My father died one night in May,
rambling his last hours away:
extra morphine for the pain
eased him on his way again.
I spent that night beside his bed
in wait for that elusive breath,
that stands aside and lets in Death.
In the hospital ward
my mother was told
that she must rest.
She just grew cold
and never got dressed.
........................
(an oldie re-written)
Gone - (first verse moved to last + extra line)
I enjoy the first stanza, especially the final cuplet. "she just grew cold-and never got dressed". I like the suggestion of death or the waiting of it and the attitude of almost not caring. That along with the rhyme scheme and tempo sets the tone of a somewhat lighthearted and blunt view of, acccording to the title, a very sad topic. However, when I reach the second stanza, though the tone stays the same, the shift from the mothers ambiguouse state to the fathers certain death seems to steer the poem into another direction. I would not be bothered by this except all that follows is the final stanza that does not conclude or even give mention to the mother, her perdicament or your final thoughts of her.
I understand that perhaps the point is you don't care about the mother because she might as well be "gone" or any other of the infinite reasons out there, and not that I necessarily believe that a poem needs to read like a story and tie up every stanza, I just feel like i want more. She was what grabbed me in the begining and now it's just you, your dad, and that gentleman of a breath.
Which brings me to the conclusion. Simply put, gorgeous image. I like how it stays true to the overall tone of the poem, a complacent and detached view of death that I can only imagine would become necessary when dealing with the death of a parent.
My only critisim here would be in the use of the word "elusive". An "elusive breathe" , to me, sounds like the breathe is a leprechaun escaping over the rainbow and would never "stand aside", for anyone let alone "death". Anyway, that;s just personal opinion. The stanza and image works no matter what. .
I understand that perhaps the point is you don't care about the mother because she might as well be "gone" or any other of the infinite reasons out there, and not that I necessarily believe that a poem needs to read like a story and tie up every stanza, I just feel like i want more. She was what grabbed me in the begining and now it's just you, your dad, and that gentleman of a breath.
Which brings me to the conclusion. Simply put, gorgeous image. I like how it stays true to the overall tone of the poem, a complacent and detached view of death that I can only imagine would become necessary when dealing with the death of a parent.
My only critisim here would be in the use of the word "elusive". An "elusive breathe" , to me, sounds like the breathe is a leprechaun escaping over the rainbow and would never "stand aside", for anyone let alone "death". Anyway, that;s just personal opinion. The stanza and image works no matter what. .
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
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Great stuff, Barrie
Your attempt at making light of a situation that happen to all of us, but that we would rather pretend didn't,
is pathetic in every sense of the word; hence it is all the more poignant - I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.
I was puzzled by "again" in S2, but then I saw the pun on "rambling" - nice one.
The last line is a true defintion of "expiring".
G Reaper
Your attempt at making light of a situation that happen to all of us, but that we would rather pretend didn't,
is pathetic in every sense of the word; hence it is all the more poignant - I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.
I was puzzled by "again" in S2, but then I saw the pun on "rambling" - nice one.
The last line is a true defintion of "expiring".
G Reaper
Hi Barrie,
There are no flowery words, nor loud cry, yet the simple, plain language (skillfully executed) makes the poem sound even more heart wrenching. The last two lines are piercing. It is sad to see people are gone one after another.
Best,
Lake
There are no flowery words, nor loud cry, yet the simple, plain language (skillfully executed) makes the poem sound even more heart wrenching. The last two lines are piercing. It is sad to see people are gone one after another.
Best,
Lake
hi barrie,
Lovely simple sentiment here. And the rhyming gives it a sort of gentle/playful feel that contrasts well with the subject matter.
The only sort of nit I have is that the second stanza has more beats than the first, and the last stanza is related to the second. This kinda plays down the importance of the first stanza, almost like father was more important than mother. I'm sure the format is more a reflection of the fact that father died recently, mother longer ago... but it seemed to me like mother was overshadowed.
great poem all the same.
Tom
Lovely simple sentiment here. And the rhyming gives it a sort of gentle/playful feel that contrasts well with the subject matter.
The only sort of nit I have is that the second stanza has more beats than the first, and the last stanza is related to the second. This kinda plays down the importance of the first stanza, almost like father was more important than mother. I'm sure the format is more a reflection of the fact that father died recently, mother longer ago... but it seemed to me like mother was overshadowed.
great poem all the same.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
I'm getting the strangest feeling of deja vu - reading this poem, enjoying its quiet sense of dignified loss, recognising the ghost of Autobiography by Louis MacNeice (see here viewtopic.php?f=2&t=4167&p=26723&hilit= ... phy#p26723) ...
I think it might work better if the whole thing followed the pattern of the first verse, but it works very well as it is.
Cheers
David
I think it might work better if the whole thing followed the pattern of the first verse, but it works very well as it is.
Cheers
David
This brought me back to my dad's bedside and his final moments. It's only over the last few months that his death has begun to hurt me, and that's eight years on.
Thank you, Doctor.
Thank you, Doctor.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry
I like this although one part doesnt quiet work for me. Having said that I think that poetry is subjective in its nature and what works for one might not for another.
The bit that I get stuck on each time I read it is..
"extra morphine for the pain
eased him on his way again."
I think the problem my brain has is that "again" doesnt work for me. Oh dear criticising a moderator that's not a good start
Love this line
"in wait for that elusive breath,
that stands aside and lets in Death."
Such a good picture painted in words ...As per the other poster took me back to my dads bedside when he died.
The bit that I get stuck on each time I read it is..
"extra morphine for the pain
eased him on his way again."
I think the problem my brain has is that "again" doesnt work for me. Oh dear criticising a moderator that's not a good start
Love this line
"in wait for that elusive breath,
that stands aside and lets in Death."
Such a good picture painted in words ...As per the other poster took me back to my dads bedside when he died.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Barrie,
I find this sort of verse quite difficult to comment on because there's always that indeterminate boundary between being something personal (thus faultless) and being a poem in its own right. I get the feeling that if I crit the poem, then I also crit the message and feeling. And I'm sure, too, that you know what I mean.
You're really cutting down to an eloquent minimalism at the moment and this is a good example of that. I think, though, with minimalism, there's got to be a certain surprise. I'm in two minds as to whether you accomplish this. The final rhyme is predictable, inevitable and very satisfying, and yet there's still a sense of bludgeoning about it. The poem doesn't really push beyond death, does it? Of course, then, one could say the poem matches the finality of the topic, but I often find arguments like that - the kind of 'the metre is boring because the subject is boring' thing - a tad unsatisfying. I mean, one can just be too savagely mimetic in a poem, and I think this one, maybe, is a little deterministic.
Perhaps mess about with the order? The poem is really a case of two halves. The first, a more euphemistic portrayal of death, and the second, a more blunt (but characteristically articulate) depiction. Perhaps you could provide some longevity, or 'readability' factor into the poem by making the more ambigious beginning of the poem the end of it. What you'd have then is, instead of just shutting the door on the thing, something that was a bit more ajar (wow, I really am churning out the tacky metaphors this afternoon, aren't I?). Also, by having the more solid description of death end the poem, the father half seems to merely summarise the mother part - if you changed it around, perhaps the mother part (or a new section) could make the beginning a little more elusive and thus, I think, compelling. End on the ambiguity of death, not its rigidity. (if you moved S1 to the end then the sounds of 'dressed' and 'rest' would accrue the echo of 'death')
I dunno if that helps or not
Dave
I find this sort of verse quite difficult to comment on because there's always that indeterminate boundary between being something personal (thus faultless) and being a poem in its own right. I get the feeling that if I crit the poem, then I also crit the message and feeling. And I'm sure, too, that you know what I mean.
You're really cutting down to an eloquent minimalism at the moment and this is a good example of that. I think, though, with minimalism, there's got to be a certain surprise. I'm in two minds as to whether you accomplish this. The final rhyme is predictable, inevitable and very satisfying, and yet there's still a sense of bludgeoning about it. The poem doesn't really push beyond death, does it? Of course, then, one could say the poem matches the finality of the topic, but I often find arguments like that - the kind of 'the metre is boring because the subject is boring' thing - a tad unsatisfying. I mean, one can just be too savagely mimetic in a poem, and I think this one, maybe, is a little deterministic.
Perhaps mess about with the order? The poem is really a case of two halves. The first, a more euphemistic portrayal of death, and the second, a more blunt (but characteristically articulate) depiction. Perhaps you could provide some longevity, or 'readability' factor into the poem by making the more ambigious beginning of the poem the end of it. What you'd have then is, instead of just shutting the door on the thing, something that was a bit more ajar (wow, I really am churning out the tacky metaphors this afternoon, aren't I?). Also, by having the more solid description of death end the poem, the father half seems to merely summarise the mother part - if you changed it around, perhaps the mother part (or a new section) could make the beginning a little more elusive and thus, I think, compelling. End on the ambiguity of death, not its rigidity. (if you moved S1 to the end then the sounds of 'dressed' and 'rest' would accrue the echo of 'death')
I dunno if that helps or not
Dave
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
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He wrote it first time, Brian, and there it was in the FEATUED POEMS section.Wabznasm wrote:Barrie,
The poem is really a case of two halves.
Ron Manager
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William Xel Ray
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 4:41 am
- Contact:
Hello there.
I like the simplicity of this, The first Stanza has a strict meaning it seems.
In the second, it almost looks like an aabb format for the end, with may and away, pain and again. Yet the again doesn't fit as well for me. Yet it does work.
The last two lines are very nice. Especially the last line which I feel is worded fantastically.
The first and last stanza are great in my opinion, the second just doesn't get to me as solid, not just the again. Maybe because it stands alone to me. Even though the last stanza directly ties in with it I would think. Yet its not dependent on that.
Its a really nicely worded piece, I enjoyed taking a look at it.
~Xel
I like the simplicity of this, The first Stanza has a strict meaning it seems.
In the second, it almost looks like an aabb format for the end, with may and away, pain and again. Yet the again doesn't fit as well for me. Yet it does work.
The last two lines are very nice. Especially the last line which I feel is worded fantastically.
The first and last stanza are great in my opinion, the second just doesn't get to me as solid, not just the again. Maybe because it stands alone to me. Even though the last stanza directly ties in with it I would think. Yet its not dependent on that.
Its a really nicely worded piece, I enjoyed taking a look at it.
~Xel
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stuartryder
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: Warrington, UK
Hi Barrie
I think I prefer your mystic musings than this more person-al piece. I don't like the way it switches from witty epigram to serious sentiment.
Only my humble opinyings.
Stuart
I think I prefer your mystic musings than this more person-al piece. I don't like the way it switches from witty epigram to serious sentiment.
Only my humble opinyings.
Stuart
Tim -
(for Tom’s benefit as well) Just to clarify one or two points:- My mother died unexpectedly after a routine operation. The last time I saw she was told that she needed to rest. What’s perceived as lack of feeling is just my reflection on her isolation when she died.
My father died of cancer twelve years before my mother. He died at home. I’d asked the doctor to give him extra morphine because of the ever increasing pain, so the doctor, me and my father knew that his time was up. I waited by his bedside until he died a few hours later.
I felt the same for the both of them, it’s just the circumstances of their deaths that influenced the tone.
The ‘elusive breath’ is the one that never comes in - death does. Believe me, it’s very real when you’re listening, waiting for it.
Geoff - Glad you saw the link between ‘rambling’ and ‘again’. When this happened I was reading and thinking a lot about reincarnation - I’d just read ‘The Egyptian Book of the Dead’, and just after he died I was imagining all sorts of scenarios. So ‘again’ has more than one meaning here.
Lake - I left out emotion because everyone has their own way of dealing with death, besides, I don’t think I could find anything new to say.
Tom - I’ve combined my reply to you along with Tim’s .
David - I remember the link, I replied to it. Déjà vu, indeed.
Oskar - Funny how we deal with grief, took about six months before my parents deaths affected me.
wabbit - Crticising a moderator’s a damn good start. There’s an explanation to the ‘again’ thing in my reply to Geoff.
Funny, the day you joined I'd been watching ‘What’s opera, Doc?’ - The one where Elmer Fudd sings ‘Kill da wabbit’. Brilliant stuff.
Merl - Any Dylan Thomas influence - not that I know of, but I couldn’t say for sure.
Dave - Interesting that you should mention reversing the verses. As I said earlier, my father was the first to die and originally I did have the verses in the order you suggested. You may be right here.
Dear Ron Manager
Thanks Xel - and welcome.
Thanks Ded - Feature, eh?
Stu - The first verse wasn’t intended as a witty epigram, just the stripped down version of what it was like. I would visit when I could, and because I lived some distance away, it was often outside visiting hours - I think the suggestion of her getting some rest was a polite way of getting me out of the ward. Anyway, that’s the last time I saw her. It all seemed very cold and clinical, and still does.
I’d be interested to know what anyone else thinks of Dave’s suggestion about moving verse one to the end (in chronological order). Would it work better?
Thank you all
Barrie
(for Tom’s benefit as well) Just to clarify one or two points:- My mother died unexpectedly after a routine operation. The last time I saw she was told that she needed to rest. What’s perceived as lack of feeling is just my reflection on her isolation when she died.
My father died of cancer twelve years before my mother. He died at home. I’d asked the doctor to give him extra morphine because of the ever increasing pain, so the doctor, me and my father knew that his time was up. I waited by his bedside until he died a few hours later.
I felt the same for the both of them, it’s just the circumstances of their deaths that influenced the tone.
The ‘elusive breath’ is the one that never comes in - death does. Believe me, it’s very real when you’re listening, waiting for it.
Geoff - Glad you saw the link between ‘rambling’ and ‘again’. When this happened I was reading and thinking a lot about reincarnation - I’d just read ‘The Egyptian Book of the Dead’, and just after he died I was imagining all sorts of scenarios. So ‘again’ has more than one meaning here.
Lake - I left out emotion because everyone has their own way of dealing with death, besides, I don’t think I could find anything new to say.
Tom - I’ve combined my reply to you along with Tim’s .
David - I remember the link, I replied to it. Déjà vu, indeed.
Oskar - Funny how we deal with grief, took about six months before my parents deaths affected me.
wabbit - Crticising a moderator’s a damn good start. There’s an explanation to the ‘again’ thing in my reply to Geoff.
Funny, the day you joined I'd been watching ‘What’s opera, Doc?’ - The one where Elmer Fudd sings ‘Kill da wabbit’. Brilliant stuff.
Merl - Any Dylan Thomas influence - not that I know of, but I couldn’t say for sure.
Dave - Interesting that you should mention reversing the verses. As I said earlier, my father was the first to die and originally I did have the verses in the order you suggested. You may be right here.
Dear Ron Manager
- Don't you mean feechud - Manchester accent please.twoleftfeet wrote:He wrote it first time, Brian, and there it was in the FEATUED POEMS section.
Thanks Xel - and welcome.
Thanks Ded - Feature, eh?
Stu - The first verse wasn’t intended as a witty epigram, just the stripped down version of what it was like. I would visit when I could, and because I lived some distance away, it was often outside visiting hours - I think the suggestion of her getting some rest was a polite way of getting me out of the ward. Anyway, that’s the last time I saw her. It all seemed very cold and clinical, and still does.
I’d be interested to know what anyone else thinks of Dave’s suggestion about moving verse one to the end (in chronological order). Would it work better?
Thank you all
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
barrie
I have read this a few times and found it hard to say anything in a crit sense but the two halves of the poem continually troubled me. I know you are deliberate therefore I thought I was missing something in the different treatments of the deaths and structures of the stanzas. Now I have read the comments and your own thoughts I do think Wabs suggestion is a good one. Alternatively I had been thinking that this could be two poems but linked as part of a Death Sequence (unoriginal title I know) but each separately titled. Then I think it begs for a third.
Oh and the final couplet is very good.
elphin
I have read this a few times and found it hard to say anything in a crit sense but the two halves of the poem continually troubled me. I know you are deliberate therefore I thought I was missing something in the different treatments of the deaths and structures of the stanzas. Now I have read the comments and your own thoughts I do think Wabs suggestion is a good one. Alternatively I had been thinking that this could be two poems but linked as part of a Death Sequence (unoriginal title I know) but each separately titled. Then I think it begs for a third.
Oh and the final couplet is very good.
elphin
Thanks Elph - I think I'll go with Daves suggestion and swap the verses over.
cheers
Barrie
- Begs for a third? Are you suggesting that I write my own elegy? When I come up with something insulting enough, I will. Something to rhyme with sat.....hmm....Elphin wrote:Alternatively I had been thinking that this could be two poems but linked as part of a Death Sequence (unoriginal title I know) but each separately titled. Then I think it begs for a third.
cheers
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
Elphin wrote:Wouldn't we all like to script our exit and our elegy?
New competition, anyone?
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
hey barrie,
cheers for the explaination, I certainly wasn't suggesting you loved one parent more than the other.
As to the change... I'm not sure, although my doubts are similar to what they were before. As much as I love all 3 stanzas, I'm not sure they work together like this. With the new order, I find myself not taking (the new) s3 as describing death, but rather a description of how your mother coped with your dad's death. I interpret it emotionaly, rather than physically - words such as cold for example, now suggest detachment rather than death to me. so hmmm, on reflection, actually, I think I like that ambiguity...
I'm sorry I'm talking about this so much, it is such a sensitive subject - I am trying to tackle this purely on a poetic level, rather than a personal one.
Tom
cheers for the explaination, I certainly wasn't suggesting you loved one parent more than the other.
As to the change... I'm not sure, although my doubts are similar to what they were before. As much as I love all 3 stanzas, I'm not sure they work together like this. With the new order, I find myself not taking (the new) s3 as describing death, but rather a description of how your mother coped with your dad's death. I interpret it emotionaly, rather than physically - words such as cold for example, now suggest detachment rather than death to me. so hmmm, on reflection, actually, I think I like that ambiguity...
I'm sorry I'm talking about this so much, it is such a sensitive subject - I am trying to tackle this purely on a poetic level, rather than a personal one.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
- I see what you mean, I never considered that. Problems, problems...maybe I should have left it alone.TDF wrote:With the new order, I find myself not taking (the new) s3 as describing death, but rather a description of how your mother coped with your dad's death.
cheers Tom
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
I dunno, Baz. That new line looks a bit too much like a stage direction now. And I'm still looking for a fourth line (or, probably, a second line) in S2.
It's taking a long time to land this one, but don't cut your line yet.
Cheers
David
It's taking a long time to land this one, but don't cut your line yet.
Cheers
David