be happy when you are happy with what is becomes. Here are my ideas for you to tinker with. Of course, this is only my opinion... and I admit taking the liberty of thinking that you are well aware of my admiration of your work.


struggled hard- when a person struggles, it means it is hard, it is okay to use both but only when there is a supporting point to be made at the extra effort above "struggled".

Candle flame - this is the same sort of twist, they both mean about the same thing so one is not needed. Unless the candle is stated as being unlit, the reader assumes a flame is present.



Going through all of the your versions, I find the lines below to be the most, hmmm, satisfying images to keep as worded:


A chandelier, blinded by age, was silent.

A storm had raised its voice that day, and I was struggling to open an obstinate window.

I watch a lush meadow in front, speckled with dandelions.

But dormant years have a rotten smell.

Creaking joints of a door reminds it was April when she disappeared
behind a nimbus of unused poems and sticky reveries.



Tying all these phrases together might make it complete!?
I don't want to write it in a flowing way but would love it if you tinkered a bit with what I have suggested.
Of course, you are the aritist here and I hope that my words are more encouraging than discouraging.

Looking forward to see what you thnk,
Suzanne

[jsabian]

Hi Aru, I thought I'd comment as you have been kind enough to comment on 2 of mine. I agree with a previous post that it could benefit from flowing better if read aloud, but the foundation is sound - it has a subtlety and sensitivity which appealing which a more structure undulation I think would enhance. Lovely expression of feelings.

[arunansu]

Thanks Suzanne, I have edited.

Thanks Jsabian for your inputs. Smiles.