Kept (53/101; new title)

[thoke]

Kept (53/101*)

I came home
to get away from the night.

I am thin, white and furry
like a neglected pot of yoghurt.

You keep me surrounded by tears
condensed on the inner fridge walls,
where nothing goes off
except the food and the light.

I don't know what love is,
I came for your advice.


(Previous title: Sweet Young Thing Ain't Fresh No More)

________________
*See '1/101': viewtopic.php?f=20&t=8708

[This felt like an outpouring of emotion when I drafted it, but now it looks like another confusing flight of fancy.]

[Lovely]

It's neat and tidy. In a few letters you express 'these' moods...nice work, Sir.

I 'need to research your work' to form a more (honest opinion) without that, i am
lost in a desert.

Really liked this, Thoke. Nice.

l

[thoke]

Thanks, lovely.

It's probably bad form for me to critique your critique, but... what's going on with your punctuation?

Ben

[John G]

Like the poem and like i even more with the Mudhoney title.

[LeMinh88]

With the title, it feels like a description of some young girl, but young girl doesn't have fur, unless of course, if she doesn't like shaving her legs. I like the description of "neglected pot of yoghurt;" I'm not so sure if it's a misspell or a combination of the words, yogurt and hurt, together. But I like the suggestive nature of the makeup word. Up till the last stanza it still feels like a riddle. Then the last two line turns everything upside down, with a question to the reader. This is when I feel like it's about a stray cat. Do I get two purrs for this?

[thoke]

Yoghurt is spelt 'yoghurt' in my beautiful homeland.

No, it isn't about a cat. Unfortunately, it isn't supposed to be like a riddle. It's a poem all about ME.

Ben

[Suzanne]

Thoke,

I liked the title but it didn't really match the poem.
I liked the poem and really like the line about the yoghurt, I thought it was clever and it made me smile. Nice.
Also like the inner walls.

My nit is that I wanted more. A few lines after your last, maybe a visual or a smell? a sound? ?

Suzanne

[thoke]

Thanks, Suzanne. Good advice, which I intend to take.

Ben

[rushme]

great title & nice write

wonder if this line is really necessary:

You keep me surrounded by tears

tears have a kind of fresh appeal - you could come straight to the condensed part.

& the last two lines - slight juggle of words:

I know not what love is
I seek advice

[David]

Very nice, Ben.

"I am thin, white and furry / like a neglected pot of yoghurt" teeters on the brink of tipping over into self-pity, but because it's funny (it's very funny), it doesn't actually go over.

What is Mudhoney? (Sometimes I feel like a high court judge. Actually, that would be a good title for a poem.)

Cheers

David

[thoke]

Thanks, David.

What is Mudhoney?

A band from the 80s/90s Seattle grunge scene. I haven't really heard much by them, but they have a wonderful name, and their song Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More affects me in the same way as the Stooges:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjhLT-Pb ... re=related[/youtube]

Ben

[Lovely]

Got it and love You.

L

[thoke]

Got it and love You.

L

You need to stop loving everybody, it isn't healthy.

[Susan-Morris3]

Maybe I'm missing something only younger people see? sort of liked your poem sad feel to it but haven't got a clue what your talking about, confused " nothing goes of only food and the light" in a fridge? That's all there is in a fridge !

[thoke]

I was trying to give "goes off" three meanings: the light in the fridge literally goes off; the food eventually goes off; and at home nothing "goes off" in the sense that nothing much happens, it's a boring place.

But maybe that's all too complicated.

Ben

[thoke]

New title. Better or worse?

Ben

[David]

Not better, I think.

"Use by date"?

[Susan-Morris3]

AHHHH Now i see," But nothing goes off boring," maybe in your house, all houses are different. Theres always something "going off," in my house, not boring. mmmm
Maybe thats why i didn't get it ? but enjoyed the read made me smile x