As we scrambled our way up the
broken-brick banking,
the rank odour rose;
acrid, hanging,
clinging to Winter clothes.
Faint crackles echoed.
Shadows loomed, contorted;
cast on the curved ceiling
of this cavernous lair.
A wild, wistful eye
gleamed in the amber glow,
defying his
smokey complexion.
Seven eyes narrowed
on radiant embers,
as cans and bottles
faded into darkness.
Fumbling fingers drew
three crumpled cigarettes
from your blazer pocket.
Your gracious gift.
Gesturing gently,
conscious not to touch,
in half-broken voice,
“Merry Christmas John."
John Wayne (of Ashton-u-Lyne)
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Firstly, Good Title - The juxtaposition (I think that's a relevant term) of a famed Western Hero and a rather obscure place name works well. Enticing!
As Scruffy remarked there are plenty of "descriptive words" especially in the first few stanzas. Now, adjectives can be abused to the point of illness. I can see you worked hard on these in the first few stanzas, maybe too hard! They are perhaps not suggestive enough for the reader to create their own picture (the old show not tell syndrome) And as with adjective abuse tends to come cliche abuse - Shadows loomed, for one!
On a positive note you've incorporated alliteration "broken-brick banking" "rank odour rose" which works well.
For me this poem kicks in with the last 3 stanzas:
"Seven eyes narrowed" bringing in the western theme, I can hear the Enrico Morricone soundtrack.
From here on in the poem becomes more subtle, suggestive, enjoyable.
Finally “Merry Christmas John." - "Merry Xmas Yoko" ?
Didn't quite get that bit, would like an explanation.
As always toss aside what you don't need or think of any use.
Certainly a progression I'd say, see you in the Experienced pool shortly!
cheers
Kris
As Scruffy remarked there are plenty of "descriptive words" especially in the first few stanzas. Now, adjectives can be abused to the point of illness. I can see you worked hard on these in the first few stanzas, maybe too hard! They are perhaps not suggestive enough for the reader to create their own picture (the old show not tell syndrome) And as with adjective abuse tends to come cliche abuse - Shadows loomed, for one!
On a positive note you've incorporated alliteration "broken-brick banking" "rank odour rose" which works well.
For me this poem kicks in with the last 3 stanzas:
"Seven eyes narrowed" bringing in the western theme, I can hear the Enrico Morricone soundtrack.
From here on in the poem becomes more subtle, suggestive, enjoyable.
Finally “Merry Christmas John." - "Merry Xmas Yoko" ?
Didn't quite get that bit, would like an explanation.
As always toss aside what you don't need or think of any use.
Certainly a progression I'd say, see you in the Experienced pool shortly!
cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Hi Mick,
Its usually a good idea to try avoiding rhyme in any form if there is no metre. They go hand in hand, so avoid that for starters until you get the hang of writing in metric form.
This looks a bit like a story, you’re telling me something that happened to some people. But like any tale, it must make sense not only to the poet but also to your readers.
I know that some people climbed up some sort of mountain, entered a cave, one of them was one eyed, the light fades for some reason, why? Batteries run out? Fire dies? Someone fumbles in someone elses pocket for some crumpled cigarettes, and in a half broken voice wishes him a merry christmas-why half broken voice? Why was the eye in the third stanza wistful? It has to make sense to me as the reader, I am left wondering why john was wished a merry christmas in a half broken voice, why you specifically used the word lair, does someone live in that cave?
The good points were many though, you seem to have a natural flair for the sound of words, I can feel the crackle, the acrid smell, the smoke, that’s great.
Someone has already mentioned alliteration. Good job.
Now look at your poem and say to yourself, what is the message I as a writer want my readers to get? Write it down, look at it carefully, compare it with what you have already written, and I think the revision will be something great.
Best of luck,
Khansaa
Its usually a good idea to try avoiding rhyme in any form if there is no metre. They go hand in hand, so avoid that for starters until you get the hang of writing in metric form.
This looks a bit like a story, you’re telling me something that happened to some people. But like any tale, it must make sense not only to the poet but also to your readers.
I know that some people climbed up some sort of mountain, entered a cave, one of them was one eyed, the light fades for some reason, why? Batteries run out? Fire dies? Someone fumbles in someone elses pocket for some crumpled cigarettes, and in a half broken voice wishes him a merry christmas-why half broken voice? Why was the eye in the third stanza wistful? It has to make sense to me as the reader, I am left wondering why john was wished a merry christmas in a half broken voice, why you specifically used the word lair, does someone live in that cave?
The good points were many though, you seem to have a natural flair for the sound of words, I can feel the crackle, the acrid smell, the smoke, that’s great.
Someone has already mentioned alliteration. Good job.
Now look at your poem and say to yourself, what is the message I as a writer want my readers to get? Write it down, look at it carefully, compare it with what you have already written, and I think the revision will be something great.
Best of luck,
Khansaa
I like this one, it's a good subject to write about. You kept it simple, allowing us to fill in the gaps from our own experiences - Every town has its own 'John Wayne' (usually a posse of 'em). I must say though, I've never known one to give away cigarettes.
I like the desription of the 'arches' (I take it that you're talking about under the railway) - They all have that same smell - some things are slow to change.
good one - nicely written
cheers
Barrie
I like the desription of the 'arches' (I take it that you're talking about under the railway) - They all have that same smell - some things are slow to change.
good one - nicely written
cheers
Barrie
Many thanks to you all for your observations.
This was a tale of me and a couple of my schoolfriends (always the rebels) visiting our new friend, a tramp who called himself John Wayne. Yes Barrie, it was arailway arch that had been partly enclosed by brick rubble. Glad most of the message comes across - I was afraid that I'd tried to keep it too short to paint a whole sequence of events.
I used the term "his" when rerfering to the tramp in stanza 3, then "your" to refer to my friend (trying to put the reader into the friend's shoes) in stanza 5. The friend was fumbling in his own pocket for the crumpled cigs, and offered them to John as a Christmas present. John had a wistful eye because he's lost and missed his earlier life. You've given me lots to work with, so the re-draft may take some time. Feeling encouraged. Thanks again,
Mick.
This was a tale of me and a couple of my schoolfriends (always the rebels) visiting our new friend, a tramp who called himself John Wayne. Yes Barrie, it was arailway arch that had been partly enclosed by brick rubble. Glad most of the message comes across - I was afraid that I'd tried to keep it too short to paint a whole sequence of events.
I used the term "his" when rerfering to the tramp in stanza 3, then "your" to refer to my friend (trying to put the reader into the friend's shoes) in stanza 5. The friend was fumbling in his own pocket for the crumpled cigs, and offered them to John as a Christmas present. John had a wistful eye because he's lost and missed his earlier life. You've given me lots to work with, so the re-draft may take some time. Feeling encouraged. Thanks again,
Mick.
Hi, i understood every word, rank, acrid smelling old railway arch, the tramps lair, childhood inosence, fearless inqusitivness, fearless until confronted, nervous generousity of good will with those cigs. great bit of reflection i thought. AC.