Serendipity-doodah

[David]

I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar

with her swag between her feet,
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette,
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me -
for a while, at least.

[jcnash]

Love that title, David. It actually made Mrs. B ask what I was chuckling at.

I don't think this needs any changes does it? Great line break on S2 L3, it makes the reader pause along with you.

This line's perfect.

this unlooked-for epaulette,

Brilliant, really enjoyed it.

barrett.

[JJWilliamson]

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
my, oh my, what a wonderful day.

Excellent poem, David, and one that had me glued to the page right to the end.
I don't want to labour the point but I enjoyed every line and strophe. Loved the close.

Nothing to offer but enjoyment.

Best

JJ

I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar ...Made me smile.

with her swag between her feet, ...Yes, fair enough, although I wondered about "legs".
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen ...Is there a deliberate connection between foxgloves and stock? I liked the possibility.

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette, ...Clever and highly appropriate.
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me -
for a while, at least. ...I hope you like this close, if not can I have it?

J

[twoleftfeet]

David,
If you have written a better poem than this then I must have missed it!
From perfect title through to perfect ending,and all in one sentence.

It makes me feel bad to actually make a suggestion,but - just my opinion - "consented" implies that you asked,while
"unlooked-for" seems to imply the opposite. Maybe something like "decided/chosen"?

Plaudits
Geoff

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi David,
enjoyed the read.

a busy amiable burglar ?

with her swag between her feet, ...Yes, fair enough, although I wondered about "legs".

Made me wonder about "knees"

And whether the name of the 'prettiest girl' would fit after 'as though'.

And lastly, if the period after 'shoulder' should be an 'and', and the comma after 'still'
a period?


Regards, Not.

.

[ray miller]

Very nice, David.
this unlooked-for epaulette,
hardly daring to draw breath,


that would give you an extra rhyme. If you want one. Likewise thief/feet.

reversing from a foxglove's flower?

[Macavity]

A delicate delight to read while I am looking out on my garden! Can't add to all the suggestions, though the title felt 'ugly' (with this poem).

cheers

mac

[CalebPerry]

I'm off to bed, so this will be brief.

I had just stopped to admire
a bumble-bee reversing
out of a foxglove's flower,
an amiable burglar

with her swag between her feet, [aren't the drones that collect pollen males? perhaps I'm remembering my biology wrong. I thought only the queen was a female]
when a butterfly alighted
on my shoulder. I
stood stock still, frozen

by this chance promotion,
this unlooked-for epaulette, ["undeserved" instead of "unlooked-for"?]
and hardly daring to breathe,
as though the prettiest girl in school

had consented to go with me - [I'll need to think about alternatives, but "go with" doesn't feel strong enough to me -- perhaps "be my date" instead of "go with me"]
for a while, at least.

Lovely poem! I like it!

[David]

Hi Perry. I will check with Mrs C about the bees.

Nope, the workers - who collect the pollen - are definitely females. The males are drones, and pretty useless apart from the one lucky lottery winner who gets to impregnate the queen.

I must say I prefer "unlooked-for".

I'm not sure you're familiar with the British usage of "to go with me". It's sort of like that old US stalwart of going steady. As in (newly empowered by Geoff and Mac) ...



But I'm glad you like it.

[David]

Thanks all. You've all been very kind. Thank you!

On particular points ...

Geoff, that's a very reasonable quibble about "consented". Let me think about that.

JJ, Not ... there is no end to my ignorance of the bee's anatomy. Wasn't quite sure how to describe it.

Mac, thanks. You are not the first to object to the title. It has been much derided elsewhere. On the other hand, Geoff and M. Barrett like it, so ...

Ooh, some internal rhyming. That's interesting. Thanks Ray.

Cheers all

David

[twoleftfeet]

Mac, thanks. You are not the first to object to the title. It has been much derided elsewhere. On the other hand, Geoff and M. Barrett like it, so ...

David,
Ignore the naysayers, just watch at about 2m 8 secs



Geoff

[Ryder]

True story

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi David,

the term you may be searching for is 'pollen baskets'
as in
an amiable burglar

her baskets full of swag,

Regards, Not


.

[David]

Perfect, Geoff! I actually think I remember seeing that film at the cinema. Not when it first came out, perhaps.

True story

And so it is. Sort of. Ryder, indeed. You've not been around for a while. Hope all's well with you.

Oh Not, I don't think I want baskets. But thanks for the thought.

Cheers all

David

[1lankest]

Lovely, pure nectar.

Why the isolated ‘I’?
I liked the ending, naturally, but it struck me as slightly too twee and shifted the focus overly to the narrator and the human element in the poem.

A less anthropocentric ending might improve this for me. Let the insects sing?

Great to read you, as ever.

Luke

[twoleftfeet]

Oh Not, I don't think I want baskets. But thanks for the thought.

David,
Where do all burglars keep their swag? Yes indeed -
http://www.gardening-for-wildlife.com/pollen-sacs.html

Geoff

[David]

Nice to see you around again, Luke!

Why the isolated ‘I’?

You've got me wondering myself now. Was it for metrical reasons?

But I want to keep my anthropocentric ending.

Thanks for the sacs, Geoff!

Cheers both

David

[RCJames]

Not a wasted word throughout - love that image of butterfly as schoolgirl - well done - RC

[1lankest]

On second thoughts I was projecting inner doubts over my own gannet related anthropocentrism on your excellent poem. Thoroughly misplaced. Don’t change a thing!

Luke

[David]

RC, Luke - thank you!

David

[Firebird]

I like it David. I’m not sure you need ‘flower’ after foxglove. Flower seems redundant to me, though it does help the rhythm of the line. Also, and I’m sure this will only be me, do you need ‘this unlooked-for epaulette’? It is a beautiful line but for me it was clear implied by the line before.

‘Stood stock still, frozen’. This line is a bit overdone for me. You don’t need ‘still’ and ‘frozen’, do you?

I lovely poem though all in all.

Cheers,

Tristan

[David]

Thanks Tristan. Some stuff to think about there.

Cheers

David