Passing Strangers

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
User avatar
Jester
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1139
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:35 pm
antispam: no
Location: Manchester, England
Contact:
Contact Jester

Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:02 am

I swear I didn’t see the signs,
I can’t believe my eyes.
You came right at me, crossed the lines,
and took me by surprise.

Colliding like two cannon balls,
the impact made us reel,
and now we make immobile calls
surrounded by cold steel.

We failed to keep our distance well –
You could say it was meant.
But babe I’d rather be in Hell
Than have my bumper bent.
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Top
User avatar
barrie
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6069
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 1:13 am
Location: lake district

Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:51 am

I can see why you didn't post it in 'Experienced', but it doesn't really belong here either - Maybe we need a 'frivolous' section.

immobile calls indeed!

nice one

Barrie
Top
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 12281
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:56 am

:lol:
Top
CRM
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:44 am

Thu Oct 26, 2006 1:03 pm

Hi Jester. I loved it! I really liked the impact like two cannon balles imagery. Smash! I really liked the poem. Do you alwasy write in rhyme or do you ever write without it?

C
Top
Robert
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 129
Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 10:14 pm
Location: Lesser Manchester

Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:18 pm

Another nice chuckle Mick. I love the last verse. It appeals to my idiotic humour.

:P
Top
User avatar
Jester
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1139
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:35 pm
antispam: no
Location: Manchester, England
Contact:
Contact Jester

Thu Oct 26, 2006 3:20 pm

Thanks all.

CRM - I just messed around with rhyming couplets for years, but then I found this site and experimented with free verse after advice from more experienced poets. It was very exciting - the release from the restraints of rhyme. If I'm writing in rhyme, though, I usually prefer the lines to meter correctly too.

Mick
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Top
User avatar
Jaerlost
Posts: 25
Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 5:46 pm
Location: The City of Water

Thu Oct 26, 2006 5:31 pm

I liked the lines
Colliding like two cannon balls,
the impact made us reel,

The last two lines are great also, but the 3rd to last seems like it could flow better to me, maybe if you put another syllable in there between "say" and "it"
Pulled the scabs off of regrets
We haven't learned to eat our conscious yet
-Isaac Brock
Top
David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13973
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:17 pm

It's a song, isn't it? Sounds like one to me.

I think you could sing it to Her Majesty - short and sweet.
Top
User avatar
Jester
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1139
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:35 pm
antispam: no
Location: Manchester, England
Contact:
Contact Jester

Thu Oct 26, 2006 7:47 pm

Thanks again.

Jaerlost - Glad you liked some lines. The syllable count is 8,6,8,6 etc. Sometimes this form does sound better with an extra syllable (depending on the stress on the words), but I think it would interfere with the flow rather than improve it in this instance.

David - I think it's a classsic ballad rhythm, the old 8,6 thing.

Just found a link - http://www.writing-world.com/poetry/ballad.shtml

Cheers

Mick
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Top
User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Fri Oct 27, 2006 9:05 am

"Immobile calls" - GROAN!

Were you phoning Donna to pick you up? :)

Terrific
Geoff
Top
Post Reply

Return to “Post-a-Poem (Beginners)”