The Fourth Pint (v2)

[Antcliff]

v2

The next is always the last--
your mouth as wide
as a basking shark's.

And in the morning:
beached on the sofa,
speared by your wife's harpoon.



v1

There's no excuse.
Really, there's no excuse for a third,
but it's easy to think so:
you've only had two

and after three,
the next is always the last--
your mouth as wide
as a basking shark,
sucking it up like plankton blooms.

And in the morning:
beached on the sofa,
drained of oil, eyes crusty,
speared by your wife's harpoon.

[joe77evans]

I strongly empathise with the subject matter but if we're talking harpoons, oil and beachings, shouldn't it be a right whale or a bowhead whale rather than a whale shark in line 8?

[Antcliff]

Thanks Joe,

Ah. Interesting question...to which I think I know the answer. The basking shark was caught for oil with a harpoon in these here waters until quite recently (See "Hebridean Sharker" by Tex Geddes). They did eventually learn to get the oil out at sea and then drop the remains...but back in the days of Gavin Maxwell, the sharks were attached to the boat and taken to shore...and, well, put on the beach and the liver oil was taken there.

[k-j]

I think S2 line 5 could go, assuming we know what basking sharks eat.

Otherwise, good, especially S3, except that it feels like you haven't really tried at all with this... maybe that's a good thing? It's a slight poem.

I'd probably drop the first line also. Or make it the title.

[joe77evans]

Well, you learn something new every day! I had no idea that basking sharks had ever any value for fishing.

[Antcliff]

Thanks Joe..
yeh. I don't think it was ever a huge trade, but it was a goer for a while..
http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/1204263

Thanks K-J,

except that it feels like you haven't really tried at all with this... maybe that's a good thing? It's a slight poem.

Yeh, you are right. I seem to be writing quite a few sketches of poems at the mo..to be worked up a little in winter.

Seth

[Ros]

Yes, simple, but effective. Though not too sure about 'drained of oil' as a metaphor - I suppose 'well-oiled' is a common enough phrase, but it didn't immediately make me think of drink.

And many things do.

Ros

[brianedwards]

I think it could be even sparser Seth. The first 5 lines are unnecessary. Tinkering:



The next is always the last--
your mouth as wide
as a basking shark.

And in the morning:
beached on the sofa,
speared by your wife's harpoon.

Just offering that for you to consider.

B.

[champion]

Hello Seth.
An enjoyable read.

I don't agree with K-j's first suggestion of dropping line 5 in stanza 2, I think it describes perfectly how easily it becomes to sink a pint in increasing sized gulps after the epiglottis has been lubricated.
I do like the second suggestion of making the first line the title though. In doing so, it would get rid of what seems to me, a redundant 'excuse'

The final stanza is brilliant and had me imagining his steely eyed wife stood over him, poised like Captain Ahab on the prow of the sofa as the great white whale blubbered incoherently beneath her.

The basking shark fishery reference brought back a very nice memory for me of a trip to Elgol to take a short boat trip to Loch Coruisk quite a few years ago now, to climb Sgurr Alasdair in the Black Cuillin. The skipper of The Bella Jane told us a little about Maxwell and Camusfearna on the crossing, which inspired me to read Ring of Bright Water upon my return so thanks for that Seth, I may just dig it out of the attic once more.

Cheers
Robbie.

[Macavity]

I like the pacing in this Seth. Parallels the slow ease of the basking shark. I also like the way the language evolves from plain to metaphorical.

as a basking shark,
sucking it up like plankton blooms

You have two similes working close together there. Maybe the detail of the second one is bringing the focus to the shark and not the drinker? That said, I do like the colouring of 'plankton blooms'. Someone might mention symmetry in form 4/5/4

enjoyed

mac

[Antcliff]

Thanks again, Joe, K-J

Thanks, Brian

Thanks, Ros

Though not too sure about 'drained of oil' as a metaphor

I hope somebody would ponder that.

Thanks, Robbie

I'm glad about ln.5.and the end.
And glad to bring back the memory.

Yeh I think you and K-J are right on nixing the first line.

Dig out the Maxwell I say.....I was attracted to it as well! My first experience of Sccotland was in the area where the book was written. I remember thinking "So this is a ring of bright water!"

Thanks, Mac
glad about pacing, evolution.

Maybe the detail of the second one is bringing the focus to the shark and not the drinker?

Hmm.. yeh, you might be right. My mind does seem to be sailing towards the baskings sharks at the mo. It is the combo of the book I was reading (by Geddes) and all this bright summer water that is about.

Thanks again all. Very helpful comments.

Seth

[twoleftfeet]

Great fun, Seth

A familiar scenario.

Brian's edit is appealing - especially as it is a good way of avoiding the confusing oil metaphor which Ros has flagged up.

Geoff

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Geoff

I see the oil is not so popular.
Yeh, I can see the appeal of Brian's edit.

Seth

[ray miller]

I like Brian's edit, too. We really don't need excuses, do we? Not sure you need that colon in the last verse.

[Antcliff]

Thanks Ray,

the edit it is then, I will take the blooms, oil, excuses elsewhere.

We really don't need excuses, do we?

Well, reasons anyway.

w