Metamorphic (revised)

[Ros]

Each day you step out along the road
not noticing you walk atop a ridge,
precipices and scree to either side.
Balanced on the edge of things,
you can only choose which way
to fall. You reach to the future
but your arms fail. Glance down,
feel how crystals hold together
only because you believe it
that way. Faults are common
in this crust of earth; feel it split
and crack, a brittle thinness.
You pause, look back into the mist
and see the past, moments when your foot
slipped and hung like a cartoon villain
over emptiness. The rocks scar
where fingers scrabble; dust
outlines a solitary print.
Nothing more remains;
see how you trod on darkness.


~
This is a revision of a poem I posted a while ago - I'd appreciate your opinions now. I haven't reused the old thread as it got rather Jasper'd!

[brianedwards]

Solid draft. My take follows:


Each day you step along the road
not noticing you walk atop a ridge,
a precipice on either side. Balanced
on the edge of things, you
can only choose which way to fall.
You reach to the future
but your arms fail. Glance down
and feel how crystals hold together.
Faults are common in this crust of earth.
You feel it split and crack, look back
into the mist and see
moments when your foot slipped
and hung like a cartoon villain.
Rocks scar where fingers scrabble,
dust outlines a solitary print.
Nothing remains—
see how you trod on darkness.


~~~~~
Take or leave. Spit or swallow.

B.

[Marc]

Hold on, I'm going to do a quick Brian impersonation:
Does anyone actually say/use 'atop' anymore?


Marc

[tool]

deas rose



Dear rose

The authorship of this poem;

The lottery effort is vague no intense feeling;

Selected anxious bits were nothing marvelous;

No pugnacity to live against the crags where one hangs;

nothing that gives, but to pension them off;

no graphic power to fight, no elevation, just illuminated poverty

in the writing; the poem has no self-reliance.

One would say a rather absurd narcissism;

In terms wanting crittered straight away;

[brianedwards]

Hold on, I'm going to do a quick Brian impersonation:
Does anyone actually say/use 'atop' anymore?


Marc

Yeah, good call. Suggest "along".

B.

~

[David]

How about "athwart"?

[ray miller]

precipices is a difficult word to get your tongue round isn't it?
I best liked "moments when your foot slipped and hung like a cartoon villain over emptiness". I felt it began and ended well enough, the bits in the middle from "You reach to the future.....you believe it that way" I felt didn't add very much.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Ros,
The general consensus seems to be "atop" must go - I won't disagree.
I'd go for something that might imply wire-walking e.g. "traverse".

No one seems to like
only because you believe it
that way.
- it depends how metaphysical you want the poem to sound, I suppose. It's already pulling strongly in that direction,
it seems to me.

My only nit is:
Your arms fail
- sounds mechanical, almost "Flail" would be OK come to think of it.

Oh, and maybe "darkness". Do you mean it to end so bleakly? (OK I realise there are other interpretations)

Geoff

[Michelle]

look back
into the mist and see
moments when your foot slipped

I agree with Brian, I was going to say you didn't really need the part about the past.

This part didn't really deliver for me 'Balanced on the edge of things,/you can only choose which way/to fall.' The rest of the language is really beautiful, so I felt these lines went a little flat.

I really like 'The rocks scar/where fingers scrabble'.

Very nice, Ros!

[Ros]

Not revised enough, I see! Thanks all for the comments. I'll see what I can do.

Ros

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Ros,

I'm new to this board, but wanted to offer a suggestion. I too believe "atop" is antiquated, and as has been suggested by the other posters, you should use another synonym, or change the line.


Each day you step out along the road
not noticing you walk atop a ridge,

***someone suggested traverse, which is good, or perhaps "you walk the ridge's peak, or summit."

Faults are common
in this crust of earth; feel it split
and crack, a brittle thinness.
You pause, look back into the mist
and see the past,

***I like these lines! You paint a nice picture with words, and these images remain in the reader's mind.

moments when your foot
slipped and hung like a cartoon villain

***From my point of view the "cartoon villain" detracts from an otherwise
impressive poem. Just my opinion.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece, and hope you keep posting.

Best,

Tamara

[Arian]

Hi Ros,

I liked this.
Personally, I couldn’t see what’s wrong with atop. I don’t think it sounds archaic at all. On the other hand, I found the sudden switch from the (powerful) active voice to the imperative at line 7, then back again, a bit awkward. I’d prefer old-fashioned continuity of tense (in such a short piece). My suggestion would be (minor changes):

Each day you step out along the road
not noticing you walk atop a ridge,
precipice and scree to either side.
Balanced on the edge of things,
you can only choose which way
to fall, but reaching to the future
your arms fail. Glancing down,
you feel how crystals hold together, but
only because you believe it
that way. Faults are common
in this crust of earth: you feel it split
and crack, a brittle thinness.
You pause, look back into the mist
and see your past - moments when your foot
slipped and hung like a cartoon villain
over emptiness. The rocks scar
where fingers scrabble, and dust
outlines a solitary print.
Nothing more remains. See
how you trod on darkness.

But whatever, I enjoyed the read. Your usual strong stuff.

Cheers
peter

[Ros]

Tamara, thanks for the read and careful comments.

Peter, thanks, I wonder if sometimes we rule words out as archaic too often. Better than cliche, after all! The imperative there was intentional, so I'm not sure about your comment on that. I'll have a think.

Ros

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Ros,

Personally, I like archaic language, but poetry publishers do not. I was told by a Poetry Editor that words like "atop," are not part of every day language, so we shouldn't use them in the poetry of today.

At any rate, it was just a suggestion.

Best,

Tamara

[Ros]

Thanks, Tamara, I fear you are probably right.