Gurgling sounds arrive delayed, after they
have run their course. I am always hearing
the past, while the present pushes on.
The future waits impatiently, not far
behind. Eternal flow; minutes and hours
race into their days and the days fall
upon their ends. The urgent call
of gravity, that none can refuse,
not even this free, this flowing, streaming
water. No time to lose. Earnest, purposeful,
and determined with but a single goal
of blind obedience.
The Brook
Hi Mike - sorry, but I think this is poor. Comments follow for what it's worth:
Gurgling sounds arrive delayed makes me think of trains unfortunately, after they
have run their course to run one's course = cliche alert. I am always hearing
the past, while the present pushes on push on = cliche, derp derp. What else is the present going to do, go back?.
The future waits impatiently how else does one wait!, not far
behind. Eternal flow; minutes and hours how about seconds?
race into their days this explanation of how clocks work is really unnecessaryand the days fall
upon their ends that's a bit more poetic but what does it mean?. The urgent call
of gravity, that none can refuse except rockets,
not even this free, this flowing, streaming
water well, of course a stream can't escape gravity! Sorry to be harsh but the "not even" provokes me. No time to lose derp derp. Earnest, purposeful,
and determined with but a single goal
of blind obedience derp derp.
Gurgling sounds arrive delayed makes me think of trains unfortunately, after they
have run their course to run one's course = cliche alert. I am always hearing
the past, while the present pushes on push on = cliche, derp derp. What else is the present going to do, go back?.
The future waits impatiently how else does one wait!, not far
behind. Eternal flow; minutes and hours how about seconds?
race into their days this explanation of how clocks work is really unnecessaryand the days fall
upon their ends that's a bit more poetic but what does it mean?. The urgent call
of gravity, that none can refuse except rockets,
not even this free, this flowing, streaming
water well, of course a stream can't escape gravity! Sorry to be harsh but the "not even" provokes me. No time to lose derp derp. Earnest, purposeful,
and determined with but a single goal
of blind obedience derp derp.
fine words butter no parsnips
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Ros
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I'm moving this to beginners - sorry Mike, I'm not sure what's happening with your latest poems, but you seem to be lurching into cliché and abstraction. It's not what we expect on the exp board.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
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CalebMurdock
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I'm familiar with Mike from another forum. He is a prolific poet with lots of talent, but he spits them out a little too quickly.
Last edited by CalebMurdock on Thu May 15, 2014 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Ros
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There's no shame or glory in posting in either forum - we value both - but in exp we do expect a high quality of poetry - and also for the poet to offer detailed, knowledgeable crits themselves.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
hi Mike,Gurgling sounds arrive delayed, after they
You may want to consider breaking your line on a verb/noun. The 'they' rather dangles and so the continuation on to the next line is obvious. Besides why waste one of the most prominent places in a line on a pronoun?
all the best
mac
No need to apologise, Ros. I am here to learn both writing and critiquing.
"hi Mike,
You may want to consider breaking your line on a verb/noun. The 'they' rather dangles and so the continuation on to the next line is obvious. Besides why waste one of the most prominent places in a line on a pronoun?"
Macavity, one of my weaknesses is still the area of line breaks, so, thanks.
K-j, thank you for the critique. I will see what I can do.........
"hi Mike,
You may want to consider breaking your line on a verb/noun. The 'they' rather dangles and so the continuation on to the next line is obvious. Besides why waste one of the most prominent places in a line on a pronoun?"
Macavity, one of my weaknesses is still the area of line breaks, so, thanks.
K-j, thank you for the critique. I will see what I can do.........
Hi Mike,
a few thoughts on this. Like the others have said the line breaks need some attention.
i also felt the content was a bit confused. You were clearly looking at the brook thinking of time passing by (S1) but then you start to discuss gravity. The "urgent call" seems to switch from time to gravity - both significant forces but it's a little confusing which you are focusing on. Sorry to be pedantic but this confused me.
Also I had little sense of the Brook, beyond it gurgling, it could have been an intercity waste water outlet or an idyllic country stream. Some more description would have been helpful, to me at least.
On the more technical points KJ made a lot of sense.
Thanks, and nice to meet you,
Nicky
a few thoughts on this. Like the others have said the line breaks need some attention.
i also felt the content was a bit confused. You were clearly looking at the brook thinking of time passing by (S1) but then you start to discuss gravity. The "urgent call" seems to switch from time to gravity - both significant forces but it's a little confusing which you are focusing on. Sorry to be pedantic but this confused me.
Also I had little sense of the Brook, beyond it gurgling, it could have been an intercity waste water outlet or an idyllic country stream. Some more description would have been helpful, to me at least.
On the more technical points KJ made a lot of sense.
Thanks, and nice to meet you,
Nicky
too metronomic for me.
i like how you are expressing yourself tbh - what you say, and the determined inquisitive tone, but i agree with the others...
edit i mean i think tone matches content, which is a neat trick. but as per the criticism, you've not IMHO captured anything beyond that, in the poem.
i like how you are expressing yourself tbh - what you say, and the determined inquisitive tone, but i agree with the others...
edit i mean i think tone matches content, which is a neat trick. but as per the criticism, you've not IMHO captured anything beyond that, in the poem.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
