Cataloguing the Attic (Collected renamed)

[Elphin]

Revision 3

Paperbacks, unpacked from a Jaffa box,
timber the attic. Asimov to Zephaniah
by way of Keneally - each one displays,
in various shades, the jaundice of isolation
that makes skin flake,
and arthritic spines creak
a weak conceit that anyone can be
a hardback, of coffee table quality.

Pull on a dress jacket to cover the cracks,
demand testimonials be tattooed;
these would prove I am not yet unglued
by this letter from you – rediscovered -
slipped between the pages of Plath,
that are carefully separated from Hughes.

There is no need to read between its lines,
tight script and the slightest of words,
that forever dismiss the chaos of what ifs
and thoughts of what might have been.

Re-folded, at just the right angle,
and replaced in the order, of alphabet and genre,
I stick to my words, flick open MacCaig.


REVISION 2

Paperbacks, unpacked from a Jaffa box,
timber the attic. Asimov to Zephaniah
by way of Keneally; each one displays,
in various shades, the jaundice of isolation
that makes skin flake.

Their arthritic spines creak a weak conceit,
that anyone can be a hardback
of coffee table quality. Pull on a dress jacket
to cover the cracks, demand testimonials
be tattooed;

these would prove I am not yet unglued
by this letter from you, rediscovered,
slipped between the sheets of Plath,
that are carefully separated from Hughes.

There is no need to read between its lines,
tight script and the slightest of words
that forever dismiss the chaos of what ifs
and thoughts of what might have been.

Re-folded, at just the right angle, and replaced,
I return to the order, of alphabet and genre,
stick to my words, flick open MacCaig.


REVISION

Paperbacks, unpacked from a Jaffa box,
timber the hall. Asimov to Zephaniah
by way of Keneally; each one displays,
in various shades, the jaundice of isolation
that makes skin flake.

An arthritic spine creaks its weak conceit,
that anyone can be a hardback
of coffee table quality.
Pull on a dress jacket to cover the cracks,
and demand testimonials be tattooed;
these would prove I am not yet unglued
by this letter from you.

I had no need
to read between its lines,
with the slightest of words, it was clear -
I could now dismiss the chaos of what ifs
and thoughts of what might have been.
With the solace of order, of alphabet and genre,
I’ll stick to my words and remain
collected.

FIRST VERSE REMOVED
With play-offs and promotions decided,
this Grand Prix-less Sunday is set
for a bloke to catalogue his collection.

ORIGINAL
Paperbacks, unpacked from a Jaffa box,
timber the hall. Azimov to Zephaniah
by way of Keneally; each one displays,

in various shades, the jaundice of isolation
that makes skin flake. An arthritic spine
creaks its weak conceit – that anyone

can be a hardback of coffee table quality.
Pull on a dress jacket to cover the cracks,
have glowing testimonials tattooed;

these would prove I am not yet unglued

by your rejection that must remain hypothetical;
thoughts dismissed of before and thereafter
I’ll stick to the order of alphabetical.

alternative final stanza
by your rejection, always hypothetical;
I can't allow thoughts of its chronology
disrupt the orderliness of alphabetical.

[TDF]

Elphin,

As ever a very carefully selected choice of language and structure. Some lovely images in there, concisely put.
I'm not totally convinced by the stanza breaks between 1, 2 and 3. They reflect the ordered piles of books nicely, but with that in mind it almost felt like a book was torn in two, with a half on one stack, then the other half on the next. Does that make sense?

On-the-whole I enjoyed the second half more than the first I think, because the message and personification really comes through, very enjoyably. And in contrast to my early comment, I liked the stanza breaks in the second half, thought they worked very well.

nice one.
Tom

[barrie]

Some well chosen words scattered abour here - nice rhymes/ half-rhymes, internal and end.

displays - shades
isolation - anyone
makes - flake
creaks its weak conceit - excellent
hardback - jack(et) - cracks
tattoed - prove - unglued

I like the rhymes in the final tercet but maybe you could adjust your rhythm.

by your rejection, always hypothetical;
thoughts dismissed of before and thereafter
I’ll stick to the order of alphabetical. - Maybe you could be accused of twisting syntax to make a rhyme, but I think it works here.

Great use of language Elph, most impressive.

A poem with a strong heart -

An arthritic spine
creaks its weak conceit – that anyone

can be a hardback of coffee table quality.
Pull on a dress jacket to cover the cracks,
have glowing testimonials tattooed;

these would prove I am not yet unglued

by your rejection - clever stuff.

Like I said, I'm impressed.

Barrie

[k-j]

Really enjoyed this - scrumptious language: "creaks its weak conceit", "tattooed / unglued". "The jaundice of isolation" is a great image. And perfect punctuation throughout.

I found the last stanza a bit of a let down - the last line in particular. "I'll stick to the order of alphabetical" is forced and out of kilter with the preceding. "Thoughts dismissed of before and thereafter" is too vague for me - before and after before? Is that the time up til now, now, or the future? The idea of the rejection works but otherwise these lines need rewriting.

[Elphin]

Tom,k-j, barrie

Tom - i'll ponder those stanza breaks but some disarray is intended.

barrie and k-j - fair observations on the last stanza. I have put up an alternative for consideration.

Ta much

elphin

[Gene van Troyer]

If you mean the science fiction writer Isaac Asimov, you might need to correct the spelling of "Azimov."

That last line had a contorted syntax that didn't quite work for me. I kept thinking:

I’ll stick to an order that's alphabetical.

[Wabznasm]

Elph, a few things.

Could you substitute 'rejected' with something more booky? Seems a bit glib to me.

How much does the rhyme scheme matter to you? Because the final line is a bit off in my opinion. YOu could really have a punch if you worked it into something like:

I’ll stick to the DUM-DUM (something with two beats here) and alphabetical order. (rhymes, vaguely, with thereafter)

I can't really work out why you've sorted your stanzas into such neat shapes. Apart from cleanilness they don't really add anything, and the enjambment is rather severe at points.

This was good though, I liked it a lot. A nice conceit that you worked in pretty freshly. This may seem an odd comment, but the second last line is stunning. It's a perfect poetry line that doesn't rely on imagery or anything smart. Just very well ordered words.
Dave

[Bombadil]

Ah. Fuck, I've been away a while, and I think I'm suffering from heat exhaustion...so this might not be a genuine review...


I think the word choice, as has been noted, is indeed quite good. What it seems that this poem lacks is a definite voice. I'm not sure who's talking, or, for that matter, what this person's talking about.

Throw me a bone.

Cheers,

Keith

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Elph,

I agree 99.9 percent with Barrie about the poem's strong points, but I find myself agreeing with K-J about the
ending:
by your rejection that must remain hypothetical;
thoughts dismissed of before and thereafter
I’ll stick to the order of alphabetical.
- GVT's idea of " I’ll stick to an order that's alphabetical " would improve the last line, I think, but I can't get my
brain-cell around the idea of a "hypothetical" rejection, and am left with the feeling that you were stuck for a
rhyme. If I'm sounding harsh, it's because the rest of the poem, being so strong, deserves better IMHO.
"Alphabetic" is a possible alternative rhyme..

Despite the above reservation, it's still a terrific effort
Geoff

btw I saw a job advert the other day that read (something like)
"the applicant must be well-educated - both literate and numerical"

[David]

This is a good one, elph, but I agree with the caveats about the final stanza. I think it needs to purtied up a bit if it's going to stand comparison with what leads up to it.

It's a bit like High Fidelity (the film) with books.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Thanks all for your inputs.

The main points coming through are I think- last stanza is a slave to rhyme with poor syntax in last line so it has to go, secondly there needs to be more voice, thirdly the line breaks are harsh and not necessarily contributing.

So I have posted a rework. There is a new first stanza that I removed before originally posting - I am hoping it adds context and voice. The last stanza is new and the line breaks and structure have been softened.

The subject of the letter is deliberately ambiguous - I am interested in interpretations as to what is going on.

Ta much

elphin

[barrie]

The rewrite is better except for one thing. I don't think you need the new, introductory first verse, it doesn't do justice to what follows - it detracts rather than adds.

Barrie.

[twoleftfeet]

The rewrite is better except for one thing. I don't think you need the new, introductory first verse, it doesn't do justice to what follows - it detracts rather than adds.

Barrie.

I'll second that!

[Elphin]

barrie/geoff

consider it gone. I knew there was a reason it didn't make the cut into the original.

Ta

elph

[Elphin]

Unashamed bump - first verse gone and general rework to Revision 2.

Ta

elph

[barrie]

Well worth a bump - this has got good.

these would prove I am not yet unglued
by that letter from you. I find it again now
slipped between sheets of Plath,
that are carefully separated from Hughes.

A job well done

Barrie

[k-j]

I agree, it's a big improvement - reads smoothly. I don't like the one-word last line, always prefer to see that word moved back, maybe replace the "and" with a comma to add weight. A great re-working.