Trepanning eggs

[Mic]

Pierce the narrow end with a needle, you said.
If you do that first they won’t crack—
it relieves the pressure caused by the heat.
Oh, and remember to put salt in the water.

Come up for tea? I asked. No, you said.

Later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the universality of the principle.




Revision no. 1:-

Pierce the narrow end with a needle, you said.
If you do that first they won’t crack—
it relieves the pressure caused by the heat.
Oh, and remember to put salt in the water.

Come up for tea? I asked. No, you said.

Later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the principle.





Original:-

Pierce the narrow end with a needle, you said.
If you do that first they won’t crack—
it relieves the pressure caused by the heat.
Oh, and remember to put salt in the water.

Come up for tea? I asked. No, you said.

Later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the universality of the principle.

[Oskar]

A neatly expressed idea. The language flows well. Very compact and well balanced. There's strength in its simplicity. I like simple sentences.

it relieves the pressure caused by the heat.

I tend to think of Queenie Watts in such circumstances.

Trepanning is a great word.

[Bombadil]

Reminiscent of the Love Song of J. Alfred Fuckedwit (as renamed by Barrie).

A nice bit of morbidity.

Cheers,

K.

[brianedwards]

Like this much Michaela, though the last line is making my tongue work with all those syllables. Universality hits my palate like bad eggs . . .

Been trying to come up with an alternative suggestion for you to ponder, but I'm struggling. I appreciate that universality and principle collocate, but I wonder if you couldn't just go with principle and allow the reader a bit of space to draw that connection themselves?

Later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the principle.

The shorter line adds to the sardonic tone too I think.

Just a couple of thoughts for you to throw around.

B.

~

[Mic]

Thanks Oskar. Shortly after posting this I suddenly thought no! it's too wierd. So I liked the simply expressed content of your response!
Thanks K.
Brian - I think you are right about last line, it is a bit of a mouthful. With that 'universality' and 'principle' and 'test' I was probably aiming for a tone of 'science-y' detatchment to contrast with the emotion. I've tried it the way you suggest, though, and I think it works better. Amended accordingly.

Michaela

[Sharra]

Mic I think the shortened version is much stronger. Part of me wants to deepen the slight feeling of darkness to this, with that in mind I would suggest changing the title to just 'Trepanning'. Also, how about changing the punctuation in the last three lines so it reads...

Come up for tea? I asked. No, you said

later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the principle.

so you aren't sure whether the 'later...' is a continuation of the speech or the N speaking?
Sharra
xx

[David]

Well, I like - and miss - the universality, which means version 1 for me. I wouldn't change the title either.

Which means that you were right all along!

With that 'universality' and 'principle' and 'test' I was probably aiming for a tone of 'science-y' detatchment to contrast with the emotion.

Yep. That's what I like.

Overall there's a sense of the feeling that's conveyed by the old blues songs - "I'm laughing just to keep from crying."

Cheers

David

[brianedwards]

Yes, the scientific detachment is great, but this is poetry and rhythm is more important in my opinion.

[Arian]

Good stuff. But definitely the revised version for me. "Universality" isn't just an ugly mouthful, but wrong in this context (you can't test universality with a single specifc test, or even any finite number of specific tests. The Popperian paradigm.)

But I thought the piece pithily and wittily captures a sense of frustration, and I like it.

best wishes
peter

[Mic]

Mic I think the shortened version is much stronger. Part of me wants to deepen the slight feeling of darkness to this, with that in mind I would suggest changing the title to just 'Trepanning'. Also, how about changing the punctuation in the last three lines so it reads...

Come up for tea? I asked. No, you said

later I will bore a hole in my skull
to test the principle.

so you aren't sure whether the 'later...' is a continuation of the speech or the N speaking?
Sharra
xx

Thanks Sharra. Fascinating idea on those last 3 lines. I enjoyed the ambiguity. I don't think I'll implement it though, just because I feel it will drive things too far from the sentiment I'd wanted to evoke.

Well, I like - and miss - the universality, which means version 1 for me. I wouldn't change the title either.

Which means that you were right all along!

With that 'universality' and 'principle' and 'test' I was probably aiming for a tone of 'science-y' detatchment to contrast with the emotion.

Yep. That's what I like.

Overall there's a sense of the feeling that's conveyed by the old blues songs - "I'm laughing just to keep from crying."

Cheers

David

Thanks David. I feel something missing too. But now Peter has put a spanner in the works with his science! But that last line feels too short now. I'm thinking of recasting it as follows: "to test the breadth of the principle" - the sounds in 'breadth' bring 'test' and 'principle' together quite nicely and it is closer to the original.

Good stuff. But definitely the revised version for me. "Universality" isn't just an ugly mouthful, but wrong in this context (you can't test universality with a single specifc test, or even any finite number of specific tests. The Popperian paradigm.)

But I thought the piece pithily and wittily captures a sense of frustration, and I like it.

best wishes
peter

Thank you Peter. Couldn't I in theory still keep 'universality', you know, under the banner of 'poetic science' (!) or, couldn't the N. just be a bit rubbish at science?

Mic

[Arian]

Couldn't I in theory still keep 'universality', you know, under the banner of 'poetic science' (!) or, couldn't the N. just be a bit rubbish at science?
Mic

Well, I guess you could , but to my ear (forget scientific correctness for the moment), it's unnecessary - it sounds good as it is. There's a sort of matter-of-factness about it which to me reflects N's slightly despairing mood. The current revison (breadth) doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

Cheers
peter

[Elphin]

Mic

I have read this over a few times and also the comments.

I do like it a lot. I have two observations:

First, the repeated use of the word said. I think if you use a word with more implied meaning it might tell the reader more about the relationship between the two parties. For example, the first one could be you taught.

On the last line, I think poetic license allows the science to bent IMO. I would go with universality personally but maybe split the line lengths to allow pause for breath. I think breadth is too prosaic. But.... you cant write a poem by committee so go with what you prefer.

Good stuff

elph

[Mic]

Thanks elph, for the thumbs-up and your reminder that poetry writing by committee is doomed to fail. Breadth doesn't work - you and Peter are right. In my heart I'm with you and David on 'universality' but Bri and Peter both provide compelling arguments for nixing it. I'll let this rest for a little bit I think.

Michaela

[stuartryder]

Mic, after reading this several times I have found myself wishing for something more concrete than "principle" and the other abstracts you've tried out.

Something like "test the strength of my shell" though I admit that would be a poor effort.

Everything else is fine although I don't like the word "trepanning", sounds like a Cornish coastal village.

Cheers

Stuart