The Idiot

[Suzanne]

The Idiot

He could have left flowers, 
reds mixed with baby's breath 
or forget-me-knots, 
it would have been 
fair. I imagined, one morning,
he'd leave me the memory 
of a coupled sunset;
pastel corals wrapped 
in soft bellied clouds, hills- 
velvet-felted, muted greens. 
It wouldn't have been 
unappreciated.

And just this morning, 
I anticipated his cologne, 
haunting my room 
as I prepared for work-

but he didn't leave a scent
of invitation. Instead 
next to his breakfast dishes,
cigarette ash floated
in a half empty beer glass
and on a the back of a receipt,
above his signature
was a note for toilet paper,
a tank of gas and did I know,
the beer drawer was empty?





.
original last stanza:

on the kitchen counter,
I found cigarette ashes
in a half empty beer glass
and a note scribbled
on a drugstore receipt
telling me to get toilet paper
when I put gas in the car
and did I know, the beer drawer
was empty?

[JohnLott]

Ho! Ho! - after the courting comes reality!

Beer swilling, Nicotine killing, McDonalds' filling, Football thrilling, Karaoke trilling, Mates milling, Testosterone willing.

This Hunk is Sunk.

History too,
Like the paper,
Flush him down the Loo

On the other, more measured hand - with the fears, comes the tears.



J.

[oggiesnr]

Not sure that the title is totally appropriate however ...

... the only other thing I'm not sure of is the line lengths. I know I tend to use short lines (usually for short verses) but here it seems forced, like the splitting of stanzas 2&3 which could easily be one. Otherthan that I like it.

Steve

[TDF]

I'm not a fan of man-bashing, it gets dry quickly for me. But the 'poetry' pulls this through. Initially I thought S1 was perhaps a little flowery, but the context of the rest gives it a rose-tint, so the style can stand appropriately.

I agree somewhat with oggiesnr about the line lengths, but only in places. I'm not sure about the S2/S3 break, but I love the S3/S4 break... so it's a mixed bag nit.

I spose the real question is who is the idiot...

Tom

[Suzanne]

Thanks John.
Steve and Tom thank you, too.

I'm certainly not a male basher. Quite the opposite, you will find. This is about expectations, and just the facts were stated, no bashing.

I will rethink the line breaks. That surprised me. I'll look again.

The title, yes, Tom, well caught....
who is it referring to? That is the poem's message.


Warmly,
Suzanne

[brianedwards]

How would this read if you removed the I? Might open things up a little.

B.

[Suzanne]

The Idiot

He could have left flowers,
reds mixed with baby's breath
or forget-me-knots,
it would have been
fair. Or he may have left
the memory of a coupled sunset;
pastel corals wrapped
in soft bellied clouds, hills-
velvet-felted, muted greens.
It wouldn't have been
unappreciated.

And just this morning,
his cologne was anticipated
haunting the bedroom
after he'd left for work-

but he didn't
leave a scented trail
of sweetness. Instead

on the counter in the kitchen
there's cigarette ashes
in a half empty beer glass
and a note scribbled
on a drugstore receipt
requesting toilet paper,
a full gas tank and did I know,
the beer drawer was empty?



?

[brianedwards]

Worth playing around with. I'm thinking the telling maybe gets in the way at the end. As a pay off I'm not sure the current list is pulling its weight, language-wise

[Suzanne]

I will take some time and think about this. Thank B.
Suzanne

[brianedwards]

I think Tom made a good point about "man-bashing". Not saying that's what the poem does, but wondered how the poem might change if you removed the accuser and offered simply a portrait of the man. Might lose some of the ambiguity of the title of course, but maybe too much is riding on that at present anyway?
The "I" comes across as a little whiny, to me anyway, beastly misogynist that I am!

Just throwing thoughts out as they occur.

[brianedwards]

Oh, cross post and you edited! The above is a response to the question you retracted.

[Suzanne]

Here is the question reposted. Sorry, you were quick.

"No sarcasm here. Honest question.

Why take out the I?"

I retracted it as i thought i should ponder before asking.

I have been moving away from the self center I used to stand in but how close to a generic voice I want to step is still unknown.

Not that this "I" is me, lol, this is not an autobiographical poem but an observation. I was speaking of the poetic "I" which I, Suzanne, enjoy using.

The poem is not male bashing at all. I wanted to say again. But I can see how it could be percieved as such.

The ambiguity of the title, I like. She is the Idiot but he is the Idiot. Neither are Idiots, they both are. It is just life.
I think the reader brings thier own interpreation to the poem. Some would see him as the idiot based on thier own experiences, some see her as the idiot.

Thanks, B.
Suzanne

[brianedwards]

Yeah, that comes through clear Suzanne. Too clear maybe, is my point.

[Suzanne]

Yes, I understand that
but maybe you'll come around to my side.... eventually.
Lol.

[BenJohnson]

How about a softer title like 'A portrait of masculinity' or some thing similar?

but he didn't
leave a scented trail
of sweetness.

This feels a bit redundant as it has been said quite clearly already and could be dropped, moving 'instead' to just after work and reducing this down to two fairly even stanzas. The last stanza feels quite empty compared to the rest and I wonder if it would lighten the read if it was portrayed more as a parody of the first stanza.

E.g.

Instead I found a glass on the kitchen counter
quarter full with a small flotilla
of fag ashes bobbing on a sea of beer.

Not saying you should do any of these things, just a little food for thought.

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Ben, it is always nice to hear your views.

A softer title, eh? Implying too hard on the male?
This is not going well for me. Lol.

As I have it now, I wonder if female readers see her as the idiot
and male readers see the poem as male bashing - calling him the idiot.
The writer, while writing it, saw the female as having the problem and the male mostly innocent.
Shorty after picking the title, I saw that it could be interpreted two ways, and thought it was a good thing. Is it?

About the stanzas and such, I will have time to look at your suggestions thoughtfully later today.


Overall... (not directed anyone specific)
I love the challenges of this poetry business.
I should neither be telly or ambiguous, too descriptive or lacking imagery...
It is hard. But what fun I am having learning how to navigate this craft.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Elphin]

Hello Suzanne,

This is a quick note - i think the problem is that the ending of the poem is signposted by the opening

he could have

so we know he didnt and therefore everything in between becomes predictable.

I have liked where your writing has been heading recently but this one is a dip in a form

sorry

elph

[Suzanne]

lol!





thanks Elph.
Suzanne (with a smile)

[brianedwards]

This is a quick note - i think the problem is that the ending of the poem is signposted by the opening

he could have

so we know he didnt and therefore everything in between becomes predictable.

Yes, fair point Derek, but it would be less of an issue if the language was more interesting. That for me is the bigger problem: the conceit overwhelms its expression.

[Suzanne]

ok

[TDF]

This is not going well for me. Lol.

Well something tells me you are sexually outnumbered here, so to speak!

I'm sure this would be lapped up by some of the women I know as gospel

Tom

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Tom. ( i think i need to be quiet now as I tend to dig myself in a hole.)

I changed the title and added some more expression to the last stanza as per B. and Ben.


Warmly,
Suzanne

[JohnLott]

Hi Suzanne

1st, 2nd version 3rd S is good, much better words flowing.

Therefore I think the poem is now heading upwards.

2nd, Ignore the whimpish screams of 'man bashing'. They think omnipotence, they behave omnipotence. Why else would they leave the Lavatory seat up - and train their women to do the same?.



J.

PS.
(my grief will come sometime from somewhere)

[Arian]

One of the best I've seen from you, I think, Suzanne. Rhythmically smooth, narratively pointed. Walks a nice line between explicit and implicit. The ending has a nice sense of drift about it, without leaving the reader completely unanchored.

Image wise, I especially admired soft bellied clouds. Excellent.

The new s3 is a step back for me, stilted and forced compared with the original friction-free cross-stanza rhythm. And the new title? I'll confine myself to the remark that...well, no, I won't. I'll say nothing. Except that it's a shame, that's all.

Cheers
peter

[Suzanne]

Wow! Thank you Peter.

Wow!!!! Thanks!
A compliment from you sends me soaring! I think I will change the title back to The Idiot. It is a pleasure hearing from you always.

Warmly,
Suzanne