My Old English Sheepdog (v7)

[Firebird]

V7

Between the willow's
windswept tresses
I sometimes think
I might spy
one of his eyes.


V6

Between the willow's
windswept tresses
I sometimes think
I might spy one of his eyes.


V5

Between the willow's
windswept trusses
I sometimes think
that I might spy
one of his eyes.


V4

I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
windswept trusses
one of his eyes.


V3

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the weeping
willow's branches
one of his eyes.


V2

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
dangling branches
one of his eyes.

V1

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
cascade of branches
one of his eyes.

[JJWilliamson]

Thoroughly enjoyed this poem, Tristan

Is this a weeping willow. Not all willows weep.

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the weeping willow's
branches
one of his eyes. ...A possibility

JJ

[Richard]

Nice. Between the cascade/ of willow branches might work better?

[Firebird]

Pleased you both like it.

JJ, I'm not sure I need to say 'weeping willow', as doesn't 'cascade of branches' imply the type of willow I'm referring to?

Richard, I see the benefit of your suggestion: 'cascade' giving me an end rhyme with 'days', but not sure if I like the way it affects the rhythm of those lines and the overall affect this has on the poem. I may go with it though. Just need a little think.

Cheers both,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

Pleased you both like it.

JJ, I'm not sure I need to say 'weeping willow', as doesn't 'cascade of branches' imply the type of willow I'm referring to?

Tristan

Yes it does, and that was my immediate impression, but 'cascade' is over the top (sorry)
because it reminds me of a cataract or torrent, a waterfall of incredible power, rather than the gentle spill
or tumble of the weeping willow. The cascade runs against the easy, thoughtful eye staring from behind the shaggy fringe.
It lacks a calmness. Anyway, just thinkin'.

Best

JJ

[Firebird]

Very good point JJ. I'll see what I can do.

Cheers!

Tristan

[ray miller]

Just a thought - We have a willow in our garden and it's quite a windy day, clear blue sky. For me, the chances of seeing what you describe would be enhanced by what lies beyond the tree - the sky - rather than the wind. The cloudier the better, I'd imagine.

[Firebird]

Hi Ray, I don't really think the colour of the sky makes a lot of difference to the poem, as I rarely see the sky when looking through a weeping willow's branches. When I do see through their hanging branches all I normally see are the hanging branches on the other side.

New version posted to deal more effectively with JJ's point.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tristan
Have you considered 'tresses' rather than 'branches'?
(Might allow you to remove 'weeping')
Regards, Not

[David]

Okay, I get it now. At first I could only think that one of his eyes must have been blown into the tree (so it must have been windy). So now I realise that it works.

It is, perhaps, a little abstruse. Or I am a bit slow on the uptake. Or both.

I do like it now. It reminds me of the Perishers' dog.

Cheers

David

[Crayon]

The first time I got to the last line, I'd forgotten the title and thought you were saying that the willow tree has eyes; like some mop-topped Ent.

On windy days I would expect a willow's branches to be rather turbulent. Neither "cascade", "dangling" nor "weeping" suggest any horizontal movement. Perhaps something like this:

On windy days
I think I may spy,
through the waving
willow, one of his eyes.

[Antcliff]

Might the "that" go?


Between the willow's
windswept trusses
I sometimes think
I might spy one of his eyes.

[NotQuiteSure]

Tristan
I think v5 is an improvement, it flows nicely.
Not sure about 'trusses' (one or two unintended interpretations perhaps?) and I'm sure Seth is right about removing 'that'
Regards, Not

[Firebird]

Not, David, Crayon and Seth, thanks for your comments.

Not, trusses was a typo. It should have been tresses of course. Thanks for your suggestion. Much appreciated. And thanks for coming back.

David, it is a little abstruse, but sometimes it's good to make the reader work a little, don't you think? There's often more engagement that way, and a sence of reward for the reader when the poem reveals itself. I think you are right, Perisher's dog is an old English Sheepdog.

Crayon, you forgot the title after only 5 very short lines? Me thinks your attention might have been in other places.

Seth, I agree. Thanks!

Cheers all,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Tristan,
You're welcome.
I preferred the line break after 'spy'
(it offered the brief ambiguity as to whether you were spying out from or in to the willow)
That said, I think the piece works really well now.
Regards, Not.

[Firebird]

Not,

It's a subtle point, and I tend to agree. New version posted. Many thanks.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Crayon]

Crayon, you forgot the title after only 5 very short lines? Me thinks your attention might have been in other places.

To misquote Withnail: How dare you! How dare you call me inattentive! Right, you fucker, I'm gonna do the washing up.


But seriously, I don't think it was inattentive of me to first apply "his eyes" to the tree, before a second (or several) later linking it back to the dog in the title.

It was only after you used the word "tresses" in V6 that I realised the narrator is imaging the entire willow tree as a dog's head, and not a dog peering out from among the branches. So, it's about a willow tree looking like a giant shaggy dog's green decapitated head? I'm not sure I buy that; but I still like the poem.

[JJWilliamson]

I read the poem as a fond trigger or reminder of your dog. There's a strong resemblance
between the willow's sweeping branches and the shaggy dog's unkempt fringe. The resemblance
is so strong that you can almost imagine seeing one of his/her eyes peering out through gaps
in the branches. I thought this immediately. (why do I think of all Old English Sheep Dogs as male)

Not at all keen on 'tresses'. It dominates IMHO. An OESD and old man willow with tresses doesn't sound right to me.
I assumed this was a sad poem with a quiet reflective core. It was as if you really missed the old dog and were comforted
by the reminder and unexpected image. I see things that remind me of my old dog all the time. Places especially.
'Weeping' seemed an appropriate wordplay and metaphor. I could, of course, be totally wrong but I thought I'd clarify my position.

Very moving poem for me, this one.

Best

JJ

V7

Between the willow's
windswept tresses
I sometimes think
I might spy
one of his eyes.


V6

Between the willow's
windswept tresses
I sometimes think
I might spy one of his eyes.


V5

Between the willow's
windswept trusses
I sometimes think
that I might spy
one of his eyes.


V4

I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
windswept trusses
one of his eyes.


V3

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the weeping
willow's branches
one of his eyes.


V2

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
dangling branches
one of his eyes.

V1

On windy days,
I sometimes think
that I might spy
between the willow's
cascade of branches
one of his eyes.

[Firebird]

Crayon & JJ thanks for coming back to this one.

Crayon, sorry you aren't really buying the image. I'm going to stay with it though, as I do buy it.

JJ, your interp is exactly what I intended - spot on. And I agree about the gender problem with 'tresses'. I actually discussed it with my partner and she thought the same too: the word only really refers to girls and women. I'll see what I can think of to solve this problem. It might just mean going back to V3. Anyway, thanks for your input. It's been very useful indeed. Really pleased you like it, too.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Tristan,
before you start cutting your tresses, have you determined whether the tree in question is male or female?
Regards, Not.

[Crayon]

Crayon, sorry you aren't really buying the image. I'm going to stay with it though, as I do buy it.

I was dumb and wrong. JJ is right; it's not about the likeness, but it being enough of a memory trigger for the narrator. Sorry to mess you about.

Maybe 'locks' is more masculine than 'tresses'?