Through the mirror, she’d watch the world go by.
Trapped in her castle, she would sit and cry
for the love of her life to hear her sigh,
and come carry her off in his arms.
Each morning she’d wake, and sing her sweet tune,
weaving her colourful web on the loom.
Her knight in armour would be here soon,
and will carry her off in his arms.
Her sweet voice is carried upon the breeze,
through long golden fields of barley. The trees
would whisper her pitiful sombre plea’s.
He’d come carry her off in his arms.
Tired of waiting, she would seize her chance.
A dash to the door, with no backward glance.
The curse that hangs over her, circumstance,
She must feel the touch of his arms.
The mirror, it cracked as she left the room.
She knew that it meant an impending doom,
but still she must flee, she would see him soon,
and feel the warmth of his arms.
A freezing cold night. The air’s full of snow.
Down to the river, is where she must go.
A boat will take her downstream, then she knows,
soon she will be in his arms.
She lay herself down, so not to be seen,
and floated towards the man of her dreams.
But the icy winds and the snow proved extreme,
She wont feel the touch of his arms.
Just how long she had lay there, nobody knows.
She was covered in snow, and her body froze.
Her knight in armour, a kiss he bestows
as he holds her in his arms.
cursed
Pauline,
That's a useful form you have explored, and the varying line lengths in each verse lend themselves to making it melodic. It's one of those ways of writing that can bring on the madness depending on how self critical one wants to be in respect of adhering to a verse pattern down to the very last syllable. Your syllables do vary a little in this piece when comparing say, line three of each verse as an example but it's not so much the exact count of syllables that one would adhere to when writing metrical form, it's the feet per line.
It looks like you have gone for iambic pentameter for the first line of each verse, it's not an easy meter to execute with real consistency.
Personally I rather like iambic tetrameter, four feet per line which is nicely deployed in line four of verse four in your poem.
The basic pattern for iambic pentameter is like this:
da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
To smell the earth, and plant some tiny seeds
It's useful to write maybe, a whole page of it containing whatever springs to mind when familiarising one's self with meter.
I think you have done a pretty good job in working around the metrical constraints you have imposed and the rhymes don't seem particularly forced.
Yes there are anomalies in syllable counts and the meter varies in a number of places in the poem, but it looks like you had fun with it and personally the day I'm not having fun with poetry will be when I stop writing it. Your subject lends itself to the form very well, I think you'll find writing other subjects using form will add another dimension to the degree of difficulty, especially when trying to get the phrasing to sound very current.
I think you ought to be pleased with the results of trying this form, it can be improved but it's certainly not a disaster.
all the best
Danté
That's a useful form you have explored, and the varying line lengths in each verse lend themselves to making it melodic. It's one of those ways of writing that can bring on the madness depending on how self critical one wants to be in respect of adhering to a verse pattern down to the very last syllable. Your syllables do vary a little in this piece when comparing say, line three of each verse as an example but it's not so much the exact count of syllables that one would adhere to when writing metrical form, it's the feet per line.
It looks like you have gone for iambic pentameter for the first line of each verse, it's not an easy meter to execute with real consistency.
Personally I rather like iambic tetrameter, four feet per line which is nicely deployed in line four of verse four in your poem.
The basic pattern for iambic pentameter is like this:
da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
To smell the earth, and plant some tiny seeds
It's useful to write maybe, a whole page of it containing whatever springs to mind when familiarising one's self with meter.
I think you have done a pretty good job in working around the metrical constraints you have imposed and the rhymes don't seem particularly forced.
Yes there are anomalies in syllable counts and the meter varies in a number of places in the poem, but it looks like you had fun with it and personally the day I'm not having fun with poetry will be when I stop writing it. Your subject lends itself to the form very well, I think you'll find writing other subjects using form will add another dimension to the degree of difficulty, especially when trying to get the phrasing to sound very current.
I think you ought to be pleased with the results of trying this form, it can be improved but it's certainly not a disaster.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Hi Pauline,
I am not trying to rewrite your poem as it quite nice as it is, however I was wondering why you did not choose to go for iambic pentameter throughout.
Your choice of refrain however makes it slightly awkward finishing on an unstressed syllable. If all four lines rhymed the same it would be a monorymed quatrain, at the moment it is a tercet quatrain with a separate refrain as in a most villanelles. I realise you have gone for syllabic verse rather than metric, however to me in this case the syntactic stress does not work as well as metric.
If you were to just slightly adjust your first stanza for example, you could have a reasonably good iambic quatrain, at the moment your first line starts with an anapest, which is quite hard to maintain poetically.
This is an example of what I was thinking.
Through mirror’s, she‘d watch a world go by.
Trapped in her castle, she would sit and cry
for true love of her life to hear her sigh,
and come to carry her off in his arms.
I know that I being a beginner poet, that I am not supposed give advice in the midst of so many experts, so totally disregard any thing I say if the mood takes you.
Best regards, I hope everything works out for you.
Turtlewax
I am not trying to rewrite your poem as it quite nice as it is, however I was wondering why you did not choose to go for iambic pentameter throughout.
Your choice of refrain however makes it slightly awkward finishing on an unstressed syllable. If all four lines rhymed the same it would be a monorymed quatrain, at the moment it is a tercet quatrain with a separate refrain as in a most villanelles. I realise you have gone for syllabic verse rather than metric, however to me in this case the syntactic stress does not work as well as metric.
If you were to just slightly adjust your first stanza for example, you could have a reasonably good iambic quatrain, at the moment your first line starts with an anapest, which is quite hard to maintain poetically.
This is an example of what I was thinking.
Through mirror’s, she‘d watch a world go by.
Trapped in her castle, she would sit and cry
for true love of her life to hear her sigh,
and come to carry her off in his arms.
I know that I being a beginner poet, that I am not supposed give advice in the midst of so many experts, so totally disregard any thing I say if the mood takes you.
Best regards, I hope everything works out for you.
Turtlewax
Hi Pauline,
I liked this, especially the way you vary the refrain. Some of the lines feel a bit yanked out of shape at times, where you are struggling to achieve the end ryhmes you are after, but that is easily worked on. Yeah, I rather like this.
Michaela
I liked this, especially the way you vary the refrain. Some of the lines feel a bit yanked out of shape at times, where you are struggling to achieve the end ryhmes you are after, but that is easily worked on. Yeah, I rather like this.
Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
Great one, Pauline. Liked the rhythm and rhyme. Especially the lines:
Her sweet voice is carried upon the breeze,
through long golden fields of barley.
- Taken in by 'her' beauty!
Wonderful stuff, you portrayed your emotions in such a strong fashion, infused with riveting images.
Loved the tale.
Her sweet voice is carried upon the breeze,
through long golden fields of barley.
- Taken in by 'her' beauty!
Wonderful stuff, you portrayed your emotions in such a strong fashion, infused with riveting images.
Loved the tale.
Thanks for your feedback guys.
This is my first attempt at iambic pentameter, and yes, I know that I didn't quite pull it off, but I feel very encouraged by the constructive crits posted.
Dante and Turtle, thank you for your very helpful comments, and I will take on board all advice offered.
Thanks Mic, Annie, and Arun.
Glad you liked it.
Gavin,
Tennyson will be turning in his grave, lol.
This is my first attempt at iambic pentameter, and yes, I know that I didn't quite pull it off, but I feel very encouraged by the constructive crits posted.
Dante and Turtle, thank you for your very helpful comments, and I will take on board all advice offered.
Thanks Mic, Annie, and Arun.
Glad you liked it.
Gavin,
Tennyson will be turning in his grave, lol.
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi, Pauline.
I really like this and think it would make a good folk song, with the final line of each verse repeating like a chorus.
In this respect, though, each of those lines would need to have an identical meter in order to work.
btw I'm assuming that the ending is tragic i.e she's not going to do an impression of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White by
waking up..
Geoff
I really like this and think it would make a good folk song, with the final line of each verse repeating like a chorus.
In this respect, though, each of those lines would need to have an identical meter in order to work.
btw I'm assuming that the ending is tragic i.e she's not going to do an impression of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White by
waking up..
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?