Time to spare

[dl04]

Disco-dancing woman
with time to spare
is clawing through her lovers.

Hair complex to entice the yesmen,
who hand her charms and coins
to show just how appreciative they are
with drinks and exploring hands.

Midnight echoes through the halls,
she has left herself waiting in the toilets
while she spears her suitors in the bedroom.

Kirsty takes her shoes and socks.

Mocking glass makes an unhappy judge,
as she washes off the shame
attached to her fishnets.

[arunansu]

Im not quite sure I can provide a good critic to the piece. The images are striking, no doubt. An interesting term is "to entice the yesmen". The ending is great. I like the style of writing but I somehow feel you may come up with a better opening than "Disco-dancing woman".

Cheers.

[barrie]

Midnight echoes through the halls,
she has left herself waiting in the toilets
while she spears her suitors in the bedroom. - I thought this verse was the highlight of the poem. Excellent.

I agree with Aru about Disco dancing woman - It's too plain for this, too 70's John Travolta - You need something darker.

I'm not too keen on Hair complex in V2 - It sounds like a collection of salons.

Good poem, I enjoyed it.

Barrie

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I enjoyed this by-and-large.

The first line has to go, as said by the other reviewers. It also places the piece in a disco, which it clearly isn't due to the bedroom reference. It is just unnecessary.

I enjoyed tis too. Good read

[dogofdiogenes]

Liked it but ditto with the disco-dancing line-is this what she thinks of herself or her creator's view of her? Could she see the difference anyway? just a question-I'd love to know.

Jacq

[Oskar]

d104

Time to spare presumably has something to do with being young and playing the field? It might also be a reference to the debauched extracurricular activities of a student? Now there's a novel thought. This could also explain your mention of halls (of residence) in S3?

I like the way you have used

Kirsty takes her shoes and socks

and put it above the last stanza -which IMO is particularly strong. The shoes and socks and naming of Kirsty is a very clear way of contrasting the man-eating vamp with the more familiar, everyday person that she is to her family back home.

All rather grubby and degrading but effectively done.

[John G]

Liking the grubbiness of this, especially the ending:

“as she washes off the shame
attached to her fishnets.
“

(better then washing of the shame attached to the curtains eh?!)

However have to agree with he consensus about the first line, disco dancing woman just reminds me of the 70’s,
And glitter and seems out of place here

A good read though

[Milu]

Disco-dancing woman
with time to spare
is clawing through her lovers.

Hair complex to entice the yesmen,
who hand her charms and coins
to show just how appreciative they are
with drinks and exploring hands.

Midnight echoes through the halls,
she has left herself waiting in the toilets
while she spears her suitors in the bedroom.

Kirsty takes her shoes and socks.

Mocking glass makes an unhappy judge,
as she washes off the shame
attached to her fishnets.

Nice work.I like the shift in the last stanza. It seems like through the entire poem you have images of her being this predator. "Clawing through", "enticing", "spearing." It's like she hides behind her label as "the disco queen" to let go of herself (I think the label of "disco dancing queen" could be more edgy, unless it's supposed to be a portrait of the disco era). The last stanza is really powerful, because she is no longer the predator; she is vulnerable. "Mocking glass" is cleaver, I'm glad you didn't go with the traditional mirror image. The only suggestion I have is to make the men appear to be like prey in the earlier stanzas a bit more, to establish the predator-prey relationship.

[py0sra]

I really like the "disco- dancing woman" line as it drew me in immediately and gives the poem a funky start. However i do agree with others that it is incongruous with the content of the poem. i imagine the woman to be wild, exciting, powerful, yet lonely and complicated. i love the line "she has left herself waiting in the toilets
while she spears her suitors in the bedroom". for me this is the way she has divided her mental and physical self, creating two parts of herself separated by whatever has led to her relationships with these men. i am unsure about the line "kirsty takes her shoes and socks". is this the same woman? how can she be wearing socks and fishnets at the same time? by naming her i think it takes away her mystery. i'm not sure what added meaning this line gives to the poem.
Also with the line "mocking glass makes an unhappy judge", are you saying the glass is both mocking and unhappy?, which seems contadictory or that the mocking glass makes her unhappy?
Anyway i really enjoyed this poem
Thanks
Sam
x

[walrus]

Your opening lines threw me right into this. I'm not bothered by "Disco dancing woman" I suppose it could be stronger but it works as is for me. Only thing that threw me off a bit is that this feels like a nightclub setting but the bedroom mention comes up suddenly. I'm not feeling a smooth transition although I get the gist. Overall, there is a lot to like about this raunchy endeavour and I enjoyed it all!!!

walrus

[TDF]

Interesting one this. Interesting because most feedback so far has drawn attention to her powerful man-eating personality of the subject. But to me, I didn't see this in the same way. I certainly didnt see her in control. That is to say, I saw her as a pole-dancer/stripper/prostitute, who has to turn on the 'power woman' ego for her job, yet despises herself for cheapening/dirtying herself and selling her body for money. People may see a 'disco-dancing woman' who prowels for men, yet in reality she is letched upon and ultimately used as a piece of meat.

This, to me, was reinforced nicely with the image that once she is 'done' she wants to get out so quick she doesnt even put her shoes and socks on, rather just picks them up and is gone asap. That said, my only criticism would be: fishnets and socks? bit of a clash of images here. One or the other surely?

nice one.

Tom