No Excuses

[Steve]

We are awakened to danger,
At the mercy of strangers,
Who hate us for our freedoms,
Who will kill us without reason

So excuse us if we tap your phone,
Excuse us when we bug your home,
Please excuse the martial law -
Don't you drones know we're at war?

[Bombadil]

Not sure if you're being cynical or serious, here. Maybe work on the tone just a bit. Hopefully cynical, else the poem is robbed of its impetus.


Cheers,

Keith

[Ray Trivedi]

I beg to differ Bomb. I don't it's cynical to write about the truth of a police state.

[Bombadil]

Two questions then:

Which nation is Steve speaking of

and

Where does he, at present, reside?

[Ray Trivedi]

Well, his location is given as Wales, UK. UK is a police state, as far as am concerned.

Which country is it about? Well, your guess is as good as mine. Why don't we ask him?

[Bombadil]

I was asking him.

[cameron]

Hi Steve,

I haven't commented on any of your poems yet - so here goes.

I'm afraid this didn't float my boat. The first verse is full of abstract terms: "danger" "strangers" "freedoms" "reason" "hate" "mercy" and therefore it felt like you were telling me rather than showing me. The second verse was more specific and therefore more interesting (to me).

Personally, I think you need to home in on more particular examples to highlight what you're saying about the state of the nation; otherwise it all sounds like a bit of a rant. The rhyme scheme also seems to constrict it.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

Cheers
Cam

[Saul]

Have to agree with Cam. It lacks a bit of focus and aim. I'd say think about subject matter, try and direct your feelings more precisely. Also for something that is an attack on/critique of our society I think it should have a bit more edge.
It actually reminds me of Rage Against the Machines lyrics, strangely, take that how you will.

[Steve]

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments

The first stanza contains sentences from George Bush's keynote speech, after September 11th.

Lines 1 & 2 in stanza two refer to the domestic surveillance furore taking place in the USA right now.

The POV is deliberately confused/confusing in this poem (the use of the word 'we' particularly) so that one has to guess who the prospective enemy is & who are the participants/targets in this war...

All told though, it's a poor poem, and needs extending. Or deleting

[Bombadil]

Yeh. I thought it was about our country...

I reserve further judgment.

[barrie]

I'm not sure that this forum is the right place for poems with a political message. We could be drawn into a maelstrom of conflicting opinions which would detract from the purpose of the site. We seem to be in a time where people on all sides are getting edgy, and looking to their governments for protection. The fear, which I believe to be deliberately induced, is still real, and with this orchestrated overreaction to the Mohamed cartoons, things are becoming even more tense - Opinions, I'm afraid, seem to be marching to the right.
Besides, the wire tapping thing, is an American concern - they haven't publicly admitted to it over here yet. They'll probably keep it 'secret'.

I'm sure that the correct target audience would relish it; I just don't think it's here - I may be wrong.

cheers

[Ray Trivedi]

You sound upset Bomb. You should rest assured your country is doing its best to keep you safe. Every household must be monitored for their own protection. Terrorists can strike any minute, and when they do, cameras can pick out when and how it happened, and possibly, who did it.

[Steve]

Yep, maybe you're right, Barrie. It was a bit stupid of me to post it, actually. Sorry to any American people who may be offended by it.

[Bombadil]

hence my reservation. this is a place for art and craft not postulating and proselytizing.


maybe something to be taken up in the Any Other section...but hey.

[pseud]

After let in on the fact that the first stanza was derived from George Bush I can appreciate this poem a bit more. But who knows that initially without being told? I'm afraid this doesn't work for me, Steve.

I have no problem with Political poems as long as they have some kind of merit. Same goes with religious poems. As long as the poet understands that we're going to comment on technique rather than content, all should be okay.

Steve no apology necessary.

[Ray Trivedi]

barrie, no offence, but you sound a bit scared of something.

Understandably, this post is political but its being discussed by mature adults, and, to help the poster, we can't adopt a puerile attitude to politics, regardless of where it's happening.

What we must be mindful of is generalising (unless that's done in jest).

[Bombadil]

I'm not particularly upset, I feel as safe now in my home and about my business as ever I have. My miffed tone stems purely from a sort of Nationalist pride. I tend to this belief (and I mean no offense to Steve): if you are not a citizen, you have no place criticizing. I have said the same thing with regard to America's tendency to meddle in affairs in which they have no place nor part (save perhaps fiduciary gain).

Anywho. Oh and just for fun, let the terrorist come. I do not fear suffering or death--especially when so threatened by cowards.

Cheers,

Keith

[Steve]

Thank you all for the mature response. But the sad fact remains...this poem is awful

[Ray Trivedi]

Bomb. what you are saying verges on mutual apathy. You are entitled to disagree with me on this but I'm not quite sure if the world works like that anymore. I don't think the US agenda in the Middle East is as simplistic as fiduciary. My friend Sarl, who travels back and forth from Israel, tells me it's not just that.

[Bombadil]

I never made a specific reference to any country or event. As usual Ray, you are too quick on the draw.

[Ray Trivedi]

I never made a specific reference to any country or event. As usual Ray, you are too quick on the draw.

I can see that Bomb. and I said something that was prompted by what might be implied in what you said.

Personally, I don't care who is based in what country, as people, if we can't talk calmly on this board, we might not be able to do it in person. That's all.

peace and love.

[barrie]

Ray

Scared of what? I could discuss politics for hours (which I often do) - My point was that this is a poetry forum, not a political one.

I've done too much and seen too much for me to be scared, besides, I'm too old.

[Ray Trivedi]

I understand barrie, but poetry devoid of politics is what?

[barrie]

An improvement.

[Steve]

Well in my view, brilliant 'political' poetry like Dulce Et Decorum Est has a place on this forum, whereas my poetry has no place here