The Better Half

[terriblefish]

He pawned me his lips,
as he fawned from his eyes;
then he lent me his hips
hands and heart
to resize-

the hips had no go,
and the heart was too fatty;
the eyes were two liars,
the lips were too chatty -

I learned of ex-girlfriends,
their names, shames and crimes;
and pondered his blunders with
most paradigms.

So, I took him to pieces,
Said I'll do what I can.

But really, you can't fix
the prick that is man.

tf

[David]

Ouch. And excellent.

Paradigms, though? Really? That's the only weak spot in the poem, I think. (Unless you'd like to explain how I've completely misunderstood that bit.)

Cheers

David

[terriblefish]

Hey, David!
Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, this is my first poetry post, bar the odd haiku!

The word paradigm is used to illustrate how useless men can be with some social and emotional expectations women have, for example, don't mention the ex! Let alone all 5 of them, har har!
Their blunders with the typical do's and don't of dating.
(sorry guys)

Cheers!


tf

[courage my boy]

This has a whimsical tone and its quite playful.

So, I took him to pieces,
Said I'll do what I can.

I think this line is very good and serves to end the poem well with a slightly more optimistic view of men!

Well done!

[ray miller]

Ouch! indeed. It's good, though. Maybe "pondered his blunders against all paradigms" might work better. And "fawned with his eyes"? Catty rhymes with fatty, too.

[terriblefish]

Thank you, courage my boy and ray miller!
Though, Ray, sir, the line was 'fawned from his eyes', as I hoped to play off the dual meaning of 'fawn' in verb and noun (baby deer, big, soppy deer eyes, I 'verbed the noun', so to speak). I also wanted the aliteration with the f. I must admit, I did like your suggestion with 'against', though I would be tempted to drop the 'all', just me. Thanks again for the insight though, I'm going to play around with that one in the old moleskine
You are right, too, Ray, catty is a great adjective, and one I didn't consider, but that may be because of the feminine feel it has to it. This was a MAN MAN, and he wasn't at all catty, he was bloomin' awful ha ha ha! Got an angel now,so, c'est la vie!

Cheers everybody.

tf

[lo-lee-ta]

Hellloooo

This is hilarious, I really like the humor and imagery throughout. It makes me think of Pinocchio but instead, taking an ordinary boy, pulling him apart like a faulty doll and building a perfect one from scratch!
Georgie

[brianedwards]

I like the idea of trying to "fix" a lover, and the futility of trying due to the inevitable baggage of the past. I also like the bounciness of the rhythm and how it creates a quite sinister vibe in this context.
However, I don't think the idea has been exploited enough and the poem relies on quite base images and over-simplistic rhymes: "pawned/fawned" "lies/eyes" (twice) "fatty/chatty".
"paradigms" stands out as it is at odds with the voice in the rest of the poem. The syntax also reads as somewhat convoluted.
The shift from one specific character to all men in the last line is misjudged I think. The strength of a poem most often lies in its treatment of specifics that nudge universal themes or "truths". The last statement, although probably intended as "fun", leaves this reader feeling wholly unsympathetic towards the speaker of the poem.

All that said, the poem does show some good control of language and a certain confidence with rhyme and rhythm. I look forward to reading more of your work.

B.

[Richardthelionheart]

Well if this be your first, I can't wait for the rest! - So common, so bitchy, so fine! - One crit if I may, why is 'to resize' on a line of it's own? And why is the last stanza split in two? - Just scratching, 'cos I enjoyed very much. Thanks for sharing. Lionheart.

[Suzanne]

This was a fun one. Very playful. It has an underlying tone of singing, a campfire song, perhaps? Lol.
Thanks, I smiled.
Suzanne

[BenJohnson]

Well read and re-read, part of me wants to not like this with the sweeping generalisation in the closing lines

But really, you can't fix
the prick that is man.

Not because I'm a man, but because this would be picked up the other way round. It is un-PC, however it made me laugh when reading it and I really can't not like it as a result. I did try to play with the wording to make it less general, but all efforts weakened the result.

The line "the hips had no go," confused me slightly as I was expecting 'to go' instead since you were doing the resizing of them.

I like the fresh take on 'you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear'.

[gavin]

This is a good poem the sport of two people in the climate of autumn,

Why not make the poem flow by giving him a tyre-leaver across the shoulders,

[terriblefish]

Thank you everybody for your kind and encouraging comments on my first post! Would have posted this reply ages ago but have been sans laptop!

Brianedwards, I was taken by your insight. I became so lost in making the poem sound hopeless,that the fact the end result had quite a sinister feel had completely escapd me! Thank you for adding a new dimension to my own work for me. The universal theme, more so than truth,lies in the apathy.
You aren't meant to sympathise with me - I am as hopeless as the man! I am arrogant enough to think that not only does he need fixed, but that I am the woman for the job,but I can't fix him, despite purporting to try! It feels like the man offers himself for the fixing,which is a gender parallel I wanted to tease - men don't really ask women to fix things in the sense I am suggesting in the poem. Lo-lee-ta got that beautifully with her pinnochio allusion, let's not forget the blue fairy! Thanks for that, Lo!
Suzanne, Richardthelionheart, thank you respectivlly for your chipper take on the poem!

Last but certainly not least, Mr Johnson it has been a personal crusade of hope that this poem would be received well, though I had my reservations on whether I had the minerals to impress the die-hards!
PpI love reading how you have played with wording of other poems and you offer excellent suggestions , so imagine my glee when I read that 'any effort weakened the result' ,and I darent rephrase that ha ha! Truly chuffed with that, B.J! I am very un PC as you will see. The hips having 'no go' is as tongue in cheek as I could possibly be without using the word gyrate or without making any references to sex whatsoever - maybe I was being PC after all!!
Anyway thanks to all, more to come!

A very long winded
tf

[Arian]

I'm a bit late to this, and I haven't read the thread, so sorry if I repeat the comments of others.

The top line is that I like it - well expressed, pithy and imaginative. Good rhythm, too.

I particularly like:

I learned of ex-girlfriends,
their names, shames and crimes;
and pondered his blunders with

...that's great. But what's the paradigms thing all about? Seems to me you've just chosen a word becasue it rhymes, not because it makes any kind of sense.

Still, a nice introductory piece with real promise. Look forward to more.
peter

[BenJohnson]

Glad to see you back tf, hope the laptop problems are sorted now.

[terriblefish]

Thank you,Peter! It really amuses me how much folk have struggled with the paradigm! So many opportunities for puns n' the like I am having a meltdown.
I felf it was a clumsy line at the time I wrote it, but I was pleased with it for those reasons. The line 'pondered his blunders with most paradigms' was constructed to be a clumsy line,in the mouth and the mind - it seems to have worked!
I would be lying if I said 'crimes' was chosen just to fit the scheme too,genuine first and final choices - perhaps an opportunity here to be more daring in this area;thanks Peter!
Paradigms is a great word imho, and its scientific connotations were intended to embelish on the left brain attitude I not only have toward the man himself, but also my attitude toward the project of fixing him, a task that is quickly written off as useless :it can't be done,if not by me,not ever.
Very feminine or maybe feminist undertones, I am not sure I want to explore that tangent,so with respect lads that could be the wall we seem to have hit with this one... I think the poem has a masculine kind of energy,ironically. Am I over analysing?

Thank you, Arian, for your comments! Glad to see the paradigm verse tickled you!

Cheers, Ben, nice to be back. The laptop is still out of action so I am persevering with a mobile phone. My earlier post here took an hour to compose lol!

[TDF]

Hi tf,

After my reply to Suzanne's poem about 'men' last week, I half expected to find myself writing a similar reply about the mundanity of man-bashing, but I couldn't help but enjoy the flow and the 'write' here. It's just fun to read.

That said, I agree with previous comments made about the generalisation of the last line, I think it should have stuck with it's context specifically.

What would have really made this work for me, with regards to ending, is something a little more self-deprecating. Perhaps an admittance that men aren't the only problem in this equation, or that perhaps women are so messed up themselves they're never gonna sort out messed-up men too...

Enjoyed this though.
Tom

[terriblefish]

Hey, Tom!
Thanks dude, your comments are refreshing! You've absolutely nailed it - we can't fix the juxta-gender, but we're damn dumb and arrogant enough to try!
The end could use developing, I agree, but I liked the abruptness of it all

Will check out Suzanne's poem of a similar theme as I have very much enjoyed her work in the past! Your own ? Well. I have a feeling I'll like it

Thanks again,

tf

[JohnLott]

Hi TF

Last two lines seem unfinished in that they are like the punch line in a joke.

BUT:
(always a but)

If you honestly feel you can't do much for the prick
why didn't you (honestly) say you couldn't do anything for him in previous S4?

But I agree with you in that there are some pretty dubious things sliding out of the mud.



J.

[terriblefish]

Said I'd do what I can, J

Some of these ladies just aren't for turning.. te he!

Cheers

tf

[littlemousie]

Hi
I really enjoyed reading your poem, I think it's very funny, I laughed on my own!
I love :
So, I took him to pieces,
Said I'll do what I can.

Good rhythm as well

Looking forward seeing more

Georgie

[Arian]

Thank you, Arian, for your comments! Glad to see the paradigm verse tickled you!

Tickle me? Err...no. Not quite. I think you be labouring under a tiny misunderstanding. Probably, I expressed myself badly. If so, I'll try and correct it now. It didn't "tickle me" at all. Not one iota. Indeed, I thought it was bad poetry. Capital letters. Sorry.

You say

I felf it was a clumsy line at the time I wrote it, but I was pleased with it for those reasons

But you're simply invoking that age-old, and horribly transparent, excuse "Well, you think it's bad, but it's not really, because I MEANT it that way."

Oh, come on! It doesn't wash. We (or some of us) weren't born yesterday. It's a bad line and you know it. Or, if you don't, you should. Or could. You're clearly not daft.

I'm only being so blunt because you obviously have some ability with words, and it would be a pity to see you disappear down the drain of your own rationalisations. It was an error in an otherwise pretty good effort. Just face up to it, and move on.

Cheers
peter

PS do you have a real name? Perhaps not. Or are you worried that in saying that you're a Michelle or a John or something, we'll somehow be able to track you down and stalk you? For god's sake just tell us. Stop being so bloody childish.

[terriblefish]

Of course you are entitled to your opinion,Peter. However you are too hung up on your own idea that I selected the word only to work it into some kind of form - not true. I chose it at the time, was happy with it at the time, for reasons stated and if that makes me a bad poet here,so be it - but I am not dis-honest with you people. Like many here I am learning. I post here for friendly, constructive criticism...

But you're simply invoking that age-old, and horribly transparent, excuse "Well, you think it's bad, but it's not really, because I MEANT it that way."

I respectfully disagree.. I also feeĺ you have been unnecessarily personal - surely it is my choice to reveal my true identity? I have only chosen to use my screen name because it is easier for me. I am insulted by your attitude - 'we all share our names so you should too,by not doing so you're childish' - please, Peter. I came to share my poetry, not justify my existence or how I go about it.

No I won't lie to agree with you, Peter. I stand by my reasons. If I ever decide not to frequent this site it will not be because I have 'disappeared down the drain of my own rationalisations' - it will be because I am not receiving the gentle, constructive feedback I sought.
Perhaps with that in mind you should assess your own reasons for coming here.

For god's sake just tell us. Stop being so bloody childish.

Nobody expects the inquisition. I am sure god won't mind if I remain

tf

for now. When I feel comfortable to share my name I will,thank you Peter. It doesn't appear tò be a problem for the other members.

[terriblefish]

Out of interest, Arian - where could one peruse your own poetry? I cannot seem to locate anything recent...anywhere. Shocking.

tf

[Arian]

I post here for friendly, constructive criticism...

That's fine. I may not have been friendly, but I was constructive. I told you what I liked (which was most of it), and why. And what I didn't and why. You chose to construe my negative comment as a positive - and I put you right. You now think I'm being unfair.

That's OK. we often have people who only want to hear positives about their work, and are deaf to any kind of criticism. You seem to be one of them. You seem to want "friendly" before "rational". You'll get plenty of people who give you friendly platitudes, without being constructive, and if that's helpful to you, great - go with it. Let them massage your ego. I won't be one of them in future. You can clearly do without my input. Fine with me. Was just trying to help.

I'm perfectly happy to be seen as "shocking" - especially by people like you. You should take crits on their merit, not becasue they come from a "poster" or not.

peter