.
-
seeksthebalance
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 3:38 pm
- Location: Leicester
I love this description, it really gives atmosphere to the poem.The street lamp
looks downcast like
a head-less stale lager
with no soul tonight
My only real issue here is with the words 'asphalt pavement', which trip over each other a bit. Consider using one or the other of them, but not both.
Hope that's useful.
Seeks.
thank you Seeks
I have revised the poem - I saw some glaring nits
Nature of part time work
The amber lit street stares
at one tyre-tread
impression
beside the shallow puddles
of the asphalt
The street lamp
looks downcast like
a head-less stale lager
with no soul tonight
The restaurant spruiker
waits for some patrons,
sighs ,lights a smoke
and bevels the blinds
A solitary taxi crawls
past the front door;
its headlights en-lighten
the keyhole, so i can turn in
for an early night.
I have revised the poem - I saw some glaring nits
Nature of part time work
The amber lit street stares
at one tyre-tread
impression
beside the shallow puddles
of the asphalt
The street lamp
looks downcast like
a head-less stale lager
with no soul tonight
The restaurant spruiker
waits for some patrons,
sighs ,lights a smoke
and bevels the blinds
A solitary taxi crawls
past the front door;
its headlights en-lighten
the keyhole, so i can turn in
for an early night.
Excuse me...you already revised it...I think.before I saw your edit, I wrote:The sequence is simple and self-explanatory, not much anyone can say on this one but "good job!" A question though: is there something ironic in going back inside, then smoking?
Last edited by pseud on Fri Sep 23, 2005 7:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
