Bitches to Riches

[didi dave]

together we stand
divided we fall
when you hear the call
you come running for shelter
and with your finger on the trigger
your wanting better
to come knocking on your door
*unfinished*

im not quite sure how to continue this poem. i'm a bit stuck and need some suggestions to be honest if its any help its about how all of us that are working or underclass seem to be shooting each other when we should be firing both barrels at those that keep us poor. and yet thats who we look for for 'help' for things like dole money and housing

[Ros]

Hi Dave,

I'm not a great fan of the 'us and them' mentality myself but poetically, I think you need to get away from the cliches:

together we stand
divided we fall
finger on the trigger
knocking on your door

which really don't say very much new to the reader, and try to use something more concrete - your own experiences, something you've witnessed perhaps that shows the feelings you're trying to get across? You lump workers and underclass together - that's a big swathe of people! - can you show what they should feel united against? Actual examples of how they are tied into the system? I think 'angry' poems can work well, but you need to show us the personal to get the point across. Tricky, I know!

Ros

[didi dave]

i have to admit i do use already established sayings and try to link one to another or bastardise them to something new. one i used in a prose essay i wrote went 'you dont always want what you get'... see what i did there

for a good example of my us and them mentality i have see my other poem on here. (its simply called untitled ) one gripe i have is mostly portrayed in tv and popular culture. getting up at 7, working in the best part of london in an office as a glam-rag journalist from 9-5, working out at the gym then a bubble bath with red wine. that is mainly the minority of people in this country. thats the 'them' part. i love the hoi paloi which i feel i belong to and this is the 'us' part. we have so much personality and stories we can tell much more so than 'them' because of experience i think. i know what its like being a poorly paid worker and on the dole when i didnt want to be at all. so its more hoi paloi vs yuppies and the wealthy my mentality, it still exists and will do for many years yet

i just hope im not trying to justify this to a yuppy thanks for the post though ros, i like that, much appreciated

[Ros]

No, don't reckon I'm a yuppie

So tell us the stories!

[didi dave]

ooh its a story ya want? well there was this one time, at the job centre...

[Ros]

nah, you have to write the poem about it!

[David]

Ah, the hoi polloi. They're so quaint, aren't they? So quaint, and so grubby. Sometimes I have a few of them stretched on the rack while I sit on my verandah after supper, enjoying a sundowner. It's terribly amusing.

Toodle pip

David

[didi dave]

quite were not all innocent, infact thats what this poem is gonna try and point out, i just need the words to come...

more soon!

[arunansu]

Dave,

I liked this. Maybe the end-rhymes were a bit forced.

[jsabian]

Interesting thread - maybe reverse the lines to add that twist?

stand we together
fall we divided..

How about ending with knocking on the door, but the echo in the hall, told me you were out. )