This is the room those words found life
Slow evening wrapped in subtle light
You lay there curled among that song
Grace and beauty I have known so long
How could I stop that fall of walls
The gentle flood of deepest call
The citadel fails, my strength undone
Lips from which my hopes begun
This is the room those words found life
The same today and yet without
And though we rest, rest in my mind
I sit alone with hopes unbound
This Room
Brendan, I think you've managed the metre well. It also seems pretty clear (in general) what you're on about - I'm guessing something on the borders of awakening / unrequited love - but the detailed sense is quite hard to grasp. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you might find it interesting to read it yourself, noting what secret information you have that helps you to know what's going on but is not available to anybody else.
Anything you'd change on that basis?
Cheers
David
Anything you'd change on that basis?
Cheers
David
I like this a lot more than I thought I would. Such strict rhyme isn't usually my thing but I think you worked it well so that it didn't seem forced - which can be a problem with a lot of rhyming poems. Is it about a relationship ending? That's what I took from it anyway.
It was sweet and I really liked the fact that you chose to leave the strict rhyme pattern in stanza 3. It brought home the message and the sadness within that sadness and emphasises the last word 'unbound' (not only hope but unbound by rhyme in my eyes). It's a very honest poem and so in that, quite a gem. I'm not entirely sure why it lacks punctuation at the end of lines though?
It was sweet and I really liked the fact that you chose to leave the strict rhyme pattern in stanza 3. It brought home the message and the sadness within that sadness and emphasises the last word 'unbound' (not only hope but unbound by rhyme in my eyes). It's a very honest poem and so in that, quite a gem. I'm not entirely sure why it lacks punctuation at the end of lines though?
Thank you for the feedback.
The poem is about liking someone for such a long time andthen to finally hear the words you wanted to hear from them that means the start of a relationship. So the relationship starts, but then that person leaves for another country before the relationship has a chance to find a grounding. Hopes unbound describes the fact that all the hopes that i had for the relationship can never come to fruition.
The punctuation thing is something that I struggle with the most. Dont quite understand how to use punctuation effectively and indeed, what its real purpose is. this is something I need to learn. I sinly start nearly every line with a capital and never use full stops as i dont know where to put them
Still, I am glad you liked it.
I also like the fact that there is some element of ambiguity. I thik it allows the reader to apply the words to possible similar situation. If i am tool descriptive or perscriptive then I think the readr can not allow themself to become part of the wprds. However, I realise now that ambiguity actually also prevents people interacting with the writting. So, not sure really what to do there.
Thank you guys.
The poem is about liking someone for such a long time andthen to finally hear the words you wanted to hear from them that means the start of a relationship. So the relationship starts, but then that person leaves for another country before the relationship has a chance to find a grounding. Hopes unbound describes the fact that all the hopes that i had for the relationship can never come to fruition.
The punctuation thing is something that I struggle with the most. Dont quite understand how to use punctuation effectively and indeed, what its real purpose is. this is something I need to learn. I sinly start nearly every line with a capital and never use full stops as i dont know where to put them
Still, I am glad you liked it.
I also like the fact that there is some element of ambiguity. I thik it allows the reader to apply the words to possible similar situation. If i am tool descriptive or perscriptive then I think the readr can not allow themself to become part of the wprds. However, I realise now that ambiguity actually also prevents people interacting with the writting. So, not sure really what to do there.
Thank you guys.
-
beautifulloser
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Hi Brenden
Cute little poem you've gone and got yourself there, Sir. My only nit, is that it's not bursting with originality. But I mean, you know, neither's my stuff either!
Reminds me of that Morrisey line:
I sat in my room, and drewe up a plan
but plans can fall through as do often they do
Keep it up squire!
Beau
x
Cute little poem you've gone and got yourself there, Sir. My only nit, is that it's not bursting with originality. But I mean, you know, neither's my stuff either!
Reminds me of that Morrisey line:
I sat in my room, and drewe up a plan
but plans can fall through as do often they do
Keep it up squire!
Beau
x
I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I know I'm right and I don't give a shit!