symphony

[artr]

silence
the sun coats the green fields of spring with golden warmth
silence
the low hum of a car, melodies of bird song
the washing machine washing dirt off the past
trees starved by winter stretch to catch a ray of sun
a cup of tea steams lightly, disturbing the fine air
lumps of clothes, dishes of solitary meals lie in the brightly lit room
faint smell of cigarettes smoked too far
silence
except for the marching drums of the sun,
the gentle violin cascades of blooming aconites
and the clarinet whispering of a creek passing by -
the symphony of spring has begun

hello guys, i'm new here and fairly new to poetry, here's a poem i wrote on a great sunny day

[brianedwards]

Hi

Thanks for posting. Please check out the forum rules about posting ratios etc. I personally think it's bullshit, but most people round here value such things, so probably worth you complying, if only to avoid the wrath of our resident ball breakers.

B.

[Macavity]

Welcome to the forum. I didn't know what aconites were so that was a nice colour surprise.

cheers

mac

[Arian]

Well, if you're new to it, I'd say it shows considerable promise.

The first half is perhaps a little too reliant on cliche, while the second half - in contrast - uses images so left-field that they hardly seem credible, but you nonetheless evoke a nice sense of a lazy sunny day. There's a lot of strength in the structure and the pacing, it's just the language that needs a bit of tuning. I liked:

faint smell of cigarettes smoked too far

cheers
peter

[artr]

Well, if you're new to it, I'd say it shows considerable promise.

The first half is perhaps a little too reliant on cliche, while the second half - in contrast - uses images so left-field that they hardly seem credible, but you nonetheless evoke a nice sense of a lazy sunny day. There's a lot of strength in the structure and the pacing, it's just the language that needs a bit of tuning. I liked:

faint smell of cigarettes smoked too far

cheers
peter

yess, that was the kind of reply i was looking for - thank you! i agree with the cliche part, but would you care to elaborate on the language tuning?
best regards art

[Arian]

would you care to elaborate on the language tuning?
best regards art

Well, I'll try. But I suspect it's one of those things that defies easy, or any, explanation. That's why poetry isn't achievable by formula - it's a gut feel thing. And I may be wrong: you can bet that many would disagree with me. Anyhow, what I meant was...

First it'sworth noting that you can't free yourself from 'cliche' completely. No-one can. Language depends on familiarity, and if you unchain yourself completely from this familiarity, you'll also lose all meaning. You'll chuck the b. out with the b. The use of familar phrases is not just understandable, but necessary (I'd argue), if you're to convey any kind of meaningful message.

On the other hand, you can become too dependent on familiarity; the use of use too many dog-eared phrases may preserve meaning, but only at the cost of freshness and interest. In other words, at the cost of the poetry of the piece. Where the line lies between 'necessary use' and 'too much' is hard to define, and we'd all disagree on where it is. But I'd say you overstep the mark in the first half, which seems full of the green fields, golden warmths, low hums, melodies of bird song etc. As I say, a bit of that is fine, but they seem to come one after the other, with the overall effect of cliche. Basically, it's boring.

On the other hand, the second half has images such as the marching drums of the sun, the gentle violin cascades of blooming aconites and the the clarinet whispering of a creek. Now, a case could probably be made that all of these are fine. Fresh images full of impact. To me, though, they smack of a poet (commendably) trying to be original, but overworkingthe language. It's almost impossible (to my mind) to interpret the images in any meaningful way.

In short, you've got the right spirit - to make your point in a fresh and original way. You just need, in my view, to tune your language so that your images are (a) not overly familiar, but (b) not an apparently random conjunction of words.

All this may mean nothing, but I've done my best. Sorry if it's disjointed.

Cheers
peter

[artr]

thanks a lot for taking your time to write that post, it makes sense to me. as a musician, i am used to walking the line between originality/familiarity, consonance/dissonance when i write, never before consciously though
again, thank you for the answer

art

[brianedwards]

My thoughts on this are mostly aligned with Peter's (cliched opening, much more interesting ending) but I disagree slightly with what he said about those final lines. I actually like them very much. Granted "marching drums of the sun" is a bit of a stretch, but I quite liked the violins and the clarinets and admired the evocation of sound and image. Perhaps, and I might well be talking nonsense here, it's a question of movement? The movement of the rushing creek and the blossoming plants seem to fit the music used to describe them. Now, I know the sun does move, but for me, when I think of the sun on a spring day I see it just there, sitting static in the sky. The marching drums just don't marry well with this image. Maybe a long sustained trumpet blast . . .

I think that is probably the maddest thing I've written this year.

B.

[artr]

thanks a lot for the comment! i definitely follow you in your music/motion point. the sun/drum picture actually makes sense to me as well, i see drums and percussion instruments as a static thing in contrast violins and clarinets, which go up and down in pitch and thereby are dynamic in my eyes. i guess the marching drums reflect my feelings about the sun, which after a dark winter here in denmark are quite bombastic

best regards art

[brianedwards]

As a drummer I refute the idea that drums lack movement! Do an hour set and tell me what you think! And marching drums? Seriously? Static?

Okaaayy.......

B.

[artr]

As a drummer I refute the idea that drums lack movement! Do an hour set and tell me what you think! And marching drums? Seriously? Static?

Okaaayy.......

B.

haha i'm sorry man, that's not how i meant it, merely that drums have the same constant pitch and that string instruments have motion in the sense of the pitch going up and down. drums don't have the same linear sense of direction that a guitar or a violin has in my eyes at least. i certainly know from my own drummer that the act of playing drums doesn't lack movement though, hair all over the place and stuff