Ten Words (revised)

[Marc]

If you had ten words left what would they be?
There's a fair chance you'd like 'love' or 'sorry',
perhaps "peace"; "justice"; "victory!'"?
Ten words to argue philosophically?
Maybe half an epitaph for posterity?
"Father, my soul I now commend to thee"?
(but two words spare...). If you're at all like me
it's more likely just plain banality:
"The train is late I'll be there for tea"
"I'll call you back: driving on the A 30"



Marc

[Arian]

I think I'd make my last one quasineoantidisestablishmentarianism, or the hydro-carbon chain 18-bromo-12-butyl-11-chloro-4,8-diethyl-5-hydroxy-15-methoxytricos-6,13-dien-19-yne-3,9-dione, so I could live for another week or so.

Clever piece, Marc, tight and amusing.
cheers
peter

[brianedwards]

Cool way to squeeze 5 big abstracts into a short poem!

Enjoyed the first 3 lines but then the remainder doesn't quite live up, for me. I was expecting something more personal rather than a generic sentiment which, let's face it, is no more interesting or unique than those 5 big abstracts. Would love to see you revise this Marc.

B.

~

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Marc wrote:

If you had ten words left what would they be?
There's a fair chance you'd use 'love' or 'sorry',
perhaps "peace" , maybe "justice"; "victory!'"?
"Father, my soul I now commend to thee"?
(but two words spare...). If you're at all like me:
"Times up? - is that all? Oh well, C'est la vie..."

Marc, this poem is nicely done. I like your usage of end rhymes, but you mentioned two words "spare" in line 5, and the last line does not coincide with two words that spare. I would think something like "forgive me," or "bless me," if they are to fulfill the "spare" aspect of the poem.

I see Peter's nomenclature, and it certainly brings back memories. One cannot imagine how many times I've heard my co-workers (young male Chemists) take advantage of a not-too-bright receptionist, by asking her to page Nora Pinephrine, or Sue Fentanyl.
Those were the days!

Best,

Tamara

[brianedwards]

Marc wrote:

If you had ten words left what would they be?
There's a fair chance you'd use 'love' or 'sorry',
perhaps "peace" , maybe "justice"; "victory!'"?
"Father, my soul I now commend to thee"?
(but two words spare...). If you're at all like me:
"Times up? - is that all? Oh well, C'est la vie..."

Marc, this poem is nicely done. I like your usage of end rhymes, but you mentioned two words "spare" in line 5, and the last line does not coincide with two words that spare. I would think something like "forgive me," or "bless me," if they are to fulfill the "spare" aspect of the poem.

I see Peter's nomenclature, and it certainly brings back memories. One cannot imagine how many times I've heard my co-workers (young male Chemists) take advantage of a not-too-bright receptionist, by asking her to page Nora Pinephrine, or Sue Fentanyl.
Those were the days!

Best,

Tamara

"(but two words spare)" refers to the eight words in line 4 not the last line.

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

brian wrote:

"(but two words spare)" refers to the eight words in line 4 not the last line.

***Yes, I see the "spare" line, and then the alternating 2 words, 3 words, in the last line, but I can't make the connection to "2" words spare, when there are "8" words in line 4. What are the 2 words that spare? This is extremely abstract, and a perfect example of peeling an onion in free verse.

Talk about "connecting the dots." You guys should be working at 221b Baker Street.

Best,

Tamara

[brianedwards]

brian wrote:

"(but two words spare)" refers to the eight words in line 4 not the last line.

***Yes, I see the "spare" line, and then the alternating 2 words, 3 words, in the last line, but I can't make the connection to "2" words spare, when there are "8" words in line 4. What are the 2 words that spare? This is extremely abstract, and a perfect example of peeling an onion in free verse.

Talk about "connecting the dots." You guys should be working at 221b Baker Street.

Best,

Tamara

I really don't see your confusion.

[Marc]

Hi and thanks all for input.
Tamara I fear you're over complicating it. Line four is a slight mis-quote of Christ's last words - but it's only 8 words long - not using the full 10 requested in the 1st line.Therefore there are two words spare - so it doesn't answer the question... unlike the last line which uses ten words (as does the first and fifth).

Thanks Brian, I take your point - after the promise of a deeper philosophical discussion I revert to a shallow retort - but in truth a resigned acceptance coupled with a sense of disappointment would probably be my natural inclination!
Marc

[brianedwards]

Hi and thanks all for input.
Tamara I fear you're over complicating it. Line four is a slight mis-quote of Christ's last words - but it's only 8 words long - not using the full 10 requested in the 1st line.Therefore there are two words spare - so it doesn't answer the question... unlike the last line which uses ten words (as does the first and fifth).

Thanks Brian, I take your point - after the promise of a deeper philosophical discussion I revert to a shallow retort - but in truth a resigned acceptance coupled with a sense of disappointment would probably be my natural inclination!
Marc

Like I said, well worth a revisit.

[twoleftfeet]

Marc,
Am I missing something?
"Time's up" is 3 words hence you need to trim your JC paraphrase down to 7 words, surely?

btw I like the irony of "c'est la vie", to which God replies "Mais non - c'etait la vie"

Geoff

[Marc]

Good point Geoff - I hadn't thought of that! I was thinking of 'time's up' as being two words but really it's three - or is it? Colloquially it sounds like two words...
I still don't see how that affects the JC phrase? The JC phrase is 8 words not ten - so if you only had ten words left and you wanted to use up your quota you'd have two words spare. Whereas the phrase: 'Time's up? Is that all? Oh well, c'est la vie' uses 10 words - or is it eleven?! Aaaggghh...
Marc

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Thanks Marc,

With respect the the line in the poem,

"Father, my soul I now commend to thee"?

I now see the confusion, and I was over complicating. I thought the misquote was a line from another religious text , like a Gnostic scripture that you found. For, it is only a misquote of what was written in the Gospel of Luke ("Father, Into thy hands I commend my spirit."). The other three Gospels (Matthew, Mark and John), state Jesus cried with a loud voice and gave up the ghost. No mention of that line.

Canonical scripture resulted from translations of the Latin Vulgate, and the Greek Septuagint, and these were translated from ancient Hebrew text. Much of the original text has been inserted into, deleted, and mistranslated to present the Vatican's Patriarchal point of view. When one compares the Canonical Scriptures to the Gnostic Scriptures (Nag Hammadi Library); specifically, the Gospels of Philip, Thomas, Mary Magdalene, Judas, and the Pistis Sophia, one will note there are many differences, and variations. How does one determine which is correct, and ultimately what is a misquote?

Mary Magdalene, as an example, has been portrayed as a prostitute since time immemorial. Yet, there is no biblical scripture anywhere that states she was a prostitute. This was Pope Gregory's error, combining the three Marys in the Bible into one who was a prostitute. So, if you wrote a poem about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute, some of the others on this board would get it, but I wouldn't.

Thanks for the explanation Mark. I see it now.

Best,

Tamara

[twoleftfeet]

Good point Geoff - I hadn't thought of that! I was thinking of 'time's up' as being two words but really it's three - or is it? Colloquially it sounds like two words...
I still don't see how that affects the JC phrase? The JC phrase is 8 words not ten - so if you only had ten words left and you wanted to use up your quota you'd have two words spare. Whereas the phrase: 'Time's up? Is that all? Oh well, c'est la vie' uses 10 words - or is it eleven?! Aaaggghh...
Marc

Marc,
I'm counting each contraction as 2 words ("time's" = "time is" = 2, "c'est" = "ce est" = 2) so I make that 12!

Rien ne va plus!

Geoff

[Marc]

D'oh, it just gets worse and worse........






Think Brian's right I need to rewrite the whole second half,,,
Marc

[Marc]

OK rewritten, but now schizophrenic maybe... certainly heading in a different direction.
Marc

[Suzanne]

Marc, the poem AND the thread are enjoyable. Thanks. Liked it a alot. Suzanne

[brianedwards]

I like the new direction but a bit stuck on the logic of the 2nd S. . . . thinking on it.

[Sulpicia]

Hi Marc
Going to be awkward and say that I liked the neatness and concision of the first version and its whimsical mood, though the problem with the final line not being ten words is quite a big one. How about 'Time's up? That all? Ah, c'est la vie.'
The new version has its own problems: for instance, you're using 'plea' as a verb, when it should be 'plead', and it seems like there are one too many stresses in the last line. And it doesn't seem to have the same punch. I think your original point was something about the danger of trying too hard to be meaningful, and I liked it.
cheers
Helen

[oranggunung]

Marc

Enjoying the revisions and discussion.


Maybe your epitaph for eternity?

Could “Or” replace “Maybe”? This gives a better rhythm, I think.

The metre of the last line bothers me too. Is this a deliberate breaking of the rhythm?


we'll hear your more resounding poetry.

If “your” and “more” were excised, this would fit more neatly - to my ear, anyway.


An interesting idea to play with. Was there any reason you chose 10, rather than another number?


og

[Marc]

Hi Suzanne, Helen and Og (and everyone else prior of course),
thanks for interest.
my original thought was just a random 'if you had ten words left what would they be?' no particular reason why ten.. and I went on to try and construct something from there, then popped it up here to workshop it.

In truth I'm not happy with either form - Brian is right in saying the original draft promises a deeper meaning in the first three lines than the more flippant tone adopted by the last three. So I changed it but now it verges on predictably nihilistic/ 'we'll all be eaten by worms so what's the point' etc.

Helen, I can certainly rejig the last line to have ten words...your idea is good though I'm now inclined to avoid French ( ? Italian: 'pero il mio tempo e finito, adesso devo parlare arriverderci!' but my italian's a bit crap so that's probably not right...and anyway you'd have to really torture arriverderci to make it fit the rhyme scheme!) think I'll stick to the mother tongue instead!

Helen, you're right about plea, (damn...).

You both think the last lines needs to be shorter so I've taken Og's advice but I might just rewrite the whole thing again.

Food for thought, thanks,
Marc

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Marc,

Don't kill me! I hate to admit this, but the first version was much better.

How about "Lights Out" or "Not me." for one of the two words in the last line. Although a New Yorker would use "Hell No."

Best,

Tamara