Tired

[(my) boastful! murmur?]

I woke up this morning fast asleep,
and dragged my corpse out of bed.
It’s too cold in Hell and I’m too tired.
Every mirror I see you in you always look shattered.

On the wet crumbling streets
insipid zombies push brooms around empty boxes.
I step to you, you step to me,
please leave me alone, I’m too tired.

I’m too tired of this mourning,
I just want comfort and a place to stay.
I want to sleep until the grass grows and towers over me,
and stay alone in the undergrowth a mile in all direction.

[thoke]

This is really really good. Me likes it. "Wet crumbling streets" is a great line, as is the next line. Although I'm not sure why the zombies have boxes of brooms.

I can't think of any constructive criticism, sorry.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday and welcome

I woke up this morning fast asleep,

The first line reminded me of a comic poem used to know as a child. It contained the line:

"I ran over a dead dog and half killed it"

The rest of the poem is more serious and is let down by that first line. I'd rework it. The next line is talking about corpses. Why not introduce that in the first line somehow?

It could be set in the cardboard city they had under Waterloo Station (?) back in the 90's. Is it still there? Certainly I get the feeling of sleeping rough.

and stay alone in the undergrowth a mile in all direction.

I wasn't sure of how you expressed the last line - maybe something like

alone in the undergrowth, isolated, a mile in all directions.

Keep the beginning and ending lines strong.

Good poem - keep posting.
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Hi MBM,

I too got a powerful image of sleeping rough, albeit you mention a "bed".

Every mirror I see you in you always look shattered.
- some black Milliganesque humour here which I like, but I think that
him/he would work better than you because my corpse is a third person.
(Just a suggestion).

Nice one
Geoff

[spencer_broughton]

Hello,

Whilst reading it, the one thing that sprung to mind was that 'I'm too tired' felt a little repetitive. I know that's the message you are emphasising but perhaps you could find another way to portray this.

On the whole I liked it though.

[Wabznasm]

Hi there,

Here are some thoughts:

I'm a big fan of the second last line, it reminds me of one of my favourite Emily Dickinson poems, 449: 'Until the Moss had reached our lips - / And covered up - our names-'.

The fact that you continue the image of the dead and end it in the grave (in a way) is a good touch. I was expecting it to be used just as a conceit, but was happy to go along with it.

A few suggestions to help:

The mood of the poem is, for me, too quaint for the subject matter. Initially I was expecting it to be more anecdotal, but then turns into something more melancholy by the end. I think the repetition of "I'm too tired" gave it that feel - plus the subject matter of waking up and feeling tired. Perhaps there's another way to tackle the atmosphere?


I second kozmikdave's suggestion of keeping the ending line strong. To add onto that, I think you could play around with the structure a little more to achieve the tired effect. Try deconstructing the punctuation and rhythm maybe. At the moment the last 2 lines are quite fast, which is a contradiction of the sleepiness - mess about with them, cut them up and give them a feeling of painful drowsiness.

You should definitely continue with the poem though. The concept is refreshing and dealt in a more 'painful' way could give the piece a great feel.

Dave

[heinrich]

i don't like the word 'corpse' it sounds like a horror movie.