This is No Country for Children

[brianedwards]

This is No Country for Children

Petals floating
on a muddy sea

their yellow caps brighten
the morning stampede.

Insects trapped
inside this tumbler,

they bump their heads—
a wall of grown-ups—

jerky, spasmodic
hesitant attempts

to exit, escape.
One day, contempt

will drive this need
to flee the crowds,

their dreams destroyed
and futures drowned.

They'll turn to drink
and knives, become

their mother's daughters
and father's sons.











~

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

brianedwards wrote:

This is No Country for Children

Petals floating
on a muddy sea

their yellow caps brighten
the morning stampede.

***This is a powerfully poetic image, and beautifully written. I especially like "Petals floating on a muddy sea."

Insects trapped
inside this tumbler,

they bump against
a wall of grown-ups

***"Tumbler is usually defined as a drinking glass, or key lock mechanism. I see insects as small, minute creatures, inside a tumbler, but cannot see how they would bump into grown-ups. Although you are speaking in terms of "the world" as the tumbler, the literal image does not coincide with the metaphorical image. My only nit.

in jerky, spasmodic
hesitant attempts

to exit, to escape.
One day, contempt

will drive this need
to flee the crowds,

their dreams destroyed
and futures drowned.

***These words are definitely descriptive of children, and the only word I question here is "drowned." I associate "drowned" with something liquid, like water.

They'll turn to drink
and knives, become

their mother's daughters
and father's sons.

***These lines are great. The closing couplet is dramatic, and has a direct impact on the reader. Great job. I love your poetry Brian.

Best,

Tamara

[brianedwards]

Spot on about that line Tamara, thank you. I have tried a fix.
Regards "drowned", perhaps "owned" would be better? Though a little abstract . . . ?

Appreciate the kudos.

B.

~

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Yes, Brian, you can certainly find another word.

The poem is great, and worth the effort.

Keep writing!

Best,

Tamara

[ray miller]

Nice and succinct, thought the end better than the beginning. Any significance in yellow caps? I'd have had no problem with your original"they bump against a wall of grown-ups", I don't much care for revised version, though.
"they bumptheir heads/against grown-up walls" would read better to me.

[twoleftfeet]

Brian,

I like the internal rhymes very much.
I'm not sure about "dreams destroyed", though - it sounds a bit of a cliche.
Howzabout "denied"/"knives" ?

Nice one
Geoff

[David]

Good stuff, Brian. I wonder if "stampede" is too humorous a word for the context?

Like Ray, I prefer your original grown-ups line - the new one seems to run into some choppy syntax.

Again, I don't mind "drowned" at all. It has a pretty well established figurative meaning.

Perhaps the final lines are a little predictable, but I can see how they serve the poem very well.

Mission accomplished on your part, I think.

Cheers

David

[oranggunung]

Brian

I found this a good read.

I couldn’t help getting drawn into a rhythm. It seems that each pair of paired lines (that is, each set of four lines) acts as a paired couplet. The rhymes are gentle and so don’t leap out at you: sea/stampede, attempts/contempt, crowds/drowned, become/sons. However, this scheme breaks down around the tumbler


Insects trapped
inside this tumbler,

they bump their heads—
a wall of grown-ups—


Is it important to break the tempo here?

There’s one line that nags at me. It’s odd, because I’m sure it shouldn’t. It’s right at the end


their mother's daughters
and father's sons.

The “and” feels unnecessary. It seems to drag out the ending and make it less snappy. Purely my reading, I’m sure.

no quibbles on content


og

[brianedwards]

Thanks for all the looks.
Tried something a little different with this and now, to be honest, I kinda hate it . . . .

Ho-hum.

B.

~

[Elphin]

Brian

Just a short note - generally liked.

From the point of view of your craft I thought the half rhymes were very effective, very subtle - good job.

I liked the play on no country for old men.

Biggest gripe would be the ending - dreams destroyed, knives and drink are too stereotypical for me. I think you the do the poem a disservice with that ending - is there a different vision of their future, bleak or otherwise?

elph

[Arian]

to be honest, I kinda hate it . . . .

Don't see why, I kinda like it. Reminds me just a little of Craig Raine (try History, the Home Movie).

Perhaps the title would be stronger without the "This is".

cheers
peter

[emuse]

Delicate couplets. I really love the opening six especially. The title too is poignant and attention getting.

The absolute only thing that stops me Brian is:

their dreams destroyed
and futures drowned

This seems quite predicable in a poem with surprising images.

e

[Marc]

Hi Brian,

it's ok but I understand why you're not fond of it simply because it's less interesting than your usual output! I'm sure many others would be very proud but you've set your own bar pretty high...

Right that's enough arse licking- go away and right something heavier with no discernible meaning!

(still, I rather liked this for what it is, simple controlled construction, some nice lines, the tumbler image is fresh, the first two stanzas nicely poetic).

Marc

[dillingworth]

like others i thought the first half considerably stronger than the second. the opening image is a good one and reminded me of ezra pound's

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

The image you've chosen implies a lost beauty, or a sense of decay. The "morning stampede" I took to refer to, e.g., commuting, the frantic rush of adult life; but in the context of your muddy sea image it also suggested a watering hole. The trapped insect image follows on logically from the petals image, though i'd suggest you improve the rhythm in the "grown up walls" stanza - perhaps "they bump their heads/on grown-up walls" (the walls both representing adult life and literally grown/extruded vertically upwards in the glass).

the next bit was weak for me - consider

jerky, spasmodic
hesitant attempts

to exit, escape.

Do three similar adjectives followed by two similar verbs add anything? Spasmodic might suggest dying insects, but jerky and hesitant don't add much more for me. As for "exit, escape", that felt like a filler line to me. I agree with others that "drink and knives" is cliched, as is (for me) the last stanza - "his father's son" being a pretty common expression, and I don't think you've given it enough of a poignant twist here to make its inclusion worthwhile.

sorry for the criticisms. i am normally very impressed by the obscurity and complexity of your writing but this one needs a bit more work to make it really effective.

[brianedwards]

Thanks for all the input, but as I stated a few posts back, I personally think this is crap, so suggestions for revising are quite redundant.
Round file is the best place for it I think, though I might choose to recycle the opening image in some way.
Ah well, some were born to die.

B.

~