Eternal Awareness (i hope i spelt it right)

[Spike]

Timing is everything, as we start to sink,
Quicksand is choking me slowly,
Drowning in my own demise,
I wont release your hand from my grip,

As my vision fades, i cant see your eyes,
Sinking deeper every second,
We try to make our escape and your hand exceeds mine,
I see you climb out on to the bank, and wave goodbye,

My life flashes infront of my eyes,
I cannot bear a moment without you,
No longer fear of death, where is my redemtion,
Under the soil six feet down,

Clawing my way out from my sandy tomb,
I manage to finally free myself from deaths grasp,
You cast me away as i try to take your hand,
With the devils glare in your eye,

My last vision, You saying goodbye.

[Clinton]

That is incredible, wow, awesome dude.

[dillingworth]

sorry i completely disagree - spike i think you show signs of a fertile imagination but need to avoid cliches like the plague otherwise they'll destroy what's good in your poems:

"Timing is everything"
"My life flashes infront of my eyes"
"six feet down"

&c.

[Spike]

i normally write songs anyway, but im open to critisism and i will bear that in mind in the future, thank you.

[Bombadil]

is clinton also spike?

[Clinton]

is clinton also spike?

Maybe you should quit with the conspiracy theories, bud.

[Spike]

Are you wondering if clinton is moi? Then i will say no, as i dont have the common sense to make to profiles.... Wish i had though

[Bombadil]

huh. okay.

seemed a little over complimentary is all...

[Spike]

i would agree with that, but im not one to complement myself

[Bombadil]

life is one big conspiracy. just depends upon which side of the know you happen to fall.

[camus]

Hi Spike,

I admire your perseverance.

This is a little better than your last poem.

What people need to understand is Poetry is not for the writer its for the benefit of the reader. Poems about how YOU are feeling don't cut the mustard I'm afraid, unless they are specific in their emotions and reasonings, avoiding abstractions. For example:

"Quicksand is choking me slowly" What does that mean? Is the Quicksand symbolic? and if so what of. Why are you drowning in your own demise?

"Sandy tomb" did you bury yourself on a beach, or a sandpit?

Again I'm not having a go, I appreciate you reposting. I'm hoping you'll take this advice and work with it.

You may think who am I to impart this information? Well someone who was not so long ago writing similar stuff as yourself. I have progressed (slightly) but I have progressed, that's what this place is all about after all.

cheers
Kris

[BlueForAQuarter]

<What people need to understand is Poetry is not for the writer its for the benefit of the reader. Poems about how YOU are feeling don't cut the mustard I'm afraid>

Not entirely true. Writing personal poetry is fine... it's sharing it (especially on a public forum) that is the problem. I, of course, am guilty of this myself, so I probably shouldn't talk.

But I will anyway! (ha)

So, if you're used to writing songs, I think you need to remember that lyrics have music backing it up to make it interesting and worth taking note of. Poems depend on the words alone (the words create the rhythm and images), so you have to put extra effort into making it interesting. Like dillingworth said, be careful to avoid the clichés, and some reworking here and there would probably improve it and make it better for sharing.