I wish I could make the compromise,
as I tattoo three years with a tick.
You said I should settle for the ‘duck’,
dollar signs smothered your sympathy.
Yet as I clutch my sketch in sure hands,
I fear my ‘lame’ dolphin is in fact
a poisoned skull.
I've decided.
It took me a few mintues to get this one, but once I did I liked it. The only suggestion I can think of is to tweak the first two lines to "I wish to make you a comprimise, as I ha ve tattoed three years with a tick," because you start talking to the other person, so it seems awkward in the transition.keekee107 wrote:I wish I could make the compromise,
as I tattoo three years with a tick.
You say I should settle for the ‘duck’,
dollar signs smother your sympathy.
Yet as I clutch my sketch in sure hands,
I fear my ‘lame’ dolphin is in fact
a poisoned skull.
Thanks for sharing,
Milu
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
kk
I must be having an off day as I cannot fathom what this is about. Help me -is it about choosing a tattoo? How do the dollar signs fit in? Can dolphins be lame? Can be skulls be posioned?
Anyway if you can work at this one maybe you could post it on the bones topic in the Competition - if not this one then hopefully you will find something to submit. Its all for fun.
Elphin
I must be having an off day as I cannot fathom what this is about. Help me -is it about choosing a tattoo? How do the dollar signs fit in? Can dolphins be lame? Can be skulls be posioned?
Anyway if you can work at this one maybe you could post it on the bones topic in the Competition - if not this one then hopefully you will find something to submit. Its all for fun.
Elphin
I'm kinda with Elphin on this one, I am a little lost. So instead of a crit, I'm going to attempt an interpretation.
I wish I could make the compromise,
as I tattoo three years with a tick. - I don't quite get the tick(consent form?), but I'm guessing the relationship was 3 years long? the tattoos tell the story?
You said I should settle for the ‘duck’,
dollar signs smothered your sympathy. - The duck tattoo was cheap, she couldn't be arsed waiting for you to decide?
Yet as I clutch my sketch in sure hands,
I fear my ‘lame’ dolphin is in fact - The sketch of the tattoo you wanted that you took to the artist is of a cool dolphin. But she thinks it's just lame, so
a poisoned skull. - it has become a symbol of everything you hate about the relationship and her?
am I close?
TDF
I wish I could make the compromise,
as I tattoo three years with a tick. - I don't quite get the tick(consent form?), but I'm guessing the relationship was 3 years long? the tattoos tell the story?
You said I should settle for the ‘duck’,
dollar signs smothered your sympathy. - The duck tattoo was cheap, she couldn't be arsed waiting for you to decide?
Yet as I clutch my sketch in sure hands,
I fear my ‘lame’ dolphin is in fact - The sketch of the tattoo you wanted that you took to the artist is of a cool dolphin. But she thinks it's just lame, so
a poisoned skull. - it has become a symbol of everything you hate about the relationship and her?
am I close?
TDF
meh and bah are wonderful words
Thanks for the comments guys. 
Sadly this is just a product of trying to write something when my mind is set on something else. And the result - a poem I actually don't like, on reflection. Gahh... ah well. What this actually is about? Erm... the tattoo is a metaphor taken way too far. It's actually about choosing where to go for university, hence the 'three years' - and which, if I do decide to work at this, I may better allude to in the title next time.
In short, I have a choice between two unis. One is close to home and will be greatly beneficial financially - of which my parents are greatly encouraging. The other is further away and my dream: 'the dolphin' - of which my parents think is rather 'lame' due to the benefits of the other. And yet although I can see what they are saying/thinking, my heart wants the dolphin choice and I'll have to be strong if I can persuade them. Yet all along I fear my dream may not quite be as it seems and actually turn into a 'the poisoned skull'.
So yeah, a load of tripe that doesn't make sense. Teaches me to write when I'm in one of these moods. Now for the decision that I've apparently decided... but not... gahhh!
And yeah, I probably will have a go at the competition when I have time. Not with this though! Lol.
Sadly this is just a product of trying to write something when my mind is set on something else. And the result - a poem I actually don't like, on reflection. Gahh... ah well. What this actually is about? Erm... the tattoo is a metaphor taken way too far. It's actually about choosing where to go for university, hence the 'three years' - and which, if I do decide to work at this, I may better allude to in the title next time.
In short, I have a choice between two unis. One is close to home and will be greatly beneficial financially - of which my parents are greatly encouraging. The other is further away and my dream: 'the dolphin' - of which my parents think is rather 'lame' due to the benefits of the other. And yet although I can see what they are saying/thinking, my heart wants the dolphin choice and I'll have to be strong if I can persuade them. Yet all along I fear my dream may not quite be as it seems and actually turn into a 'the poisoned skull'.
So yeah, a load of tripe that doesn't make sense. Teaches me to write when I'm in one of these moods. Now for the decision that I've apparently decided... but not... gahhh!
And yeah, I probably will have a go at the competition when I have time. Not with this though! Lol.
kk
don't bin this one - using the choosing of a tattoo as a metaphor for bigger decisions is a clever idea. I think its the dollar signs line that makes it too specific but still doesn't explain. Let it lie a while.
I must be an old fart, I have a daughter making the same decision as you. She has decided to go away and I fully support her in that choice.
Keep posting
Elphin
don't bin this one - using the choosing of a tattoo as a metaphor for bigger decisions is a clever idea. I think its the dollar signs line that makes it too specific but still doesn't explain. Let it lie a while.
I must be an old fart, I have a daughter making the same decision as you. She has decided to go away and I fully support her in that choice.
Keep posting
Elphin
I loved the piece MORE after reading your explanation.Maybe , giving some more clues to the reader is necessary.
Enjoyed the piece.
Cheers.
Enjoyed the piece.
Cheers.
ah yeah, interesting to read your intentions. It does make good sense, once I know the meaning! So I think if you want to make it clearly interpretable, then yes you need to add a little more support for the intended images, albeit in a subtle way. But I think it does work in it's ambiguity also.
As an aside, regarding uni choice. Remember it is you that has to spend the 3 years there, so it should be the decision that makes you feel most comfortable. By all means listen to advice and reason, but don;t be convinced against what your gut tells you. That's my advice anyway.
Good luck with your choice, with your uni, and with your poems!
Tom
As an aside, regarding uni choice. Remember it is you that has to spend the 3 years there, so it should be the decision that makes you feel most comfortable. By all means listen to advice and reason, but don;t be convinced against what your gut tells you. That's my advice anyway.
Good luck with your choice, with your uni, and with your poems!
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
I must admit after your explanation, it is a bit more clearer but i still feel it needs development. A bit abstract for me and the themes arent fully recognisable. I do like some of the imagery though.
Dont be disheartened, keep working
Dont be disheartened, keep working
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell