Beloved

[oddball]

Yes, I'm going girly on you this time.


Beloved,
oft now do I trace
the contour of your back,
the nooks and crannies of you
with eyes bleak -
anticipating.

You never truly sleep,
even as the moon wraps
her blanket around you
you toss and turn -
ever so restless.

Here you are, exposed,
my fingers running down
the length of your skin,
feeling the scars
and blemishes therein -
yet you show no chagrin.

I adore your marred beauty.
The way you holler in the morning
like a common wench that revels in vulgarity,
the way your temper flares
swinging from sunny to stormy,
that no amount of flattery can calm.

Beloved,
soon I will leave the crook
of your elbow that nestles me,
your scent and sound I will consign
to the caprice of memory,
out of necessity,
due to life's vagary...

Will you forgive me?

[Elphin]

Sorry ob

Its too high in the girly factor for my taste. Also some sins comitted - use of ancient language (oft) and forced rhyme (skin, therein, chagrin)

Having said that I do like the fourth stanza where you went off message with the common wench and for that I will forgive you. As a thought, take that stanza as your starting point.

elphin

[keekee107]

Hmm... I afraid to say this doesn't really work for me either.

The ancient language seems totally irrelevant to anything 'oft' and completely befuzzled me I'm afraid. 'contours of your back' seemed highly cliche to me and a little obvious for the type of poem you have written. There was also some, seemingly, forced rhyme: 'chagrin' particularly seeming not to fit rhythmically with the poem.

Overall, although it told a story; a feel it was a little drawn out and cliched at times. There were of course some bits I did like a lot:
'The way you holler in the morning
like a common wench that revels in vulgarity,'
This added a different dimmension to the poem for me - another side not so soppy (blah... I hate soppiness, being the sad, old spinster I am ). But yeah... I'd love to see this explored more. Adds a dark side which is nice.
I also liked the end line. Nice to end on a question.

All said, I'd love to see some more of your poems

[oddball]

Sorry ob

Its too high in the girly factor for my taste. Also some sins comitted - use of ancient language (oft) and forced rhyme (skin, therein, chagrin)

Having said that I do like the fourth stanza where you went off message with the common wench and for that I will forgive you. As a thought, take that stanza as your starting point.

elphin

LOL! Oh, please, don't apologize! I had a hunch this would be way up there on the girly scale. I was actually looking for someone to agree with me!

Glad to be forgiven for the discomfort I put you (and keekee) through. But I doubt I'll do any more work on this. Not really my cup of tea either, more of an experiment to see if I can write something like it.

Hmm... I afraid to say this doesn't really work for me either.

The ancient language seems totally irrelevant to anything 'oft' and completely befuzzled me I'm afraid. 'contours of your back' seemed highly cliche to me and a little obvious for the type of poem you have written. There was also some, seemingly, forced rhyme: 'chagrin' particularly seeming not to fit rhythmically with the poem.

Overall, although it told a story; a feel it was a little drawn out and cliched at times. There were of course some bits I did like a lot:
'The way you holler in the morning
like a common wench that revels in vulgarity,'
This added a different dimmension to the poem for me - another side not so soppy (blah... I hate soppiness, being the sad, old spinster I am ). But yeah... I'd love to see this explored more. Adds a dark side which is nice.
I also liked the end line. Nice to end on a question.

All said, I'd love to see some more of your poems

It's alright, keekee107. Strange as it may sound, I'm actually delighted you find this soppy, because that's also how I find it!

Elphin, keekee, thank you both, seriously. You not only taught me what to avoid, but gave me some measure of confidence assessing my own work.

[TDF]

Oddball,
I'm not gonna comment on the soppyness of this, I like a bit of soppy. Instead I'll just share my opinions on some of the poems elements with you:

the nooks and crannies of you - I understand the intention/image here, but think this turn of phrase isn't appropriate to describe what you mean. It conjures up images of all the little bits of a naked body I'd rather not explore!

with eyes bleak - As has been said about the language (eg oft), I don't think you need to switch the words round here for affect. 'bleak eyes' would work just as well I feel.

my fingers running down
the length of your skin, - again I like the image, but don't like the words/phrase. The skin is a continuous thing, unlike the back or an arm or a nose that has a start/finish/top/bottom etc. Therefore I don;t understand how you can run something the length of it.

The way you holler in the morning
like a common wench that revels in vulgarity, - This line appears popular so far and I concur with that sentiment. It sounds blunt and real and projects a vivid image. A world away from the oft style of before.

to the caprice of memory,
out of necessity, - my first thought was that caprice was too casual or flippant a definition to use to get over something that obviously haunts the writer so much. But I think the 'out of necessity' line give it a nice meaning actually.

due to life's vagary... don't think you need this line tbh.


cheers
TDF

[Richard WH]

Agree with above comments though personally I'm quite happy with "girly" poems and dont like to squash writing into gender boxes.
One thing I did like in this was the twist - or the way it turned from what I thought was a love poem into something quite different. Having said that the word "bleak" early on gave the game away and would have been better left out in order to run smoother.

I'm not sure temper would flare and then swing. Those two seem odd placed one after the other in my opinion.
And though I think the word nestles is rather cliched I do love
Beloved,
soon I will leave the crook
of your elbow

...and I do very much like the idea of the poem and your thought in setting it up
Richard

[oddball]

Oddball,

the nooks and crannies of you - I understand the intention/image here, but think this turn of phrase isn't appropriate to describe what you mean. It conjures up images of all the little bits of a naked body I'd rather not explore!

cheers
TDF

Hehehe. Yes, I kinda opened the idealistic dam there, didn't I? The 'loving every inch of you' b.s.

Thank you, Tom. I'm grateful you took the time to read and comment.

Agree with above comments though personally I'm quite happy with "girly" poems and dont like to squash writing into gender boxes.
One thing I did like in this was the twist - or the way it turned from what I thought was a love poem into something quite different. Having said that the word "bleak" early on gave the game away and would have been better left out in order to run smoother.

I'm not sure temper would flare and then swing. Those two seem odd placed one after the other in my opinion.
And though I think the word nestles is rather cliched I do love
Beloved,
soon I will leave the crook
of your elbow

...and I do very much like the idea of the poem and your thought in setting it up
Richard

Thank you, Richard. Yes, the 'bleak' was there deliberately as a foreshadowing. It was an attempt to lessen the, erm, lovey-dovey expectations a reader might have on the outset. LOL! Gawd, I guess that and the 'common wench' line are my natural inclination towards realism peeking, huh?

Thanks again, guys. Much appreciated.