This Can't Be Real

[Poet]

Fuck the USA, America what have you done
You have brought shame to your land! Your
president has gone crazy, what is he doing?
He is going to start WW3 if he continues this
killing rampage on Iran, he will be punished soon

What is going on here? America wake up, get
this man out of office, and for once get a new
president. Don’t get me wrong though I think
it is all a show, but you know what I think that
there needs to be something for the masses
other than this Iranian nonsense, get your shit
together America! You can do this

Keep our world smelling nice like the ecosystem
It is even though the world does stink a bit
And make sure you never give up on the hope
you have for a better world even though your
country is terrible and needs some therapy

[ray miller]

So what's new?

[tatterdemalion]

Hi, I really like your title. Good starting point, but what follows isn't manic enough for me. There's a hint of panic in the title, I'd like to see that in the poem. I'd suggest a rewrite, and exaggerate everything, shamelessly. Really have fun with this.

[Sid]

I cant help but feel this is every over exaggerated conversation regarding Trump.

Poetry to me is finding an angle and exploring it. The is just a rant which has tried to be plugged into poetic form.

Good luck with it, I understand the subject matter is appealing to many but to me you need to work on dissecting the issues.

Maybe explore historical US military interventions / aggressive behaviour, past presidents and compare the deterioration of each one with the failing system they have over there.

Or explore Trump, his history as a (failed) business man, his dubious ethics and evolve that to his presidency.

Or make it more personal, keep it light on dissection but explore more what feelings he evokes in you and explore your fears.

Hope this helps.

[camus]

What a load of old shit. This was once a poetry forum, for poetry. Up your game sir, read some poets, digest, regurgitate, ensconce. This is crayon poetry. It doesn't belong here in any colour.

Cheers

[Poet]

What a load of old shit. This was once a poetry forum, for poetry. Up your game sir, read some poets, digest, regurgitate, ensconce. This is crayon poetry. It doesn't belong here in any colour.

Cheers

I know it seems like a rant but it is, in a form of poem. But thanks for giving out your opinion, and I do read poets from many journals.

[camus]

but it is, in a form of poem

Well, yes, but any form of any amount of alphabetical letters in any sequence can be seen as "poetry"

Please explain the "Poetry" in this piece?

I'm not the best crit here, in fact i'm probably the worst, so i do appreciate you answering, but you know, answer well!

Cheers

[Poet]

Hi, I really like your title. Good starting point, but what follows isn't manic enough for me. There's a hint of panic in the title, I'd like to see that in the poem. I'd suggest a rewrite, and exaggerate everything, shamelessly. Really have fun with this.

I still need to know what I am writing though, it can't be reckless.

[Poet]

but it is, in a form of poem

Well, yes, but any form of any amount of alphabetical letters in any sequence can be seen as "poetry"

Please explain the "Poetry" in this piece?

I'm not the best crit here, in fact i'm probably the worst, so i do appreciate you answering, but you know, answer well!

Cheers

Well there is a theme and poetic language (somewhere) and the five senses, ok but well there are no metaphors or similes because this was more of a rant like I said but you get the idea.

[Poet]

Hi, I really like your title. Good starting point, but what follows isn't manic enough for me. There's a hint of panic in the title, I'd like to see that in the poem. I'd suggest a rewrite, and exaggerate everything, shamelessly. Really have fun with this.

I still need to know what I am writing though, it can't be reckless, but I will rewrite this poem though.

[Poet]

Hi, I really like your title. Good starting point, but what follows isn't manic enough for me. There's a hint of panic in the title, I'd like to see that in the poem. I'd suggest a rewrite, and exaggerate everything, shamelessly. Really have fun with this.

I still need to know what I am writing though, it can't be reckless, but I will rewrite this poem though.

[camus]

Fair play to you, I didn't mean to sound disparaging, although I did! Be interested to see how this pans out in the re-write.

[tatterdemalion]

Poet, Sid is right, do more research in Trump, or into military interventions. I'd go with Trump, focus on him, research, research and write down what excites you, moves you. I still think the title is a good starting point, but the poem still isn't working (I noticed you posted a revised poem but thought I'd post my comment here with the original).

Can I make a suggestion? Free your thinking. One good way to do that is to write out what you've written on a piece of paper, and then cut out the lines, mix them up, then takes lines at random, make a revised draft that way. Only keep what works. But do more research first, add more details, let your research inspire a few more original lines.

[Poet]

Poet, Sid is right, do more research in Trump, or into military interventions. I'd go with Trump, focus on him, research, research and write down what excites you, moves you. I still think the title is a good starting point, but the poem still isn't working (I noticed you posted a revised poem but thought I'd post my comment here with the original).

Can I make a suggestion? Free your thinking. One good way to do that is to write out what you've written on a piece of paper, and then cut out the lines, mix them up, then takes lines at random, make a revised draft that way. Only keep what works. But do more research first, add more details, let your research inspire a few more original lines.

Ok but can you at least post a critique on my revised work first?