Umbrella

[anaisnais]

There she stands
Centre stage for all to see
Tall and slender
Precariously she balances.

I reach out for her
Draw her to me
My hand skims her body
Slowly reaches her skirt.

Playful fingers find hidden areas
Delighted her legs spring forth
Displaying the very beauty
Of her delicately placed, adorned skirt.

Gaily she dances around
Dizzily twisting and turning
In the brightness of day shading
She gently tends to my needs.

Personal ballerina takes to toes leaping
Merrily bobbing up and down
As emotional to her performance
Clouds cry a thousand tears for her.

Reaching our destination
Slightly shaken, she leans
Watches me,
Quietly drips, against the wall.

Reminiscent of the day’s fulfillment
We acknowledge one another, silently
Restful knowing we shall be
One, once more.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Anais,

In a word: delightfull.
Well done.
I have no crits.
I admire the way you walk the edges of the simulacra. Very playful.

Kimdest,
Richard.

[anaisnais]

Hey there Richard, thanks for your thoughts - i need to know if I am pitching things right or not to move forwards... glad you liked it - and you just educated me with a new word - so thankyou again! Good to hear your view and start to get to know people on here... Hope to be seeing you around? Smiles.

[brianedwards]

Nice piece. These extended conceits are hard to pull off, so kudos for this effort.
It's a little strained at times, occasionally borders on the weird with the N's fetishization of his/her subject. Take a look at S2-4. I think you could remove all the sensual allusions and be more impactful with economy. Also, I don't buy the emotional clouds crying at the beauty of her performance - the poem tips into the realms of the absurd there and thus breaks the flow of the piece.

Much promise here though, I look forward to reading more.

B.

[anaisnais]

Food for thought there Brian, this poem ended up with more takes on it than I ever could have imagined - the more I/others read, the more I see... I think I got to the point where I am frightened to take away from it after all the show and tell sessions I have been through! This is a poem I wrote a while back that I know still needs work - just been waiting for the right people to come along and help me find my way... Considering taking some courses... not sure where I level at though... Thanks for coming by with an honest and interesting critique... Much appreciated! Kindest thoughts...

[NorwichPoet]

Hi there,

I love this - when looking through the titles the simple "Umbrella" made me read. I love the analogies, though agree with an earlier comment that a little too sensuous for me in places. Love the humour and can clearly see the umbrella bobbing a long the street, fab!

Norwich Poet

[Lake]

Yes, I second that - a delightful, lovely read. The only small nit from me is that there are a bit too many -ly words in the piece, there's at least one in each stanza which draws too much attention from the flow. Maybe that's your intention.

Thanks for the read.

Lake

[Antcliff]

Hi
Missed this...let me join the chorus in cheers. Delightful.
Ant.