Ode to a Conversation with Freud (Revision)

[Poet]

I am your patient and in need of help.
You think it is wrong to chuckle at someone’s despair?
Yet it seems like I am overreacting, why do I bother?
One day I will repay my remarks about patients.
I imagined I was in a cold room with you speaking about
how I feel, by talking with the spirits fluttering like
butterflies over my head telling me words to speak
to you about.
You think it is ok to belittle others? Fine by me.
But I’ve owned up to my mistakes, sit by that chair
and don’t talk to me anyone, though I like the way.
You speak about nose wiping and keeping warm in a fire.
Winter is here, the snow piles the ground for miles.
I’ll admit, the snow drives me crazy since cold weather
makes me freeze my butt off, I cannot take it.
I bang my head on tables thinking of you when
it came to that conversation I mentioned.
One day I saw you through the paper and I wanted
to meet you in person since you were the most
renowned and respected psychoanalyst.
You can study me all you like, I need it.
As long as you do not touch my private area.
I tend to be spooked when others slide their hands.

Dr. Freud, I am a sick man.
I have requests, I am looking for help.
Let me have that book The Interpretation of Dreams
so that I can understand it more.
One night I could not sleep because I was worried
I was talking too much to you about my problems.
But maybe it is time for me to go into psych wards
I was in one, but my heart beats only for the
liberation of getting out of such a place.
So, you see, I am worried that speaking to you
about going inside the ward would make things
worse.
What do you think?
I also cannot sit on this chair long enough.
I am the sickest man you’ll ever know.

Next, I want to say thank you.
You have healed me, made me whole.
I think it is time for to say goodbye to you.
I want to be able to practice my ethics with you.
I do believe there is a better world for philosophers
like me, I do know you are a philosopher too.
I wonder what to do next.

[Poet]

Anyone want to critique this?

[capricorn]

Hi Poet,

This reads more like prose than poetry. It would help to give it a good trim and perhaps write in a few stanzas. Hope this helps.

Eira

[Poet]

Hi Poet,

This reads more like prose than poetry. It would help to give it a good trim and perhaps write in a few stanzas. Hope this helps.

Eira

Really? Alright then, thanks for your insight to this piece. Can you show me examples of where to start when trimming this poem? I was doing it myself but I wasn't sure if I am doing it right.

[capricorn]

Hi Poet,

Sorry I'm late answering. Someone once told me to miss out anything unnecessary and just stick to main points. eg

I am your patient and in need of help.
You think it is wrong to chuckle at someone’s despair?
Yet it seems like I am overreacting, why do I bother?
One day I will repay my remarks about patients.
I imagined I was in a cold room with you speaking about
how I feel, by talking with the spirits fluttering like
butterflies over my head telling me words to speak
to you about.



This beginning could be cut back to something like this-

I need your help. It’s wrong
to chuckle at someone’s despair.
Am I overreacting?
I imagine I am in a cool room,
speaking about my feelings,
talking with spirits, fluttering like
butterflies above me, telling me
what to say


Hope this helps

Eira

[Poet]

Oh hello capricorn, I wrote a new version to this poem. Perhaps I will post it here for you to see.