revision
Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
the seeded core browning in frosted light.
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original
Unbuttoning her coat beyond her blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
the seeded core browning in frosted light.
Pippin (revised)
Hi Mac, as a beginner I hesitate to comment on poems because sometimes it might sound gushy or cliche. And as a consequence not very constructive. But I do like this poem.
If I was flicking through a book and glancing quickly at poems it would grab my attention. On reading it fully it immediately conjures up a picture in my head, and I like that. Succinct and pretty.
There, I hope that wasn't too gushy Mac?
Deryn
If I was flicking through a book and glancing quickly at poems it would grab my attention. On reading it fully it immediately conjures up a picture in my head, and I like that. Succinct and pretty.
There, I hope that wasn't too gushy Mac?
Deryn
Go for it Deryn. I value all the comments! Knowing a poem is working for someone is fine in my book. There is no barrier, that I know of, commenting on the 'experienced' forum either. After all Ros, David, Seth etc take time to comment over here so it's nice to return the favour. Most times I simply state what I understand by the poem and what I like. All writers are grateful for a reader I reckon :0)
cheers
mac
cheers
mac
I actually read the 'russet red' as the colour of her coat the first time, not sure why, but I kind of like it that way now.
Not entirely sure of 'he seeded core browning in frosted light'.
I like the colouring, by 'seeded core', do you mean like 'gone to seed'?
Not entirely sure of 'he seeded core browning in frosted light'.
I like the colouring, by 'seeded core', do you mean like 'gone to seed'?
Thanks Y. The inference is intended to be sexual.Yesterday wrote:I actually read the 'russet red' as the colour of her coat the first time, not sure why, but I kind of like it that way now.
Not entirely sure of 'he seeded core browning in frosted light'.
I like the colouring, by 'seeded core', do you mean like 'gone to seed'?
cheers
mac
I can see what Yesterday means, mac - I tend to read the russet as referring to the coat as well, which would chime well with the skin of the apple, which we remove to get at the sweetness inside ... phew, is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?
She shivers in whispers is a lovely phrase.
It's a very sensuous and well-handled (oops, again) three lines. Like the way you get the name of two poets into the last line!
Cheers
David
P.S. It doesn't bother me, I am completely indifferent whether somebody posts in Beginners or Experienced, but you shouldn't be posting in Beginners, should you?
She shivers in whispers is a lovely phrase.
It's a very sensuous and well-handled (oops, again) three lines. Like the way you get the name of two poets into the last line!
Cheers
David
P.S. It doesn't bother me, I am completely indifferent whether somebody posts in Beginners or Experienced, but you shouldn't be posting in Beginners, should you?
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Hi Mac
I like the title and the multiple apple references.
It is quite dense and intense, but lots of fun.
I wonder if you can tinker with your pronouns and articles a little:
Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
a seeded core browning in frosted light.
You have clearly chosen strong breaks with your punctuation.
How do you think it reads with shorter pauses?
Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red, she shivers, in whispers;
a seeded core browning in frosted light.
golden and delicious!
og
I like the title and the multiple apple references.
It is quite dense and intense, but lots of fun.
I wonder if you can tinker with your pronouns and articles a little:
Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red. She shivers in whispers:
a seeded core browning in frosted light.
You have clearly chosen strong breaks with your punctuation.
How do you think it reads with shorter pauses?
Unbuttoning her coat beyond the blush
of russet red, she shivers, in whispers;
a seeded core browning in frosted light.
golden and delicious!
og
Don't tempt me KevI like to say that was intended David...but alas not. Interesting idea for a challenge?Like the way you get the name of two poets into the last line!
Perhaps the forum could re-named... beginners and overflow or beginners and others etc.
Some fresh paint to brighten a forum.
all the best
mac