Close your eyes (revised)

[Danté]

There have been some useful suggestions offered in the replies, I hope the piece is becoming a little clearer, thank you.
.


Close your eyes


She breathes out,
spent air from her lungs
pushing against soapy water

stretching surface tension
in every direction.

A single bubble rises,
rolls its iridescent colours.

She turns,

breathes in, stops…
exhales, staring at her name,
blows hard.

Flames hang on like riders
gripping mats on a helter-skelter.

Twisted candles smoke,
rounded reflections burst.

The cake looks more shocked,

more shocked by the blow
than the knife.





Close your eyes (revision1)


She breathes out, spent
air from her lungs
pushing against soapy water

stretching tension of its surface
in every direction.

A single bubble rises,
rolling iridescent colours.

She turns,

breathes in, stops…
exhales, staring at her name,
blows hard.

Flames hang on like riders,
mats on a twisted slide.

There is smoke,
rounded reflections burst.

The cake looks more shocked,

more shocked by the blow
than the knife.





Close your eyes(original)


She breathes out, spent
air from her lungs
pushing against water

stretching tension of its surface
in every direction.

She

breathes in, stops…
exhales, staring at her name,
blows hard.

Flames hang on like riders,
mats on a twisted slide.

There is smoke,
rounded reflections burst.

The cake looks shocked,

more shocked by the blow
than the knife.





.

[Nash]

This is an interesting one Dante, although I'm not totally sure what's going on in it. There seems to be two interlinked themes? Blowing out the candles on a birthday cake and possibly learning to swim? Or maybe a waterslide? But there also seems to be something bloody sinister going on underneath!

I could of course be way of with this, I'll come back to it tomorrow when I'm a bit fresher!!

Very intriguing though.

[Danté]

Thank you Nash, I have a feeling I might have to add another line or two to this. There are a couple of things going on which are both linked by the effect achieved by directing the flow of air, exhaled by the character. It is a brief moment, which is narrowed down to the two instances of breathing out in a particular way. The closing three sets of lines deal with moment directly after, and approached in what I hope is a way which delivers the content in a way which is perhaps unconventional.

It´s one of those instances where a couple of additional lines can make it obvious, so maybe adding a little at a time will get me to the point where it delivers if the reader looks carefully at the information provided. Busy day, I'll see if anyone has got it when I get back from work.

thank you

Danté

[paisley]

Tim,

This is very interesting. It is like a riddle. The first part seems to be about birth, perhaps, then the cake and candles tie in. Your description of the flame as riders is clever quite original. It is a nice image told in so few words.

The use of the word blow and knife implies a stabbing as well as the cutting of a birthday cake. I am wondering if the cake represents something- but I am not sure what.

Interesting write, and will watch to see what you add to it.
I hope your day is not as busy as you anticipate, everyone likes an easy Friday.

Easy Fridays for everyone! Yes!

[Danté]

Thanks Paisley, it's a kind of close your eyes and make a wish sort of thing, I hoped line 13 of the original draft might resolve the opening passage.
I'm not going to spell out the entire poem as that would weaken the effect I'm working for as I gently revise the draft.
There are two things going on based on how the result of breathing out is directed, one item forms, the other is extinguished.
Their departure from the poem is within the same moment, smoke from departed flames, the bubble bursts.

I've added a few more lines and put a couple of additional words in which ought make it fairly obvious.
Having the additional undertones probably made it more confusing, but I want it to be a little unnerving.

Yes finished work earlier than anticipated, always a bonus.

Thank you

Tim

[Lovely]

Pleae open these eyes asleep............dead as doornails to matter..

[Danté]

that's actually a pretty deep thought there Dave, mmm thanks for the mind fodder.

all the best

Danté

[nar]

Nice to read you again, Danté.

'tis unnerving. She turns... stops... staring... blows. This seems like an important moment.

You've kept the flames/riders/slide in the rewrite.

I'm getting a death/near-death (drowning?, no, possibly not) experience and flashing memories of a birthday.

Thanks for the read.

- Neil

[Lovely]

push me water...beutiful...........straddle my heart ...

A nice piece of work here, shows a depth!

Please close those eyes to know the realms of muse await you Dante above.

Flood these tears it is true about things above and below. You belong with us
though


enjoyed this piece

[clarabow]

I like the way you have captured a moment. Not sure who the she is. I think the first line, which runs on, might work better if the placement of spent was on the next line -


Close your eyes

She breathes out,
spent air from her lungs
pushing against soapy water

stretching tension of its surface - may be 'to' rather than 'of' ?
in every direction.

A single bubble rises,
rolling iridescent colours. - may be rolls ?

She turns,

breathes in, stops…
exhales, staring at her name,
blows hard.

Flames hang on like riders, - this line worked for the image
mats on a twisted slide. - but not this

There is smoke,
rounded reflections burst.

The cake looks more shocked,

more shocked by the blow
than the knife.

the direction at the end takes on the physical reality as opposed to the rather fairy like quality of blowing bubbles and the knife seems slightly sinister, which in a way of course it is (in the wrong hands) but we know we are safe as blowing out the candles is where the tension is.

[John G]

A pregnanat woman in the bath? A water birth?

Hazy round the edges this one, but aas Nash said, somehting sinister lurking in the depths.

Like the end, the cake and the knife, but have no idea how it links to the rest of the poem but thats part of the appeal

[Danté]

Thanks Neil, I appreciate your thoughts on the bits which are clear and those which are not, good to see you hanging up your poetry again.

Clara, you certainly seem to be able to unpick my slightly vague sets of images and arrive with a good degree of accuracy at an understanding.

The She is a young girl, who is blowing a bubble or two whilst waiting for the candles on her birthday cake to be lit. I didn't want to go all cliché with the bubble blowing, and may have overstepped my fuelling the poem with the tension around a bubble's fragility, merged with the transition of flames on her cake as the candles are left smoking, having been blown out, and as you have rightly said, there is a tension in that action in respect of blowing them all out at once.

Your comments re: imagery in the line you suggested is not working is an area I'll rework as I pondered if a helter skelter, might be a bit tired on the strength of it coming to my mind with ease. The candles are those twisty looking ones, the mats are dribbling wax with the flames trying to hang on to them as they are blown out.
I'll try and improve or replace that line, when I find a better alternative, any suggestions form any direction would be appreciated.

"rolls" seems worth exploring in the redraft, I'm wondering if "rolls its" might also work, as I'm a bit pedantic out not having lines become too similar in length as they appear on the page, and it would keep the syllable count the same as the original line. The opening line break, suggestion is actually where I would have instinctively placed it, and the current positioning is perhaps helping to confuse some readers, as it's current placement is quite powerful in alluding to more than it need do.

I get a bit tired of writing easy read, and enjoy trying to use this wonderful language to see what I can deliver, using juxtapositions of seemingly innocent situations and how word placements and choice can effect the impact upon a reader as I try to pull the deeper aspects of those situations from their hidey holes.
I wouldn't say I'm anywhere near mastering it yet, but it is stretching me as a writer. Thank you.

John,
its a young girl playing bubbles then blowing out the candles on her cake, having closed her eyes and made a wish, with some added e numbers to liven it up.
Young children can display all kinds of qualities when in a party situation and can feel left out when another child is the centre of attention, that child might also be rather protective of her few minutes under the spotlight, and children have such honest outlooks until the so called wise old farts dampen those aspects of their characters.
And then there is the cake, with its prominent role, cut and consumed, delivering a sugary top up to proceedings.

I'm kind of hoping I can tune it up a bit without losing all of that appeal you mentioned.

Thanks again, Dave.

Many thanks

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

I loved this bit:

'The cake looks more shocked,

more shocked by the blow
than the knife.'

My favourite part!

I was a bit confused on first reading though, as I thought the beginning was about swimming so the first and last bit didn't seem to match together at all. Now upon reading the comments I get it about the bubble blowing. Speaking as a 'normal' person (ha!) - in other words, not a poetry buff but someone who is (relatively) educated and literate and appreciates some pieces of poetry - I think most people like me would not get this either unless its explained to them. Should good modern poetry need such explanation before most readers get it? However, methinks if you explain a little more about the bubble blowing, paint more of a picture as to what it is so we luddites are more with you while we read, then this will work much better - for us anyway The bit after the bubble blowing is brilliantly painted and it is clear there as to what you mean.

[Danté]

Sophie,

I appreciate your point in respect of my bare bones approach, which in conjunction with juxtapositions is a little something I've been experimenting with of late.
I've experimented with a whole variety of styles and forms and have decided to try something a little different to enable me to add a couple of additional tools to my box.

As well as stretching myself I like to challenge my readers, but not to the point of mission impossible so all feedback is valuable in helping me adjust the style until it hits home.

I thought this was about to tumble into the abyss but I'll take another look and see if I can tune it a little more, if you stick around you'll find that a straightforward approach is something I find rather tedious and tend to avoid

thank you

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

I think it is definitely worth saving. Like I said before, I thought the latter part re the candles is great. It's far from straightforward/tedious, and in my opinion it leaves one having to figure it out just the right amount to be exciting and rewarding without feeling lost/ irked and suffering from brain-ache.

[Lovely]

Dear Dante,

I feel your mood "close your eyes" it moves me as I said before.


Can you close those eyes though for me? What you say? What?

I am only asking mind, never thought you could come to me why?

Dave me by the way, I really liked the revamp near in Soul
....I miss love so much can we return these tables and touch
another me?

Dave

[arunansu]

Tim, I liked the read, though I stumbled on: "The cake looks more shocked". Pardon me, but this sticks out, can't tell you why! The rest is beauty. You captured the moment brilliantly. Enjoyed. Smiles.

[Lovely]

Dante smiles. You a nice man.